It is difficult to look back at events and memories and know that you were being authentic and your spouse was not. to always wonder what was real or what was performance.
It is difficult to accept not only that the A occured, but that you were in error in thinking you **knew** your spouse.
She was arguing that Aís happen, that is just the way it is. The dreamy stars aligned and it was meant to be bullshit
This may be a major factor in why you may have some difficulty in **getting over** it.
A's are made of choices, not happenstance. She made decisions to break boundaries and move the A forward. Many times.
A's are not some romantic adventure that crop up in ones life like buttercups. They are the height of self indulgent delusion and entitlement. They are built..... a text, email, call, get together at a time. And she participated in every ugly inch of it.
If it was so damn special why didn't she risk anything for it? Why not tell the truth and bring all those glittery stars out into public and share all that special magic with the world? Probably because she liked the cake eating. She got both worlds and that worked for her.
My H and I didn't go to MC until we were in R for a couple of years. It is exhausting to R with someone who was waiting for me to heal on my own, so that we could move forward with him doing as little as humanly possible.
Staying in the relationship isn't R. I had to learn that the hard way. You can not R alone- no matter how hard you try.
You can not change what is not acknowledged. It was such a relief to stop feeling like I was the problem because I couldn't skip right on into the future because he KNEW what he did wrong and that it would never happen again- and that **should be** enough for someone who loved him.
IMO, you are trying to live in the moment because your partner is happy to rugsweep and if you concentrate on today hard enough the years of lying and 2 incidents of infidelity will fade into the past as fast as your can bury it by **living in the moment**.
But like any good horror pic the past will always loom and dig itself out.. again and again... until you deal with it.
I suggest a strong MC. That was what helped us. Having a third party guide us and hold us accountable INVALUABLE. Worth every penny and ours was not cheap.
Hang in there.
[This message edited by redrock at 7:52 PM, April 18th (Thursday)]