(((((fightingmad)))))
Is it possible your husband has never fully came out of the fog? I only mention this because some of your post indicated to me that he never fully gave up his love affair with the A. I know my wife was slow to come out of the fog...what a horrible time period that was.
If he is truly out of the fog, and all of the fantasy that was tied deeply to it, I fear he is going down a dark path...as I suspect he is "curious" about sex with multiple partners...I say this because I thought you mentioned he initiated a conversation about people in OPEN marriages and how he thought that could work.
This is really something for each of you to decide. It sounds as if an open marriage is NOT an option for you...but continues to be one for your husband.
Sharing your children is going to be a concern. I believe financially you will do fine and he will initially struggle....and maybe that is what he needs to get him out of the fantasy world he has developed in his mind (provided he is still lost in the fog).
I hate this for you...learning to R is tough enough if BOTH spouses are committed to learning.
Is WH in IC? Still going to MC?
Back to sharing children...I dispise the fact that my children were a topic of conversation between my wife and the OM....that he even knows what they look like. I would really be uncomfortable with another man being any sort of fatherly influence on my girls....and my wife does not like the idea of another woman having any motherly influence on them.
If your husband is going down the suspected dark path...he could be getting into some pretty unsavory social circles.
As far as being selfish to stay so you dont have to share your children.....we are examples for our children. This fact alone is a huge driver for me. I really want to push myself to display to my girls what my parents failed to display to me. That is a real, caring relationship between husband and wife, mom and dad...pimples and all. I want to show them that two imperfect people can work through serious issues and find their way to the other side together.
To do this I must grow and change. My wife must grow and change. We must both get back up as we fall down. My wife is committed to this too. Dang it is tough!
I mentally put my girls in my place 30 years from now. I pray they are never where we are at...but if they find themselves there I want them to have more tools to work on their marriage then I had starting to do the work I am doing. I have struggled to really understand what it means to be in a fully committed caring mature relationship...as has my wife....due to coming from divorced parents that really tried very little to work things out. The only hope I have to make that happen, to teach and mold my girls into mature caring people, is to press forward and keep trying.
Do you think your husband is interested in being a Dad still? In my case my Dad simply disappeared after their divorce. To this day he said it was to protect us kids....but I think there was considerable selfishness on his behalf. He, too, had sexual desires outside of marriage......sucks.
I hope this is making sense. I am sorry you are going through this. I have boldly offered advice I seldom would offer...and I dont know all of the intricate details that make a big difference in your situation. I felt moved to try...maybe because your husband is displaying some of the same tendancies as my Dad.
God bless us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:32 PM, April 18th (Thursday)]