I agree with lordhasaplan, that may be the case, but I'm going throw another perspective out there, it may not apply but, it might?
My H was not remorseful in the way I wanted him to be for a long time. It was very frustrating and it made me feel like he didn't understand the severity of his actions.
Early on I was lashing out in pain at my H, I was hurt and afraid and I wanted him to fix me and he wasn't so I was even more mad.
One day, I remember triggering badly, I left the room and laid on the bed crying, he came in, very confused, asking what was wrong and of course I freaked out, "what's wrong, you had an affair, you've destroyed me, how could you do that" he said sorry and said he'd leave but thats not what I wanted, that made me feel like he was abandoning me in my moment of need. So I screamed at him how he was doing everything wrong and he told me he didn't know what to do he felt horrible, he felt like a disgusting human being and he didn't know if he should hold me, or give me space or be quiet or talk, even when I asked for something in particular, like asking a question he was afraid to answer b/c he could see my pain and didn't want to add anymore, he just didn't know what to do ever.
From that day on I decided to figure out what I needed from my H, exactly and ask for it exactly. When I triggered, I wasn't mad, I was sad, it came out as anger but I was sad and I wanted comfort not a fight. So I started being honest with myself and him, I'd say "I heard a song and it reminded me of your A and I'm feeling sad, can you hold me and tell me you love me?" and he'd do it immediately, at first i thought if I have to tell him what to do it won't mean as much, but it did! it sure felt better than him walking out or becoming defensive.
So maybe this isn't your wife, maybe she doesn't care and doesn't want to help you heal, that does happen. some WS want to just sweep as much as they can under the rug so they can get back to having A's but some just don't know what we need and they get frustrated and lash out too.
R is freakin hard. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I do believe it can be done and I do believe it is worth it. I hope that she is willing to do the work with you.