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Jack317 posted 4/18/2013 13:48 PM

OK. I won't rehash the details of my A as I have already done so in an earlier post. Here's what's going on. I'll be attending three (3) months of training starting in May. I'll be able to come home on the weekends. The training will be held in the same town where the OW lives. It's training that I have to attend. My S told me today that she doesn't want me to leave the campus. I understand her concerns. What can I do to help her understand that I'm there solely for the purpose of the training? That I'm going to be studying so much that I won't have time for much else? Any help and advice would be welcome!

MediumRare posted 4/18/2013 13:55 PM

Do you have a cell phone with camera? You might want to work out a deal that will help her deal with this, such as making pre-arranged times where you will text her and send a picture of you and your surroundings.

You need to get from her what will make her more comfortable and not trigger while you are away and near the OW. Regular check-ins, regular sending of pictures of you/surroundings, constant contact, and maybe even enabling of GPS on your phone so she can check your position at any time?

These are the kinds of things that will put her more at ease. Empower her to be able to deal with her triggers and give her 24/7 access for when they may strike.

lieshurt posted 4/18/2013 14:02 PM

OK. I won't rehash the details of my A as I have already done so in an earlier post.

For future reference, add it to your profile. Your first post won't always be available for people to refer back to.

What can I do to help her understand that I'm there solely for the purpose of the training? That I'm going to be studying so much that I won't have time for much else?

Be accountable for your whereabouts at all times. Don't tell her you won't be going out and then turn around and go out. Do you what you say you are going to do.

Also, what about the OW? Has she tried to contact you? Does she know about the training and where?

hopefulmother posted 4/18/2013 14:07 PM

Can you take her with you? She will trigger the whole time and probably be set back a ton in her R. She will not be able to stop her mind from the what-ifs. I know. I had a similar thing happen to me, when my H had to work with the AP for a week.

MediumRare posted 4/18/2013 14:13 PM

Yah, I guess I kinda jumped the gun on a few points assuming too much!

Is it 100% accurate to say:
1) You are NC with the OW.
2) You have not contacted the OW in the recent past?
3) Does the OW know about this training, where & when?
4) You have no plans to contact the OW before, during, or after this training?

If all of the above are indeed the case, and you can't take your WS with you, then you'll need to find a way to keep her at ease for the entire duration of your training. Cell phone/GPS/keylogger and check-in times, or whatever additional things she may have to add to make her 100% sure you're not slipping away to cheat once more.

Jack317 posted 4/18/2013 14:15 PM

I wish I could take her with me! But unfortunately due to the nature of the training, it's impossible. The OW lives in the town and will not be able to see me at all.

lieshurt posted 4/18/2013 14:20 PM

The OW lives in the town and will not be able to see me at all.

Why? What would prevent her from showing up?

Jack317 posted 4/18/2013 14:29 PM

Because she won't be able to make it past security.

lieshurt posted 4/18/2013 14:34 PM

And what about answers to MediumRare's questions? It's great to ask for advice, but people need more info to be able to provide it.

[This message edited by lieshurt at 2:43 PM, April 18th (Thursday)]

Jack317 posted 4/18/2013 14:38 PM

Sorry guys! I have had zero contact and written a no contact letter, which my BS has read. I'll be attending a police academy so the OW will not be able to visit.

lieshurt posted 4/18/2013 14:47 PM

Thank you Jack317.

I think providing your BS with things like your complete schedule for each day, sending her texts/with pics to show where you are at throughout the day and calling her on breaks/during meals will help. IMHO, letting her know you are thinking about her throughout the day makes a difference.

In the evening, skype with her, so she can see you in your room. If need be, have it set up for her to be able to check at anytime during the night so she can verify your location. Like I said though, don't tell her you won't do something and then do it or vice versa. Otherwise, she can't build any trust at all.

[This message edited by lieshurt at 2:47 PM, April 18th (Thursday)]

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 4/18/2013 15:03 PM

Like lies said- you could leave Skype open (even all night) so she can see you in your room whenever she needs.

RightTrack posted 4/19/2013 07:46 AM

You could put one of those trackers on your phone so your wife could physically "see" where you are when she wanted to. I think we have Life 360 and it was helpful at first (my WH has one of those jobs where he's all over the place, no regular hours, etc) but then it developed some bugs. It would say he was two counties away and near the beach when he was really in his office that was bunker-like and didn't get cell reception - I checked and triple checked when this first happened. Your phone provider may have a better program.

heforgotme posted 4/19/2013 08:09 AM

you could leave Skype open (even all night) so she can see you in your room whenever she needs.

Omgosh! This is such an awesome idea!

Unagie posted 4/19/2013 08:37 AM

All the suggestion here are great. Look despite the fact that you tell her OW can't get to you because of security what is probably going through her head is: I bet you can get to her if you really wanted to. Or: you cheated on me once you can do it again, doesn't even have to be with OW, not like I can trust you when your not right next to me.

Sorry if that sounds mean but I know its things I thought after my DDay and was told by my SO after his. She needs security, as much as you can muster for her. So offer her all the suggestions here and see if she needs more. Then do all of it and do no slack off. She needs to feel it and see it to believe it, and even then it will take awhile.

GraceisGood posted 4/19/2013 10:04 AM

My S told me today that she doesn't want me to leave the campus

Why would you need to leave the campus if ???

I'm going to be studying so much that I won't have time for much else?

If this is the case, then why not agree to not leave the campus and give her what she is asking? Just curious.


Grace

Jack317 posted 4/19/2013 10:12 AM

I'm not going to leave campus. I need to focuss on becoming an officer

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