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betraydtwice posted 4/18/2013 11:28 AM

My H had a EA for the past 8 months. I had been arguing about the ow for a long time.
When he went underground with his texts is when I found out.

I found he had been texting her and calling at night.

Anyway, the thing is that almost everyone in my family and those in his, tend to think I am making a mountain out of nothing. They think this because he didn't have sex with her.

My feeling is that
1/ he turned to her and told her things he didn't tell me
2/ The length of time this went on
3/ Lies lies and more lies to me
4/ He built her up at my expense
5/ He was spending a great deal of time and energy to look at her pics, keep in touch with her, and keep me out of it

Opinions please....Am I making too much out of this..

I seen some of their texts, and they were of the I love you variety rather than overtly sexual. But a lot of I miss you, can't wait to see you etc.

Also my H continues to lie

What do you think??

h0pe4ul posted 4/18/2013 11:32 AM

You are NOT exaggerating this situation, betrayed!!!!!

My WH had an EA with my former best friend for over five years and did all of the things you stated on your list and then some, w/the exception of sleeping with her, that I know of.

A are not just limited to physical interaction. Anyone or anything that one does that comes in between the marital union of you and your spouse is not good.

EA can be the worst, IMO, because our partners bond with another person in a way they are not doing with us. Sometimes, those kind of A can be the hardest to break because they have given their hearts to the OP, which in turn can lead to them having PA w/the OP.

Nine times out of ten, your WH continues to lie because he probably feels like (like mine) that he has done nothing wrong w/the OP because he has not slept with her yet.

He's wrong, wrong, WRONG!!!!!!

You have every right to be concerned and to let him know how you feel about what he is doing.

Just so you know: Sometimes, in making those concerns known, if he is really into this person, it may lead him to get closer to that person he's dealing with. If he is saying he doesn't want her but connects with her all the more after you let him know how you feel, he's into her for sure!

So, once again, NO, you are not wrong for feeling the way that you do in the least bit.

Just be prepared you may have to take some drastic measures to let him know you will not tolerate his behavior but if he is having feelings for this person, just know he may not listen to you without a fight.

I know there is an article about the WS being in a fog in the Healing Library on this site...maybe you can read it at your own leisure.

Wishing you all the best!!!

[This message edited by h0pe4ul at 11:38 AM, April 18th (Thursday)]

Lyonesse posted 4/18/2013 11:37 AM

my H continues to lie
This is certainly not "nothing"!

An EA is an affair, period. The damage in a PA comes from exactly the same things that you mentioned in 1-5. Have you and WH read Not Just Friends? Does he understand that having those reversed windows and walls has destroyed your trust and your marriage?

You are not wrong at all - if your H does not begin to face up to what is driving him to seek outside validation, you will never have a marriage that sustains you.

If anything, HE is the one who needs to "get over it" - go NC and start working on his issues.

betraydtwice posted 4/18/2013 11:40 AM

That is what I explain to everyone. He has been thinking and connecting with her for the past year.

This involves his heart. If it was a ons or even a short term sexual affair, I think I could get over it easier. No feeling involved, he didn't care for her, it's about sex. But this broke my heart because I know he "cares" for her. A roll in the hay is exactly that just sex, no heart involved

tushnurse posted 4/18/2013 12:51 PM

He is in big time denial. It is NEVER ok to lie in a marriage. Have you tried to spin it on him, How would he feel if you had an alcohol or drug problem that you were hiding from him?

You have every right to be upset, and if others say you are wrong they are not getting the whole picture.

I would suggest you think long and hard about what you want for your relationship. Will you continue to allow him to lie to you, and disrespect you? Are you willing to forgive this transgression if it stops now. What does he have to do to stop it, and help you heal from this? Then you have to lay it on the line for him. If he is still saying he is doing nothing wrong, it's going to take something pretty signifigant for him to get it.

Does this OW have a spouse? I would certainly reach out to him and let him know about it.

Start getting your evidence together too. It may take this for him to truly admit to what he is doing.

(((((and strength)))))

hopefulmother posted 4/18/2013 14:02 PM

Betrayedtwice...I agree it is worse and you will find through research that most women find that an EA is worse for them and a women having a PA is worse for the man. My H had an EA for 2 months and then was in the "fog" for a month after D-day. He thought I was overreacting. But, it is worse. Men don't open up emotionally very well, so of course it is especially damaging when they do this and share themselves with anyone else. Tell your family to visit the web site. Ignore them if they have never experienced it. It may take your H a while to understand how damaging his choice was. Have him visit and read "Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse" and other articles to help him see what his actions did.

sisoon posted 4/18/2013 14:05 PM

1, 3, 4, & 5 say EA. 5 is taking a big part of your M away from you ... it shows he prefers spending time and energy on her over spending it on you. How is that not a violation of your M?

(Your 2nd point is minor IMO - if this went on for more than a few days your H has a problem.)

Have you and he read Not "Just Friends"? If he won't read NJF, or if he won't acknowledge his problem after reading it, your best bet may be the 180.

Sorry you have to deal with this mess.

lieshurt posted 4/18/2013 14:10 PM

Anyway, the thing is that almost everyone in my family and those in his, tend to think I am making a mountain out of nothing. They think this because he didn't have sex with her.

Hmmm...so with their logic, you could take a knife and stab your WS in the back a few times and it would be forgivable because you didn't actually kill him? Don't think so.

3boys posted 4/18/2013 17:12 PM

An EA is an A.

An EA can turn into a PA very easily.

That is what happened to my FWH and his MOW. Their EA (read..."special friendship") turned into a PA for 2 to 3 months before ending by being caught.

EA's are dangerous.

An EA is an A just without the sex.

Your H is in denial.

3boys

Rebreather posted 4/18/2013 17:24 PM

How do you know it was not physical?

Knowing posted 4/18/2013 17:46 PM

What I learnt about EA: anytime one spouse gives away time, attention, love, friendship or affection to someone else without the other spouses knowledge, consent or approval.

It is indeed a betrayal.

[This message edited by Knowing at 5:46 PM, April 18th, 2013 (Thursday)]

Thorston posted 4/18/2013 18:39 PM

If I knew how dangerous a EA can be, after D-Day #1 I would not be where I am right now. I did not even realize that there was such thing as an emotional affair, and because of that, my marriage is very close to being over.

wontdefineme posted 4/18/2013 18:54 PM

My ex told me he had an inappropriate relationship and only admitted to a sexual affair in divorce papers. Liars lie, plain and simple. If he is continuing to lie, then there is way more.

30Rocked posted 4/18/2013 18:58 PM

I agree with a previous poster about reading "Not Just Friends". It really helps you understand why emotional affairs are a betrayal. It would be great if your family supported you instead of making you feel like you're making something out of nothing, but rest assured, they are 100% wrong. And remember, you do not need to feel like you have to convince them of anything. They either don't get it or don't want to get it.

authenticnow posted 4/18/2013 19:01 PM

Hopefulmother, Please don't generalize. It is against forum guidelines.


GENERAL STATEMENTS: Please refrain from making statements that generalize gender, WS/OP/BS, race, religion or political alignment. Also do not presume to speak on behalf of other people.

Thank you.

FaithStricken posted 4/18/2013 22:23 PM

The EA robs the marriage of the nurturance it needs. It steals intimacy and integrity from it. There is a reason why polygamy isn't preferable. It isn't just because of sex. People in a marriage need to feel secure, trust and be willing to be emotionally vulnerable. All of these require monogamy both emotional and physical.

[This message edited by FaithStricken at 10:26 PM, April 18th (Thursday)]

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