Hey everyone,
Wanted to give an update since it's been a couple weeks since I last posted.
Since then we have had 2 MC sessions that have focused almost entirely on the A. WW has answered the questions I've had even though I know it was very difficult for her.
I can honestly say that I think the fog has finally lifted and the full weight of what she's done has hit her like a ton of bricks.
Our MC told her to talk more and for me to listen more. Over the past 6 weeks she has gradually been opening up more and more to me emotionally. She's begun talking about our old life...that's how we refer to everything before Easter now...how unhappy she was, even how she had contemplated suicide briefly because she was so unhappy in our marriage.
I've come to learn just how bad her avoidance problem is and how that, coupled with my own passive aggressiveness, created very fertile ground for her to succumb to temptation.
She has agreed to IC, but hasn't yet set anything up. I'm going to stress how important this is in our next MC if she hasn't done anything by then.
She told me that she wants me to personally attend the IC. I don't know how I feel about that, but I'll do it if she wants me to. Another question for the MC I think.
I've read that the R process is like taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back. I kinda feel that way, but I'll also say that I have been very very fortunate. I truly believe that she is telling me the truth now because her actions are validating that she is telling me the truth. She's much more forthcoming about how she feels and her own emotions. We continue to pray together every night and she's even taken to reading the Bible again herself (that is very important to both of us).
We continue to have small breakthroughs that are signs of hope. For example, I have made the decision to tell her the truth about how I'm feeling at all times. This past Tuesday I was mad at her and I came home angry. She asked me what was wrong and I told her that my day had sucked. She asked if it was because of her and I said yes. I then told her how I had been going through my txt messages from her over the past year because I was trying to figure out the date of a certain non-related family event. Well...I came across all the old lies she had sent me about where she was and who she was went. It caused a massive trigger.
After telling her this, she left the room and I found her in our bathroom crying to herself and starting to emotionally withdraw.
Now...as I've said...we have been basically spending almost all of our free time together as we try to reconnect. We were supposed to be getting dressed to go work out with our physical trainer. She said that she didn't want to go and then went to the living room. I sat in the bathroom for awhile kicking myself because I felt like we had just backtracked, but then made the decision to go see how she was doing.
I found her in her rocking chair crying. We talked and during that conversation I told her how it had really bugged me how she had yet to apologize to me for what she did. She said that the reason was because she just couldn't see how simply saying "I'm sorry" could possibly make up for what she did. She felt terrible about it and regretted it so much. She then said that she was sorry...she was incredibly sorry. Some other conversation took place and then she asked "What now?" I didn't understand what she meant so I asked for clarification and she said "Do you still love me?" A resounding yes. I asked her the same - Yes.
It was at that point that she came over to the couch, sat down next to me, collapsed into my arms and we just held each other for almost 5 minutes. She said that she remembered in the past...before the A...she used to sit in that rocking chair and felt trapped and helpless in a loveless marriage. It was then she said that she used to look into the future and wondered whether it was really worth it.
This is something that she has never shared with me. To be hoenst...I know that I was emotionally checked out for awhile...well before the A took place. We had gradually disconnected emotionally for so long that we just reached a point where we didn't even talk to each other about our emotions.
I thanked her for telling me that and she said that she wanted to go work out because otherwise she was just going to sit in that chair and sulk. After our workout she was her old self again and she even said on the way home that in our old marriage a conversation like that would have resulted in her sitting in that chair the entire evening and sulking. I told her that I thought it was great that she fought her own avoidance issues and won...and that I will continue to help her with that fight.
This morning we talked before going to work and she mentioned that she realizes now that she has to talk to me about how she feels and how she used to not think it was proper or her role to put that on me.
Now I'm not going to say that we have fully reached R. We still haven't been physically intimate. I think we might have some time to go before that starts again, but I'm patient and willing to wait because she's worth it to me.
All that said...given that it's only been 6 weeks since I found out...well it truly is a work of God that we are as far along as we are.
I know this may sound weird to a lot of you given it's been less than 2 months since I found out, but I really do feel like I am beginning to trust her again and I'm so grateful for that. The way I see it: she's a good person that made a big mistake and I'm a good person that made a big mistake. Together...we are crawling out of our own brokeness and reassmebling our life. I really and truly feel like our marriage is going to be stronger. We've both already said multiple times that we feel more emotionally close than we have in years. It's just such a good feeling to know that when she said "I love you"...that she really means it.