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He is either going to do it again or

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Angel177 posted 4/18/2013 10:36 AM

He isn't. It's that simple. He either will or he won't and there is nothing I can do about it. All this worrying and checking and stressing and obsessing has zero to do with it. So why do I worry and check and obsess and stress about it? Why waste so much energy on it when it's all on him?

I wish I could just accept that I really have no control over him and his choices and just let it go and whatever happens happens. My life revolves around "watching" him and wondering if I'm missing something, wondering if he is just better at hiding it or lying. It's exhausting.

It's taking away from my 2 year old and I'm 35 weeks pregnant and it's going to take away from him too. It takes away from my social life because I don't want to go anywhere because I need to be here to guard my house and my bed so he doesn't ruin our new bed like he did our old one with ow. It controls EVERYTHING.

Every thought I have goes back to that. Time is divided into before the A during the A and after the A.

It's just completely wearing me out. I wish I could just let it go and accept that he is going to do what he is going to do and if he wants to cheat I really can't stop him. What kind of marriage do we have if I feel like I need to be on top of him constantly to keep him from cheating? I want him to want to stay faithful to me. I want to be enough for him. Isn't that how it should be? And if that isn't how it is then I should just end it now and find someone who I am enough for.

Do you ever feel like this? Do you reach a point where you just let it go and see what happens and stop the 24/7 monitoring? I just don't think I can live like this for the next 60 years.

Chefj9 posted 4/18/2013 10:43 AM

I decided that I wasn't going to be a babysitter. I agree, he's either going too or not. I know the signals, If I see something that sends up a flag, I'll check. But I don't have the energy to look just to be looking.

It's all I can do to function everyday and take care if my 3 girls. I can't imagine bring 35 weeks pregnant. I don't really have advice, just wanted to let you know you were heard....

Take care of yourself (((hugs))).

TrustGone posted 4/18/2013 10:50 AM

You will eventually get to a point where you don't check everything all the time. I think it is in a way for us to have control over something in our lives and try to guard ourselves against another DDay and feeling so niave again.

The facts are if they are going to do it again, they will and there is nothing we can do to stop them. The only thing we can do is decide what to do if it does, make that plain to them, and stick by our boundaries. Then watch and see what they do next.

I still check my WH#2's phone on occasion. I still look at the phone log to see who he is calling and texting (not everyday) and if he is doing something I don't like, I say so. I have learned to detach from him and his craziness until I can decide what is the best avenue for me to pursue. If he cheats it will just speed up the process in my opinion. Then I will do what I have to do and what I told him I would do, and I won't look back.

padstack posted 4/18/2013 10:53 AM

I don't check up on fWW as much as I did in the beginning, but I still do from time to time. I got tired of stressing about what, where and how she was doing. The anxiety was starting to affect my work and my health. I came to the conclusion that I could not stop her from doing it again, but I did not want to be caught unaware. That was my driving force to check up on her constantly.

I was so traumatized by the A, that I did not want to feel that way again. I felt that if I could catch her, then the pain would not be as deep and I could handle it better, mentally. I still fear feeling that trauma again, but I pay a lot more attention to her actions and compare to what she was like during the A. There are things she still does from time to time that remind me of then, but her other actions let me know that she is not involved again.

libertyrocks posted 4/18/2013 10:53 AM

Yes, I don't think it's fair that I get to now live a life of worrying forever, while he gets a second chance in life...

My feelings are so numb and confused. Sometimes, I want to set him up just so I can catch him and leave. But, on the other hand he's so convincing that he will never do it again bc thought of losing his family...Well, he didn't think about that when he was blowing our money on dates and hotels.

But, I tell myself, "What am I supposed to do?" So, now I don't care if he cheats or not. In fact, I'm EXPECTING it. I will never ever be able to trust him again, especially after all the Ddays I've had. Yesterday, I was happy, positive, and hopeful. Not today, I guess...But, I too feel the same way.

AFrayedKnot posted 4/18/2013 10:57 AM

Im sorry for where you are at. Ive been there and still go nack there some days.

It gets easier.

Angel177 posted 4/18/2013 11:24 AM

Thanks everyone. It's so nice to vent to others who understand.

PointMan posted 4/18/2013 13:50 PM

Reading the book "CoDependent no more" by Melody Beattie has helped me with this. Especially chapter 7. I spent hours daily checking and snooping and finally decided to give it up after reading this book.
If my WW is going to cheat again I'll find out. I hope she doesn't but I'll be ok if she does, disappointed but ok.

SoVerySadNow posted 4/18/2013 15:38 PM

I don't ck on WH much any more- but I did a few days on ago on his birthday to see who might be sending "Happy Birthday my Love" greetings but didn't find any.
The desire to check fades until something come up. I'm not looking often now.

meplusfour posted 4/18/2013 15:56 PM

For me, I check less than I used to when I first found out. I used to check obsessively (emails, phone logs, text), worry compulsively and think of ways to trip up my WH. I felt like my WH's jailor and monitor. Like you, I didn't want to leave the house because I was convinced that something would happen if I left. It was exhausting and mentally draining.

In IC, I expressed my frustration about this because I did not want to do this for the rest of my life and if WH really wanted to continue his A, he could purchase a pay as you go cell phone, set up a secret email account, and go underground. This was not the way I wanted to live. My counsellor told me that for right now, think of this as a way to rebalance the scales. She told me to imagine a scale (like the scales of justice). On one side is trust/truth and on the other side is distrust/lies. After discovering the A, the distrust/lies side is really heavy. If your WH is sincere about R, and gives you total transparency and when you check up on him and he has been honest about his whereabouts, contacts etc..., a small pebble is put on the side of trust/truth. The hope is that eventually you will no longer need to check obsessively because your WH has proven himself trustworthy in R and the scales will be tipped towards the trust/truth side. It sounds hokey but it gives me a visual to hold in my mind.

Right now, I'm only five weeks out of D-Day, I still check. Not as frequently or as often in the days after D-Day but I still check. I suspect that in the future, I will continue to check as certain days such as birthdays and holidays approach.

Hope this helps.

cheerless posted 4/18/2013 16:11 PM

I rarely check. I feel like because he was able to fool me so completely and for so long I never saw any red flags so I wouldn't even know what to look out for. It seems most of us agree that we can't prevent someone from lying and cheating.

I don't know how I will ever trust or love him the same again so I feel my decision is one of "Am I willing to stay married to someone who had no problem risking it all for some skanky tramp in the hopes that he can become the person I thought him to be but be really never was?"

I'm not even sure it matters to me that he may or may not cheat on me again. He broke the vows so we are only legally married in my mind right now.

happierdays posted 4/18/2013 18:30 PM

It's exhausting enough being 35 weeks pregnant and having a little one. I check on my WH often too, mostly because I'm scared shitless of being blindsided again. Now I know he's capable of boldface lying to me. I agree if they're going to cheat again they will, I just dread being the unsuspecting fool again.

I wish I knew how to get past the feeling of inadequacy that came along with the discovery of his A.

RockyMtn posted 4/18/2013 21:04 PM

Yea, the blindsided part. That. My checking had a lot to do with avoiding that.

But it does get better. Really.

You're on the right path here, recognizing that your checking isn't going to stop an A. It just won't. It might help build trust - I'm not saying it doesn't have its place. But to KNOW that your checking is just a false sense of control is really important. You'll get through this.

Only a few weeks to go - and I new baby! Take care.

RockyMtn posted 4/18/2013 21:04 PM

Yea, the blindsided part. That. My checking had a lot to do with avoiding that.

But it does get better. Really.

You're on the right path here, recognizing that your checking isn't going to stop an A. It just won't. It might help build trust - I'm not saying it doesn't have its place. But to KNOW that your checking is just a false sense of control is really important. You'll get through this.

Only a few weeks to go - and I new baby! Take care.

lovehurtstomuch posted 4/18/2013 21:07 PM

I feel the same as you and its been almost a year from me finding out about his affair. I trigger every time my WH goes to work or works overtime. It was so easy for him to have his affair there. He has a work phone that I can't even check.

I don't know how to stop these feelings either but is not our fault. Its theirs for betraying us in the first place.

RidingHealingRd posted 4/19/2013 00:34 AM

1) I refuse to become his warden. He knows exactly what will happen if he betrays me in anyway ever again. It is his choice and he knows that I am a woman of my word.

2) For me my WH consistent actions to be a better person and to right his wrong have eased my concerns. When you see that consistency, over a long period of time, is serves to ease your need to check, obsess and stress.

Heartsick1 posted 4/19/2013 02:03 AM

I do this too. It is so frustrating to me because I never once befor D day really thought of looking at anything of his. I never knew that I could be this "crazy checker". It's maddening. I tell myself that he will find ways if he wants to, and it is not healthy for me to obsessive over it, but I can't help it! I'm struggling with this now. I'm 3.5 months out right now, so still fairly new. I've gone from checking multiple times a day to a couple. I have full transparency to everything, but it doesn't seem to be enough. I think it's a self preservation thing. I could note bare to be caught off guard again. It's so hard to believe they are sincere. I have to say each day I do not find anything I feel better. I hijacked his email and Facebook leading him to believe they were closed, but actually keeping open to see if any emails or messages came over. I also wanted the email so that I could "recover" forgotten passwords to websites I never even imagined existed. Each time nothing transpires, it makes me feel better. I think we all have our own time line of how long we need to continue to do it. I told my IC the other day it's like having a second job. Realistically, I don't have time for a second job! At some point I will be exhausted, but for now it's a routine. Check mine, check all his shit. It's getting better, I've made some progress of only checking a few things, but not everything.

I'm sorry your going through this, but comforted in the fact that its "normal" for our situation.

Hang in there!!!

Fightingmad posted 4/19/2013 06:43 AM

i could have written this. Especially the last paragraph about wanting to be enough for him. I feel like I can't stop him but still can't let go and be at peace. some day i just want to be happy again.

RightTrack posted 4/19/2013 07:30 AM

One year out and I can't imagine not checking, at least periodically. I'm no longer checking up on him b/c I think that this will keep him from cheating but because I want to know so I can leave. It was all right there on my phone records for years, it kills me to think that I never bothered to look before.

Zayda1 posted 4/19/2013 11:41 AM

I'm a year old. I still check, but not as frequently. I was blindsided by his affair and I refuse to be blindsided again. He know I will leave if I catch even a whiff of an affair. I will leave next time, there is no doubt on my mind.

He could have another phone and email that I don't know about, but if he does it will eventually come to light and he will lose everything. I check what I can when I feel uneasy and the rest of the time I am leaving it up to him to be accountable for his whereabouts.

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