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Strawda posted 4/18/2013 10:24 AM

without looking at the actions of others and the outcome cosses a lot problems. Other day I got into BS car to get my cell, Doing so without asking was crossing into her space hear safe area without asking. An yesterday I confronted her about seeing someone that wasn't to be at my moms house. But she didn't see the person as my mom sed she did. So again I asoomd and didn't ask if she saw the guy who shouldn't bin at my moms. An made her think I was talking to someone els cuss how I worded it. An freaked her out. BS calld me ask who I was talking to and almost left me. So Make sure your actions are good ones and you think first... Why do we act like 5year olds just doing not thinking. An what have some done to help this problem. cuss this would be one biggest problem any A has started with.

BaxtersBFF posted 4/18/2013 13:25 PM

So, your mom said your BS met up with someone at her house? but your BS denies that she met anyone at your moms?

Does your BS know if she wants to R yet?

Jeyana posted 4/18/2013 13:46 PM

I got a text from strawda " so he was at the house? You didn't say anything" refering to his moms currently cheating wwbf. I didn't actually know anything about it, so the text made no sense to me..I triggered hard! Thinking I was again receiving texts meant for someone else. Ya, I was ready to pull the plug at R. In the end, it was his assumption, and the fact his mother said I saw them that lead to a huge misunderstanding. He easily could have said "did you see so and so on the porch when you drove by?" Instead I assumed he was talking to another secret person.....ahhhh..the loss of trust.

BaxtersBFF posted 4/19/2013 19:04 PM

slight t/j - Hi Jeyana - end t/j

This is a misunderstanding. First, jenaya, you are getting what you perceive to be nonsensical texts from Strawda. Second, Strawda, you are jumping to conclusions about things for which you don't have the whole story.

Strawda, can you see how this triggered Jenaya?

Jenaya, can you understand how Strawda is going to be nervous and unsure about everything now because of his own actions which have hurt you?

There is a part of the WS that is going to be looking to find some reason to put some sort of blame on the BS, even though they know it isn't right. I think it's pretty normal really. And it is a phase that a lot of WS go through on a path to better understanding of themselves.

In R, there is an obvious trust issue that the BS has with the WS. However, there is a trust issue that the WS has with the BS. The deal is though, that the WS creates this distrust of the BS as a defense mechanism. If they can keep that distrust in place, that gives the a "reason" to not do the things that the BS needs them to do. It's messed up. But it is something that the WS can change with awareness and work.

Not sure if that makes's just something to go through.

authenticnow posted 4/20/2013 05:42 AM


Thinking before you act is always a good idea. And after d-day, one thing I learned was to always think about how what I was doing or saying would affect my BS.

Jeyana posted 4/20/2013 09:17 AM

Baxter, I am curious about in what way a WS feels distrust for a BS. It is easy for me to assume that trusting your BS would be easier, knowing that you have done something terrible and yet BS is still there with you and trying. Is it distrust? Or fears? From my point, by staying around and dealing with this mess, I am offering my heart on a plate, showing my wounds, being vulnerable, I am risking something very important on faith that their is a chance for authentic love. I fight through distrust and fear daily. I am afraid he will give up daily. What does the WS fear?

Unagie posted 4/20/2013 10:53 AM

We fear everything..

We fear coming home and BS no longer being there.

We fear a RA.

We fear that we will never be able to share a content life with our BS again.

We fear we will never be viewed as more then the action of cheating.

We fear that our BS will close themselves off to us and never let us close again.

We fear that we have irrevocably and forever changed the person we loved into someone else and that they will never forgive us for that.

We fear that our lives will never be happy again.

We fear our BS now hiding their lives from us and detaching because we no longer deserve our place with them.

We fear living as roommates that barely tolerate each other.

We fear saying or doing the wrong thing and triggering our BS.

We fear doing or saying the right thing and triggering our BS.

We fear laughing because our BS may be having a bad day and how dare we laugh when they are close to tears.

We fear leaving to work, school, the gym, the grocery store and coming home to an angry BS because we are a few minutes late or got caught in traffic.

We fear everything...

HeartInADustpan posted 4/20/2013 11:00 AM

I love your posts, Unagie. So much perspective. I can only hope my WH reads this.

cinnamongurl posted 4/20/2013 11:00 AM

^^everything Unagie just said. We live our lives in fear of doing that one thing that may be it, that may change the BS mind, and we'll lose them forever!

Unagie posted 4/20/2013 11:23 AM

Thanks heart

KBeguile posted 4/20/2013 12:58 PM

I agree with you, Unagie. I fear everything as a result of my actions. I double- and triple-think things through before I say them or do them now. I can feel the record get purposefully reset during the thought process and hear the same thing several times in my head before I actually allow it to come out of my mouth.

And, yet, it is still sometimes slightly inappropriate. And, I apologize and make certain that I am more careful in the future as well as correcting what I have said now.

Strawda, it's my suggestion that you learn to perform this trick for yourself: listen to what you want to say or think through what it is you feel like doing. Over. And over. And over. If you get to the third or fourth time of thinking it all the way through and you really still feel like saying/doing will be okay, then you're probably clear. If not, then it's better that the words or actions be kept private and perhaps even confessed later. "Hey, Jeyana, I was talking with mom today, and she said XXXXXX ... is that true? I just wanted to hear it from you, because I trust you more than word-of-mouth."

Strawda posted 4/20/2013 19:29 PM

I wasn putting blame onto her I know this mess is my undoing and she has to live everyday with the reminders of who I was and what I did. What I did was jump to conclushins my mother was telling the trueth. but that's the mother complex I have. Mom dos no wronge. But that's a way big convo and storey Ide rather not go into. I shouldn't jumpd to congclutions thou and askd if she saw my moms cheating bf at her house. Is a trigger to see every wayword and cheat in life now ive bin one I see people difrently and the world is ugly and full of broken people. an I am one of them. werst type. an I just need to prove my self and my werth to her. cuss theres nothing like true love not fake. that cant get with anyone sept that one special person. an I need to prove shes that one person. cuss I put her in with others an many.

SandAway posted 4/21/2013 07:30 AM

Other day I got into BS car to get my cell, Doing so without asking was crossing into her space hear safe area without asking.

She got mad because you went into her car without asking???? Why? Why is her car her 'safe' area?

I Ask because transparency works both ways. If my BS told me not to go into his car without asking, I would wonder what he was afraid I might find.

[This message edited by SandAway at 7:51 AM, April 21st (Sunday)]

heforgotme posted 4/21/2013 09:37 AM

She got mad because you went into her car without asking???? Why? Why is her car her 'safe' area?

I must confess that I don't get this part either....

Jeyana posted 4/21/2013 09:39 AM

Why is it my safe area? MY house which I saved and starved to buy, the house that I invited my Wecfiance into to share with me, was used, taken for granted, abused, by bringing OW2 into it for sex. I did not know, I did not grant permission, it was taken. My car, which I fix with my own two hands, my space, is the only space I have left that is not fouled by his lack of respect, or fouled by the presence of secret lovers. The cell phone he left in my car was the deactivated cell phone he used to help deceive and hurt me, I had seen it in my glove box the day prior, and the next day it came to light he was selling it, I asked how can you sell it, it's in my car! And to realize that unknown to me he had been in there to take what he felt justified to do, without telling me, or asking me. That moment when I know in my head that his cell phone is sitting in my car, to only find that in fact things happen I know nothing about. Triggers!!! My car does not lock, never has, I have nothing to hide. It is about being reminded that my space can be stolen an used for what ever justification he can come up with. Realizing that just because something is rightfully mine does not mean he will respect that. Reminded how much I was put in the dark with his affairs, and was then in the dark with this cell phone thing. Do you understand where I am coming from?

Strawda posted 4/21/2013 11:17 AM

My BS awnserd gor you why getting the cell was a trigger. No she has nothing to hide. Shes never hid or betrayd me. Was i who lied and hid.

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