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white knuckling it

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thumbelina posted 4/18/2013 22:24 PM

Any other Waywards really struggling? I mean in terms of keeping it together for your BS's while at the same time trying to heal your own stuff that got you into trouble to begin with? Some days it just feels like an insurmountable task. Not that I want to give up, but damn… I can't be the only one really struggling with this? Granted, we are less than 3 months out from D-day but every couple of days I feel like a complete and utter failure, loser, child. Not only are we dealing with the fallout of my A, but we both have MAJOR FOO issues (so bad that my IC has recommended I cut my mother out of my life altogether), I am recovering from a severe eating disorder, and my BS is dealing with unresolved childhood SA and addiction issues.

I am not looking for anyone to play me the world's smallest violin. Right now it would just help me immensely to not feel so incredibly alone with this pain and struggle. I feel I am truly giving this my all, and sometimes I feel that having limitations are not acceptable. But trying to be "on" all the time is just wearing me so incredibly thin (no pun intended).

Any words of wisdom? I don't plan on giving up by any stretch of the imagination. Even if my BS decided I am too complex a puzzle to solve, I am dedicated to fitting my own pieces together so that I don't repeat any of my devastating mistakes.

EmotionalFool posted 4/19/2013 03:08 AM

((thumbelina)) Yes... it difficult and tiring. Hang in there.

MyBiggestFailure posted 4/19/2013 04:38 AM

Yeah, it's hard.

For me every day is a struggle just to get out of bed, but I have to go on, have to get on with it. For myself at least.

It feels selfish, but you have to focus on sorting your own issues out before you can deal with the other issues facing you both, because your issues, like mine, are what led you to cheat, and unless you sort those, there's no reason for BS to believe that it's not going to happen again

Sienna500 posted 4/19/2013 04:39 AM

I don't really have any advice but that's because you're definitely not alone. I think everyone will or will have felt like that at some point.

I can be OK one minute and thinking how lucky I am to have my H and then all of a sudden I think how stupid and pathetic I am.

I personally always remember what someone told me a very long time ago, "all feelings are temporary" i.e. you won't always feel that way, something will come up and distract you from it. It probably sounds bizarre but it helps me. Here at work we have "when you feel like giving up, remember why you held on so long in the first place". I've stared at that a few times over the past few months.

Also, it's great that you're working in yourself. When I learn what other people are are doing it inspires me. This makes you an inspiration, not a failure.

cinnamongurl posted 4/19/2013 05:54 AM

Thumbelina, I'm not here with advice, just to let you know you're not alone. I struggle everyday with guilt and self disgust, I always have, but now it's different. It's really tough to be kind to yourself when you really don't like yourself. But through this whole process of self discovery I've found something that I never even realized I had lost, myself.

So even though I struggle, and everyday seems is hard, I'm learning to accept that these are MY struggles, and I own them. They are a part of me and they are valid. I think by identifying that, we can begin the process of learning to get past that. We need to embrace the pain in order to overcome it. Does that make sense? I hope so.

Apple3point14 posted 4/19/2013 09:31 AM

I strongly suggest that you be tangible at this point. For example, my bs didn't see my efforts, so I started writing them down. What I found is that I wasn't doing as much as I thought. She also read the list and knew I eas trying. Also, my bs docent want to see my 'struggle'. I don't deserve any 'poor me' stuff right now.

Finally10 posted 4/19/2013 11:13 AM

We all struggle, the remorseful ones of us anyway. I'm not sure there is a "best" way to handle this. On one hand, many BS's don't want to see the struggle we WS's have with our own issues, we made our bed so to speak. While on the other hand, some need to see that you are having as much trouble with your actions as they are, it validates their struggle, and allows them to see that you too are dealing with the consequences of your actions. I think this varies depending on where you are on the healing timeline. Early on they have no patience for your struggle. Later on, they need to see that you are working as hard as they are. You just have to walk a fine line and stay away from allowing your own shame to get in the way of healing the both of you. Wallowing in your own shame and guilt to the point that you can't see your BS's pain is not a good place to try and heal from.

knightsbff posted 4/19/2013 13:13 PM

I'm in this club too Thumbelina.

Barely holding it together a lot of days. All I can do is grit my teeth and keep on moving.

Sorry no words of wisdom, just ((((hugs)))).

grapefruit posted 4/19/2013 19:19 PM

Yep, I'm here too. Feeling very alone right now. I told my parents what I had done yesterday and they are deeply shocked. I feel like the scum of the earth. But I know wallowing in that feeling is not going to help. I'm committed to sorting out my issues.

Sorry, I really just wanted to say that I feel your pain. ((thumbelina))

thumbelina posted 4/19/2013 20:40 PM

Thank you, everyone. Today was a better day. There are more and more of those, but when the bad ones hit, they really hit. It can feel impossible at times. The climb out of the hole is definitely incredibly more difficult than jumping in.

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