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A happy NB! Does it last?

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I.will.survive posted 4/18/2013 05:45 AM

I've met someone with so many good qualities who wants his partner to be his best friend.

Yay!!!

Wow, what a concept! It's exactly what I wanted, but never got while married. I even asked XH if I was his best friend early on in the marriage and he said no. Should have known not to stick it out another 10 years.

So how many of you have gone down this road, only to find out it ends up broken? I know you can't start a relationship worried about the ending of it. But as I get to know this wonderful man, there are plenty of things he is doing right that just remind me of my ex jerk who said and did all the right things at first.

The great thing is, this man walks the God walk, not just talks the talk. I hope that is what will set him permanently apart from the ex's beginning with me.

He's kind, loyal, thoughtful, funny, a drummer, a photographer, a scientist, a big flirt, a great date planner, a good cook, a great writer/communicator, athletic and appears to be a great father to 2 young girls very close in age with my son. In fact, his oldest and mine have the same birthday.

So anyway, there's my gush about a new man in my life....the first one in 15 years. I'm just holding back, wondering if it's possible to have found him so easily?

What makes me think I have to kiss a few frogs to find the prince?

I'm pretty sure I married the frog so maybe this is my reward?

Amazonia posted 4/18/2013 05:50 AM

He sounds great

The reality is that it could last, or it could end with him. I'm one of those who met a really great guy and still had my heart wrenched out when things didn't work out between us. It was never a matter of him failing to be the great guy I saw him as, it was just circumstances. So yes, it can happen that we experience another heartache.

But there are many success stories out there.

Ultimately, I can guarantee you one thing: whether or not the guy lasts, it's up to YOU whether your happiness in NB lasts, because that comes from within, not from a guy or any other external circumstances (although they do provide the occasional short term boost )

Enjoy yourself, but also retain yourself.

Newlease posted 4/18/2013 08:23 AM

Amazonia said it very well.

Life is risky. None of us ever thought we would be here. So after you've healed and realize that happiness comes from within, you can take another chance - or sit on the sidelines.

I choose to take a risk, even though my first post-D relationship crashed and burned and I experience more hurt. If I can move through all the pain and find the other side, I'm going to enjoy it all knowing that I can take care of myself and my own happiness.

NL

I.will.survive posted 4/18/2013 09:42 AM

Eek! 2 back to back replies with broken road endings.

I'm sorry it didn't work out for either of you. Did he change from what he showed you originally?

jennie160 posted 4/18/2013 09:52 AM

So how many of you have gone down this road, only to find out it ends up broken?

For me, it wasn't whether it would end up broken it was more about me being OK if it ended up broken. I went into the relationship with the mentality that if things didn't work out that it was at least another learning experience and that I would be OK, I would survive. Which gave me the confidence to really analyze things and not overlook any red flags, instead of just excusing them away because I was afraid to be alone, afraid to admit I had made a mistake.

The first year we took things very slow because I had this "waiting for the other shoe to drop" feeling, due to my past. I didn't jump right in like I had in past relationships and really got to know him and build my trust in him instead of just offering it blindly. Don't get me wrong, there has to be some level of trust, but he had to earn some it on his own. The more time we sent together the more I saw that his actions were matching his words I started to really trust him and open up to him.

He's kind, loyal, thoughtful, funny, a drummer, a photographer, a scientist, a big flirt, a great date planner, a good cook, a great writer/communicator, athletic and appears to be a great father to 2 young girls

As long as your not letting these things cloud your judgement (ie. the fact that he is perfect on paper), that your willing to look out for red flags and walk away from this "perfect" guy if he doesn't meet your expectations. It will still hurt if things don't work out but If you accept that it's a possibility I think you will be fine.

Amazonia posted 4/18/2013 09:57 AM

Did he change from what he showed you originally?

Nope, things just didn't work out because of life circumstances. He is still an incredible man and I know that he will make a wonderful partner for a very fortunate woman in the future. I still miss him but am moving on (almost a year after the breakup), and have the utmost respect for him, always will. It was my choice not to stay friends though, which he has been very respectful of, because I can't be just friends with someone I've fallen in love with.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 9:57 AM, April 18th (Thursday)]

I.will.survive posted 4/18/2013 10:46 AM

Amazonia, that must be really hard for you. Do you still feel you are in love with him a little?

As long as your not letting these things cloud your judgement (ie. the fact that he is perfect on paper), that your willing to look out for red flags and walk away from this "perfect" guy if he doesn't meet your expectations. It will still hurt if things don't work out but If you accept that it's a possibility I think you will be fine.

Exactly! Guess that is why I'm questioning my happiness right now. My eyes are wide open and I find that my heart is following. Scary stuff.

SoHappyNow posted 4/18/2013 11:08 AM

Exactly! Guess that is why I'm questioning my happiness right now. My eyes are wide open and I find that my heart is following. Scary stuff.


I.will.survive, I know exactly how you feel. You can be afraid to trust the combination of your own gut and your heart.

But, if you know....really KNOW that you will be OK no matter what happens to you in the future (the same way that I knew that I would truly be OK after my beloved husband died and was able to convince him he could stop worrying about me and let go)......when you know this with every fibre of your being, then you can be open to and embrace all of the lovely possibilities that life offers.

Keep your eyes and your ears open. Never ignore your oh-so-valuable gut. And enjoy!!!!!

Newlease posted 4/18/2013 13:47 PM

My relationship did not work out because I jumped in too soon and wasn't properly healed from my D.

He said and did all the right things to feed my ego, and I tried to re-create the good part of my marriage relationship. He ended up being a cheater who was seeing someone else the whole 1 1/2 years we were together.

If I had been healed, I believe that I would not have put up with what were, in hindsight, BIG RED FLAGS.

He was a charmer and knew how to pull me in whenever I was ready to part. But, it was more about my healing than him. I should never have put myself in a position to start a relationship so soon after my D (9 months).

It's been 8 years since my D and I've learned a lot about myself and what I'm willing to accept. I am stronger and wiser. I have a wonderful relationship with someone now, but I also know that if it doesn't work out, I will be fine on my own again.

NL

reclaimingmyself posted 4/18/2013 14:33 PM

New guy just dropped into my lap so to speak - I wasn't looking, I was having fun living life on my terms for a change and recovering from life after FT. I resisted his company for quite some time - after such a deep betrayal, it's hard to just throw your heart into the ring again. Plus like you, I couldn't believe it would be so easy to find someone new. I finally decided to take another go when I realized that even if he wasn't Mr Right, I would be fine.

We've been together two and a half years now, we're engaged and he is still the guy I thought he was when I met him except he is even more patient and kind than I first thought.

Is he perfect? Of course not but he is trustworthy, thoughtful, compassionate, respectful and thinks I hung the moon. Even more importantly, he doesn't notice my imperfections (or if he does, he keeps it to himself).

So yes, I do think a romantic NB can last but just make sure you are seeing it for real and not what you want it to be.

Amazonia posted 4/18/2013 14:57 PM

Amazonia, that must be really hard for you. Do you still feel you are in love with him a little?

On some level, yes.

Don't misunderstand me though - even in the midst of the breakup, my happiness was undisturbed. I meant what I said in my first response to you about happiness coming from within. My new beginning has been moving along swimmingly, despite a few bumps and bruises along the way. Did it suck to lose a great person? Yep. Did it destroy my sense of joy? No way!

turned123 posted 4/18/2013 15:56 PM

Mine lasted one wonderful year! Then one day she simply said it just fizzled out for her! Oh well! Moving on now :)

hexed posted 4/18/2013 16:11 PM

For me, it wasn't whether it would end up broken it was more about me being OK if it ended up broken.

This is very important!

Like Ama said my overall happiness is not dependent on the man in my life or any man in my life. I dated a lot. Most were just a few dates. A couple were longer 3 -6 months. I broke up, got broken up with, *poofed*, ect. What was heartening for me was that for the most part, it was all legit. The guys weren't jerks it just didn't work. I'm still friendly with all but one.

I've been with my SO coming up on 3 years in July. We've had ups and downs but far more ups than downs. When things haven't been good, I've respected how he's dealt with it. If it ever does end, I will be sad but I doubt that I wouldn't respect him. I know that my happiness does not depend on it.

I.will.survive posted 4/19/2013 05:17 AM

My happiness in life definitely doesn't depend on getting into a relationship.

I realized recently that I was completely ok with my routine,happy being with me or with my son and that adding a body would be just that...adding someone, not changing my life around.

So this is good! If things didn't work out, I would be sad because it would be HIM that I miss. Not the dates, the texts, the phone calls. I didn't need a time filler, I needed to rebuild an intimate relationship with a man who wants a best friend and partner.

Yay!

Talked to my mother, told her about most things and the words out of her mouth "don't rush into anything. I don't want you to get your heart broken." I don't know what the time limit is for "rushing?" Isn't there a point in dating some one where you say, "I'm all in, let's focus on each other?" Not sure if there is a unspoken time frame on that. ??

TrustGone posted 4/19/2013 09:20 AM

I thought after my D from XWH#1 that I had found Mr. Right. He was the exact opposite of my ex. He was thoughtful, kind, funny, very affectionate, hard working, overall everything I thought I wanted. I met him 3 months after filing for divorce and we were married two years later. I unfortunately did not have my red flag glasses on and he got the itch to cheat. We had a good marriage, nothing like my first marriage, so it was like being hit by a bus when his GF/OW called and told me thet had been together for 3yrs. I am still in shock from it all.

I am not saying that this will happen to you, just be aware that none of them come with guarentees of staying faithful. It is always a risk with anyone you meet that they will break your heart. Sorry, didn't mean to put a downer on things. Just take your time with him and take off the rose colored glasses when you need to. (((HUGS))))

ninebark posted 4/19/2013 10:35 AM

I realized recently that I was completely ok with my routine,happy being with me or with my son and that adding a body would be just that...adding someone, not changing my life around

Yes you could have taken the words out of my mouth! I have been with my BF now for almost 2 years. He is a good man and my DS loves him to death. We are rushing into nothing, we currently do not live together as he went back to school and I am not willing to support him nor does he want me to.

We both agree that things will move at their own speed. If we never move in together I would be fine. I am happy with myself, and with my life and this time I am doing things my own way. I love him but he is just one part of my life, and I know I will be okay if things don't work out.

I.will.survive posted 4/19/2013 14:31 PM

TrustGone, See..now that's what I'm talking about. You didn't expect that from #2 because he was so different in all the right ways!

What signs did you dismiss? 3 years was a long time not to know something was amiss.

I'm sorry you went through that.

I don't have rose colored glasses on just lots of uncertainty that I can allow myself happiness after so many years of sadness, tears, verbal abuse, loneliness, etc.

[This message edited by I.will.survive at 2:34 PM, April 19th (Friday)]

I.will.survive posted 4/19/2013 14:35 PM

Ninebark, so happy for you!

Amazonia posted 4/19/2013 15:17 PM

TrustGone, See..now that's what I'm talking about. You didn't expect that from #2 because he was so different in all the right ways!

What signs did you dismiss? 3 years was a long time not to know something was amiss.

There are no guarantees, and sometimes no glaring red flags. Have you ever read Baggage Reclaim? It's a great site that you should check out if not. One of the things the author is fond of saying is that people unfold. It takes time to get to know someone, and even when you know them well, they can still continue to unfold and can still surprise you. That's just the reality of life.

Choosing to trust someone new means accepting the risk that you could get hurt. Love wouldn't be what it is if there were no such things as heartbreak. And the only surefire way to avoid having your heart broken, 100% guarantee, is to not date at all, including not letting yourself get attached to someone without labels, etc.

If the risk isn't worth it for you yet (or ever) that's fine - there's NO harm in not dating.

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