I wish I could just accept that I really have no control over him and his choices and just let it go and whatever happens happens. My life revolves around "watching" him and wondering if I'm missing something, wondering if he is just better at hiding it or lying. It's exhausting.
It's taking away from my 2 year old and I'm 35 weeks pregnant and it's going to take away from him too. It takes away from my social life because I don't want to go anywhere because I need to be here to guard my house and my bed so he doesn't ruin our new bed like he did our old one with ow. It controls EVERYTHING.
Every thought I have goes back to that. Time is divided into before the A during the A and after the A.
It's just completely wearing me out. I wish I could just let it go and accept that he is going to do what he is going to do and if he wants to cheat I really can't stop him. What kind of marriage do we have if I feel like I need to be on top of him constantly to keep him from cheating? I want him to want to stay faithful to me. I want to be enough for him. Isn't that how it should be? And if that isn't how it is then I should just end it now and find someone who I am enough for.
Do you ever feel like this? Do you reach a point where you just let it go and see what happens and stop the 24/7 monitoring? I just don't think I can live like this for the next 60 years.
It's all I can do to function everyday and take care if my 3 girls. I can't imagine bring 35 weeks pregnant. I don't really have advice, just wanted to let you know you were heard....
Take care of yourself (((hugs))).
The facts are if they are going to do it again, they will and there is nothing we can do to stop them. The only thing we can do is decide what to do if it does, make that plain to them, and stick by our boundaries. Then watch and see what they do next.
I still check my WH#2's phone on occasion. I still look at the phone log to see who he is calling and texting (not everyday) and if he is doing something I don't like, I say so. I have learned to detach from him and his craziness until I can decide what is the best avenue for me to pursue. If he cheats it will just speed up the process in my opinion. Then I will do what I have to do and what I told him I would do, and I won't look back.
I was so traumatized by the A, that I did not want to feel that way again. I felt that if I could catch her, then the pain would not be as deep and I could handle it better, mentally. I still fear feeling that trauma again, but I pay a lot more attention to her actions and compare to what she was like during the A. There are things she still does from time to time that remind me of then, but her other actions let me know that she is not involved again.
Status: working towards R...
My feelings are so numb and confused. Sometimes, I want to set him up just so I can catch him and leave. But, on the other hand he's so convincing that he will never do it again bc thought of losing his family...Well, he didn't think about that when he was blowing our money on dates and hotels.
But, I tell myself, "What am I supposed to do?" So, now I don't care if he cheats or not. In fact, I'm EXPECTING it. I will never ever be able to trust him again, especially after all the Ddays I've had. Yesterday, I was happy, positive, and hopeful. Not today, I guess...But, I too feel the same way.
It gets easier.
In IC, I expressed my frustration about this because I did not want to do this for the rest of my life and if WH really wanted to continue his A, he could purchase a pay as you go cell phone, set up a secret email account, and go underground. This was not the way I wanted to live. My counsellor told me that for right now, think of this as a way to rebalance the scales. She told me to imagine a scale (like the scales of justice). On one side is trust/truth and on the other side is distrust/lies. After discovering the A, the distrust/lies side is really heavy. If your WH is sincere about R, and gives you total transparency and when you check up on him and he has been honest about his whereabouts, contacts etc..., a small pebble is put on the side of trust/truth. The hope is that eventually you will no longer need to check obsessively because your WH has proven himself trustworthy in R and the scales will be tipped towards the trust/truth side. It sounds hokey but it gives me a visual to hold in my mind.
Right now, I'm only five weeks out of D-Day, I still check. Not as frequently or as often in the days after D-Day but I still check. I suspect that in the future, I will continue to check as certain days such as birthdays and holidays approach.
Hope this helps.
I don't know how I will ever trust or love him the same again so I feel my decision is one of "Am I willing to stay married to someone who had no problem risking it all for some skanky tramp in the hopes that he can become the person I thought him to be but be really never was?"
I'm not even sure it matters to me that he may or may not cheat on me again. He broke the vows so we are only legally married in my mind right now.
BS:45 WH:47 needhelp123
8yr EA&PA w/MCOW emp/frmr emp
19y M * 25y T, 2 teens
DDay 12/31/12*5w TT
Sick tired sad
I wish I knew how to get past the feeling of inadequacy that came along with the discovery of his A.
But it does get better. Really.
You're on the right path here, recognizing that your checking isn't going to stop an A. It just won't. It might help build trust - I'm not saying it doesn't have its place. But to KNOW that your checking is just a false sense of control is really important. You'll get through this.
Only a few weeks to go - and I new baby! Take care.
I don't know how to stop these feelings either but is not our fault. Its theirs for betraying us in the first place.
2) For me my WH consistent actions to be a better person and to right his wrong have eased my concerns. When you see that consistency, over a long period of time, is serves to ease your need to check, obsess and stress.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
I'm sorry your going through this, but comforted in the fact that its "normal" for our situation.
Hang in there!!!
Fully working on R...... which is the hardest thing I have ever been through!
Married 12 years
Dday 1 10/12 PA
Dday 2 03/15 (sexting)
Together 11 1/2 years
I've loved him forever
4 beautiful children ages 4-12 (one not bio his) but his through love
He could have another phone and email that I don't know about, but if he does it will eventually come to light and he will lose everything. I check what I can when I feel uneasy and the rest of the time I am leaving it up to him to be accountable for his whereabouts.