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love him enough to set him free

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Fightingmad posted 4/18/2013 20:57 PM

Has anyone thought like this. I'm 6 months post dday. he is remorseful but through our many talks I now believe that I can never fulfill his sexual fantasies/curiosities as he calls them. Can you love them enough to let them go? I'm not ready to share my children. am i bring selfish to stay with him so I don't have to. This gives him false hope...I'm so lost and confused and angry.

RockyMtn posted 4/18/2013 20:59 PM

You can love yourself enough to let him go. Love who you are and what you have to offer. If it isn't enough for him, that's his deal but you don't have to accept it. It says nothing about you.

I understand about the kids, I think all of us parents do.


HappyRunner posted 4/18/2013 22:13 PM

Be true to yourself. You cannot fix him...but you can make sure your partner is the right one for you. - you will know what to do.

blakesteele posted 4/18/2013 22:24 PM


Is it possible your husband has never fully came out of the fog? I only mention this because some of your post indicated to me that he never fully gave up his love affair with the A. I know my wife was slow to come out of the fog...what a horrible time period that was.

If he is truly out of the fog, and all of the fantasy that was tied deeply to it, I fear he is going down a dark I suspect he is "curious" about sex with multiple partners...I say this because I thought you mentioned he initiated a conversation about people in OPEN marriages and how he thought that could work.

This is really something for each of you to decide. It sounds as if an open marriage is NOT an option for you...but continues to be one for your husband.

Sharing your children is going to be a concern. I believe financially you will do fine and he will initially struggle....and maybe that is what he needs to get him out of the fantasy world he has developed in his mind (provided he is still lost in the fog).

I hate this for you...learning to R is tough enough if BOTH spouses are committed to learning.

Is WH in IC? Still going to MC?

Back to sharing children...I dispise the fact that my children were a topic of conversation between my wife and the OM....that he even knows what they look like. I would really be uncomfortable with another man being any sort of fatherly influence on my girls....and my wife does not like the idea of another woman having any motherly influence on them.

If your husband is going down the suspected dark path...he could be getting into some pretty unsavory social circles.

As far as being selfish to stay so you dont have to share your children.....we are examples for our children. This fact alone is a huge driver for me. I really want to push myself to display to my girls what my parents failed to display to me. That is a real, caring relationship between husband and wife, mom and dad...pimples and all. I want to show them that two imperfect people can work through serious issues and find their way to the other side together.

To do this I must grow and change. My wife must grow and change. We must both get back up as we fall down. My wife is committed to this too. Dang it is tough!

I mentally put my girls in my place 30 years from now. I pray they are never where we are at...but if they find themselves there I want them to have more tools to work on their marriage then I had starting to do the work I am doing. I have struggled to really understand what it means to be in a fully committed caring mature has my wife....due to coming from divorced parents that really tried very little to work things out. The only hope I have to make that happen, to teach and mold my girls into mature caring people, is to press forward and keep trying.

Do you think your husband is interested in being a Dad still? In my case my Dad simply disappeared after their divorce. To this day he said it was to protect us kids....but I think there was considerable selfishness on his behalf. He, too, had sexual desires outside of

I hope this is making sense. I am sorry you are going through this. I have boldly offered advice I seldom would offer...and I dont know all of the intricate details that make a big difference in your situation. I felt moved to try...maybe because your husband is displaying some of the same tendancies as my Dad.

God bless us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:32 PM, April 18th (Thursday)]

Fightingmad posted 4/19/2013 06:04 AM

I don't think, actually I know he has no interest in the A partner. never did beyond the sex. I think he is afraid of getting old regretting not experiencing as much as possible. He does not believe in God. This life is it for him and wants to experience it all. He and I talked about our fantasies and very.intimate things. now he wants to live them out. I don't think I can. There's a reason they are fantasies not meant to be reality.

I'm afraid I will lose the love of my life because I can't live up to these.
I know he loves me but I don't want him having regrets our starting if he's not happy. I want to be sometimes everything. And while going to want a divorced mom of 4 children

confused615 posted 4/19/2013 06:20 AM

There is a whole other side of my husband's sexuality that I can never satisfy. But marriage is about more than sex and's about love,commitment,kids,family,etc. So much more than the sex.

Have you told him you can not do what he wants? What was his reaction?

Just so you know,FM,you *are* more than enough.

Knowing posted 4/19/2013 07:20 AM

There's an easy gauge for actions. If they hurt anyone or yourself in any way, they should not be undertaken.

Your WH's refusal to give up the fulfillment of his sexual fantasies is selfish and wrong. He has prior commitments, you and your family. It stops there. I hope someday soon he realizes that he's already committed, it's too late to go back, and he has to live up to that committment. It's amazing that someone would give up a fulfilling M and family life for a few cheap thrills.

Why is his fantasy life more important than his family life? More important than reality? That should be explored in IC and MC. Sexual bents/perversions/desires that fall outside the norm can be an indicator of CSA, especially when the person is obsessed or willing to take risks to fulfill it.

Fightingmad posted 4/19/2013 08:28 AM

knowing, I wish I knew why he thinks that's more important. But I don't know howto get him to want us more than that. He wants me fulfilled to but doesn't see that I don't need that like he does. I'm willingto be adventurous but Ihave limits that he does not. I don't want to lose him over this or marriage is good in many other ways. I just don't know how to get past it.

We are restarting therapy this week...maybe that will help. I don't want him renting me ten years from now either. it's all so confusing

Jospehine85 posted 4/19/2013 10:00 AM

Fightingmad you would not be losing your marriage over failure to fulfill your WH's sexual fantasies.

You would be walking away from a man who is unsatisfied with his present. This is a man who can not appreciate the moment because he thinks there is something bigger and better in the future (his fantasies).

Unless he can change this mindset, he will never be happy with you or your family.

You are trying to make this about your perceived shortcoming, but it's not. It's about a WH who can never be satisfied with what he has. You are fighting a losing battle.

Do you really want a man who would throw away everything, (his wife, his children, his reputation, his integrity) for raunchier sex? Seriously, that is not an equal partnership/marriage. That is you being used like an appliance.

If this is the mental state he is in, I do not think you will have to worry about sharing the children. He will not make time to be with them. Make it easy on him to skip taking them.

Theradin posted 4/19/2013 10:43 AM

That's a really tough situation, but I think it's one in which you will come out MUCH better than you are now. If he truly loved you, he would "work through his sexual curiosities" with you, and not just use it as an excuse to have an A.

Maybe he really is better matched with, well, a paid sexual partner who can live out his fantasies at an hourly rate (note: I am not trying to be funny here, but if they are that out-in-left-field, then maybe he has WAY more issues than you deserve to stick around for). Also, keep in mind the children, they may be affected by this, especially if it continues on and on for years and years. Looks like there's some soul-searching to be had. Best of luck to you.

blakesteele posted 4/19/2013 11:53 AM

Don't sell yourself short. You are more than enough. Real caring men are out, age, etc wont detour them from you.

Rejection is a big part of this for BS's...self esteem reaches all time lows. I have experienced this. But now I have rebounded and feel more confident then I have in years. I am attacking new duties and eagerl attacking problems at work with no trepidation. Women appear to be visiting more often and visits last longer. At times it is actually fun!

Take a moment and look how far you have come...look at your comitment to your M and your family. Even under this tremendous strain you have not buckled. Our WS buckled under considerable less strain. I am not saying one is better then the other...just that you need to recognize how strong you actually are. I am convinced this strength shines through us and others pick up on it. It is nice when our WS's recognize and appreciate this strength as well. It is also good for us to see the effort and commitment our WS's are putting forth.

You have more value and strength then you realize right now. You will realize this soon and light will shine on and through you.

Hang in there. Take care of yourself.

God be with us all.

tired girl posted 4/19/2013 12:08 PM


Has he talked about any of this with an IC?

ItsaClimb posted 4/19/2013 14:08 PM

Fightingmad, I really believe that a truly remorseful and committed fWS will be willing to move heaven and earth to meet the needs of the BS, in no way will he be making his own needs the priority. IMO this is a time when it should all be about you and what you need, how to heal your hurts, how to make you feel safe and secure in the relationship. I'm just not getting a sense that that is happening for you? You and your kids need a happy, loving, nurturing environment, only you know whether there is potential for that to be found in your current relationship or in a different situation. {{hugs}}

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