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Figuring Out Their "Why's"

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IGaveItMyAll posted 4/18/2013 14:14 PM

I guess this question is for WS but any BS can answer too. My WW is now really starting to dig into her "Why's" It was like a light went off in her head last night. No more blaming me :) She was just confused... Why did I try and give up my whole family and Why did I do this to myself? I have my opinions on why she did it. I expressed them she agreed as part of it. But seems like she is really ready to dig deep. I am excited. I have been waiting for this but you can lead a horse to the water but can't make them drink.

How difficult is it to figure out your Why's? I know its different for different people but how long did it take? I want to be supportive but what was the best way a BS can support you through IC. I feel like its individual thing. All I can think of is support giving her the time to work on herself (hard with 2 kids & working part time).

0115 posted 4/18/2013 22:28 PM

I'm a BS. I think what helped my FWH the most was giving him time and space to do his soul searching. I also tried to just listen when he came upon something that "fit". Sometimes it didn't. I remember him saying that between his IC, his friend, SI and a priest that he didn't really know who he was. Everyone had their own opinions. It took time to shake it all down and figure what really fit. How long? 6 months initially and then another 8 months for fine tuning. He still remembers things and will put something together. Just last week (we're 2+ years out) he told me something he just figured out.

So, if she's really trying? Give her time, patience, and space. If its genuine, it's going to be so hard for her to look at all the ugliness.
Good luck

atsenaotie posted 4/19/2013 08:43 AM


It is a good sign that your WW is beginning to own her actions and her A. It took my FWW nearly a year to get to that point.

I know its different for different people but how long did it take?

About a year after dday, FWW started IC in earnest to work on her issues. She had FOO issues and borderline personality traits to work through. She has been working on this for 2.5 years now and is much better, but it is a a work in progress. For many of her issues there is no "cure", only learning new and healthier behaviors and thought patterns to replace the earlier unhealthy ones.

In times of stress she will revert back to the old behaviors and thought patterns. I am told this is common. The behaviors learned and internalized as a child never fully go away. When we are stressed or become lax over time we tend to settle back into those behaviors. In my FWW's case she has 50 years of learning and acting these no longer helpful behaviors, it will take more than a few years to excise them.

I want to be supportive but what was the best way a BS can support you through IC. I feel like its individual thing.

I will not claim mine was the best way, but t was my way and seems to have worked. I detached. Not a full 180, but we became much more like friends than H & W for nearly two years. I made IC available, I did (more than) my fair share of household chores, I tolerated no sex (<6x a year), I tried to be supportive. I also protected my boundaries and expressed my needs.

During this time I also worked on finances and budgeting to begin to accumulate some buffer in savings if D ended up being the outcome. I continued working on me, some IC, exercising, re-focusing on my career, hobbies, establishing social friends.

You are right, it is an individual thing. FWW has had to face many ugly truths that she had been denying to herself. I know she did not enjoy her IC, and often was quiet and withdrawn for a day or two after a session. This is part of why I detached during this period. It would have been too difficult and unhealthy to enmesh myself into FWWs emotional struggles that I could not control.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 8:46 AM, April 19th (Friday)]

heforgotme posted 4/19/2013 08:53 AM

Everyone is so different, but WH says that it helps him when we talk. Bc otherwise he would just choose not to think about it. Sounds simplistic, but pretty much every time we talk something comes out that makes him think. He hasn't started IC yet, but when he does he already knows of some things he wants to address.

Good luck and kudos for being so willing to help.

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