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Newest Member: PregnantNurse (61778)

User Topic: getting through triggers
♀ 37570
Member # 37570
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When the BS triggers, how do you both get through it? What does that look like? Who does what?

Just looking for thoughts and ideas. How we used to handle it doesn't seem to be working anymore.


Me: WW
Him: BH
DD: 7
Married: 9.5 Years
1st DDay: 9/17/12 Admitted to EA
2nd DDay: 10/18/12 Admitted to PA with coworker

Posts: 64 | Registered: Nov 2012
♀ 31740
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is an example of how ours usually goes.

I'm walking into Babies R Us to buy a shower gift. I see a couple registering. He's involved and protective. I start to get queasy and I remember being pregnant, feeling alone, then I remember the timeline and start to think "he was with her when I was here last. He cared more about screwing her than he did about protecting and supporting me".

I called him and he picked up on my emotions and said "what's wrong...are you OK?" I tell him and he says "I'm so sorry that what I did is still causing you pain...can I come and help you? What can I do?" We talk a little and it goes away.

If I wouldn't have told him and got it out then it would have festered in my mind and probably have gotten worse.

For me, if I get it out it's better. It always helps when he anticipates that a trigger will happen and squeezes my hand or just acknowledges me.

Good luck and keep trying. It takes a long time but don't give up!! It gets better.

BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 1018 | Registered: Apr 2011
♀ 38139
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, April 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing i did to help me thru triggers was to make a daily log of all the things my WH does for me every day. From the little things to the big ones...i listed everything. That way, when i was in a bad place, i could look thru the list and remind myself that this is the here and now and he is working on us and committed to me.

i was having a difficult time coping with triggers (and the A in general), so i also read the book How Can I Forgive You. While it didn't deal specifically with triggers, it did help me put some things into perspective for myself...which in turn helped me with triggers.

I have also forced myself to open up more to my WH when i do trigger. we talk thru it. he actively listens, repeats back to me what i am feeling in his own words so i know he understands what i am going thru.

One other thing WH does for me when i am feeling triggery/needing reassurance is: I text him "need a pix". he has 2 minutes to send me a pix of himself wherever he is. Doesn't matter if he's in a meeting, out to lunch with colleagues or wherever....he stops whatever he is doing and sends the pix.

hugs to you!!

Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
♂ 38518
Member # 38518
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a tough one, because it seems as though everyone has their own ways of working through triggers.

For me, I made the decision early on that I really couldn't use my WS as an immediate crisis support person for a trigger when it is underway. Doing so would have exacerbated the trigger even more, as my WS was the exact SOURCE of the trigger to begin with..! So, I was determined to find a way within myself to deal with it, and then once it passed or I processed it, I would talk to her about it on some occasions (depends on if it was even worth talking about after the fact or not).

I have found that walking works very well. I know it doesn't sound glamorous or new-age, but that is what I did. Just start putting one foot in front of the other.

OK this may sound weird, but this is also what I would do in times where walking wouldn't work by itself: I would actually envision myself back in a previous relationship I have had prior to my M. But only the good parts of a previous relationship (meaning, I wouldn't think about how an ex-GF and I broke up, but I would think about having fun with that person, doing cool things, etc.). It isn't to suggest in any way that I desire that person or relationship anymore, but for some reason it helped REMIND me of how a GOOD relationship should feel, and how much fun and excitement there is. And before I knew it, after maybe 30-60 minutes, I was completely over the trigger. It was pretty cool, actually.

As of recently, I've noticed that my triggers are MUCH fewer and farther between. It really does begin to get more and more gradual as the WS does more to be honest, forthcoming, disclose, and you have NO MORE DISCOVERIES. That is the big one. If you are still discovering shit out about the A (maybe that they previously denied, etc.), it can start the clock over in a lot of circumstances.

Hope that helps!

BH (me): 35
WW: 34
1 kid (7 y/o)
multiple affairs spanning our entire 11-year marriage
multiple d-days over the last 3 years (most recently: 1/3/2016)
divorced and finally released from this prison: 2/26/2016

Posts: 199 | Registered: Feb 2013
Topic Posts: 4

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