SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Rakerblade posted 4/19/2013 06:06 AM

Hello all,

In addition to my anxiety about an upcoming trip for work (see my other post) I have something else I'd like to hear some feedback on.

For the last month or so I have had periods of time (a morning, afternoon, maybe a day here and there) where I have strong periods of depression, focused mainly on my feelings of insecurity/unworthiness as a man and husband.
I'm slightly overweight, and I'm also 15 years older than my wife, and I am genetically pre-disposed to having poor dental health.
When my mind adds all that up I see "the old fat guy with f**ked up teeth"... which makes me feel that not only am I not worthy of any attention from women, but how can my wife want to stay with me? <Sigh>

simplydevastated posted 4/19/2013 06:27 AM

Absolutely!

I feel like this every day. I have always had insecurities about my appearance and his cheating didn't help. Even his checking out other women while we're out together doesn't help. I'm just not enough for him- not thin enough, pretty enough, my chest isn't big enough, my butt isn't tight enough. I'm not gorgeous "model" type that most men (sorry, not trying to generalize) want.

I've been battling a depression over his cheating that, as of recently, lead me to a dark place.

But try to keep something in mind. I've said this before to another poster- sexy is a state of mind. You can take the most gorgeous man or woman and listen to the hateful things they say and that makes them ugly. Then, take someone, who by society's standard is average looking who is kind and compassionate and, to me, that makes them sexy.

Don't let infidelity define you. Try to see passed everything else and see who you are as a person.

I hope my rantings helped some.

Post often, it helps.

(((hugs)))

Notgwen posted 4/19/2013 07:21 AM

Everyday!

I just lost 30 lbs (before I found out about the OW) but I still feel out of shape and fat. He told me the girl was "young". Yeah, way to twist the knife!

I was even suicidal for a bit. Got myself to the doctor pronto.

When someone rips the rug out from under you I suppose it is natural to start questioning EVERYTHING.

Hang in there.

FightingChance posted 4/19/2013 07:29 AM

I feel this way quite a bit. Unfortunately, these are my feelings and not something I can just shut off. The whole A was a total shock to me and I was stunned that my WH - who didn't even want sex very often with me - was having sex with someone else. Here I was getting resentful because he never wanted it and he was sharing it with someone else?

My WH is a normal average guy and I am a normal, average attractive woman. However - and this is going to sound very elitist - I'm definitely a social class ahead of him in terms of my job, my education, my demeanor, etc. I don't mean to say he's low class, but he does run a restaurant and that means he engages in discriminatory behaviors that disgust me at times. When we first met he had long hair that was reminiscent of a 1970s porn star that I detested. He dressed like a 1980s time-warp victim. He was pierced and tattooed. I on the other hand am usually well put together, understated makeup, work in a professional job, have more refined tastes than he did. I wasn't discriminatory though and once we started talking and dating I fell in love with him.

Then when I discovered the A, the first thing I thought was "trashy". Then I saw the MOW and thought - wtf? she was not an attractive woman, what did he see in her. She was pierced repeatedly, she was tattooed more than anyone I've known. She was married with a kid. They dated and brought their children with them.

THEN the insecurity kicked in. Why? Why did he want to be with her? Why wasn't I enough of a woman for him to want to leave her? What did she have that I didn't have? It was horrible, and in my darkest days, I still go to that place, even 16 months out. I just don't understand it and never will.

((Rakerblade)) - it isn't about us, it is about them, and how broken they are. No matter what, it is about them.

tushnurse posted 4/19/2013 07:58 AM

This is perfectly normal. Your self esteem takes a big hit, and for many of us it takes a while to regain it.

Things to remember when you are having these moments. She didn't do this because you may be overweight, or have bad teeth. She did this because something is broken in her. If she tells you otherwise she is not getting it. There is something broken in Waywards. That is what allows them to make the decisions they make. Usually the AP makes them feel wonderful, a lot of ego stroking, and escape from the reality of life.

Think of the positive things about yourself when you start to feel down. That you are a good man, and whatever wonderful things you have done with your life.

When you start to heal from this your self esteem issues will improve, and you will realize you are a stronger, better person than before. It's just how it goes.
It also made me look at life with less reservation, like what do I have to loose. I have done things I never would have attempted pre A. I know I am pretty danged awesome now too.

((((and strength)))))

SoVerySadNow posted 4/19/2013 08:01 AM

True for me. And anxiety about my WH's A brings the insecurities front and center.
It's not us, it's them---yeah. I can see this logically. But it's hard to wrap my head around that and my heart will never understand.
((((Rakerblade))))

broken313 posted 4/19/2013 08:03 AM

Rakerblade, i feel the same way, we all have insecurities and when an A happens you obsess about Your own hang ups. I' m trying desperately to shut down my brain when i have a negative thought about myself, you should try this too.

I have tried to get my cheating spouse to describe his OW and now he seems to have woken up from his fog, he cant tell me what he ever saw in her. When he fancied himself in love, clearly she was sexy to him. What bothers me is how he allowed himself to fantasise in the first place.

keptmypromise posted 4/19/2013 08:10 AM

Rakerblade...It is a natural reaction to feel unworthy. Betrayal does that. But please keep in mind that I an 6'2, physically fit, have nice teeth, great hygine and still felt like there was something wrong with me. When you are rejected, its a natural response. What you need to do is take care of these things for YOU, not her. You can start a workout regiment (and you should do this for your own health and self-esteem, not her). Go to a dentist, and invest to improve your smile, or whatever you need to do...but do it for YOU. Cheaters always have excuses as to why they cheated, and whether her dissatisfaction with your looks added to it, it is her lack of character, her inability to accept boundries...oh, yes, she is a liar too. In all marriages, as a part of a successful relationship, both men and women should work hard at keeping themselves fit, and want to keep their themselves looking good...FOR THEIR SPOUSE. Communicate your feeling with your wife as your decide where you are going with the marriage. It has been said on here a million times...you are resposible for 50% of the problems in the marriage, she is 100% responsible for the lying and cheating.

Phoenix1 posted 4/19/2013 12:55 PM

I feel it constantly, but I make a concerted to stop the thought process and remember that it was HIM that has the characters flaws, and HE is not worthy of me! Beauty is found on the inside, and anyone who says differently is superficial. My POS is an attractive man, but he is ugly to the bone in my eyes now. This situation has really brought home to me that character is what truly counts, not the physical trappings it is wrapped up in. Hang in there!

27yearsnowlost posted 4/19/2013 13:02 PM

Well at least I not crazy....there other people feeling the same way.

LA44 posted 4/19/2013 13:09 PM

Great advice KeptMyPromise!

HUG TO YOU! If you want to improve your health and your teeth Rakeblade, that is all in your control. As Glenda the Good Witch says to Dorthy, "you've always had the power."

But the A is hers to own. And that's an ugly thing to have to own if you ask me.

Stand tall Rakerblade!

Tearsoflove posted 4/19/2013 13:16 PM

I'm sure Sandra Bullock went through the whole "What is wrong with me" thing when Jesse James cheated. We all do it. We wonder if it would have happened if we'd been thinner, prettier, sexier, happier, more successful, etc., etc., etc. It would have happened anyway because it wasn't about who we weren't, it's about who our spouses were.

On the other side of the coin, there is also the natural comparison of ourselves to the OP. And again, it wasn't because of who we weren't (or were). In most cases, the OP could have been anyone who met all the right requirements for stroking our WS's ego. Comparing ourselves to them is like fresh apples to rotten oranges.

If you are unhappy with aspects of yourself, change it for you. See a dentist, change your diet, etc. If it makes you feel better about yourself, by all means, go crazy. Just understand that improving yourself does nothing to fix what's broken in your spouse that allowed her to cheat.

simpleguy78 posted 4/20/2013 05:50 AM

so so so many women in the world.it's all about finding your self esteem.i'm a fat bastard 5'11 250.not much 2 look at.my ww is super hot.i'll take trust and happiness over looks and good sex.just saying.a normal thinking woman just wants to be loved and secure.they're everywhere all shapes and sizes

Laura28 posted 4/20/2013 06:34 AM

Hi honey

I am a fraction under 6'. When I was 19 I was offered a modelling contract. I won a beach girl competition at 21.

I married FWH when I was 26. I actually thought he wasn't good looking. That didn't matter to me. I thought he was genuine - unlike the many good looking men I had dated before.

Looks are not important. It is what is in your soul that counts. Having said that you obviously have some concerns about your physical appearance. So address them. Focus on you. This is great for healing. If you feel like you look better you will feel better about yourself.

Prior to dday I had gained a little weight. I used to think "I am over 50 - what do you expect?". After dday I lost 30 lbs (infidelity diet) , improved my appearance and wardrobe and haven't felt so good about myself in years. I made a conscious effort to keep the weight off. People comment that I look 20 years younger. I now wear the same size clothes as my 26 year old daughter.

Do it for you. Not her. For you.

Make this a project. It has enormous benefits including taking your mind off the crap you are dealing with.

HUGS

Laura

Rakerblade posted 4/25/2013 18:15 PM

I really want to thank Laura28 and all of you for the advice.
I am interested in losing weight and improving my overall self-image, but having a very hard time getting motivated to do so... my depression and apathetic feelings are constantly weighing me down and making me question "why?... Why improve my look, why put in the effort, why care about any of it... if she doesn't care enough about me to say no to them, then "f**k it, just coast... go to work, raise the kids, and someday she'll be honest about not finding me attractive and leave." I've told her many times, and I truely beleive, that she is/was my only shot at a happy life... and now that that idea has been tarnished... I have nothing happy to look forward to...
Thank again for your comments and support.

Stangfreak posted 4/25/2013 18:28 PM

I am so sorry you are dealing with these issues. They suck. I feel physically repulsive, somewhere between Jabba the Hutt mixed with Fat Amy (who is actually really pretty) from Pitch Perfect. Not only that but I feel like I have the sexual prowess of a monkey humping a tree.

It is a fight, and after seeing OWs tragic DUI picture, I feel even more repulsive. But know this: WS would screw anything to feel good about themselves. It is literally not about you in the least and all about who makes THEM feel good and who feeds THEIR narcissistic need for attention, regardless of what OP looks like. My WS has yet to find an attractive AP and it really isn't about looks. It is about their desperate need for attention.

To quote a post I saw, they ALWAYS affair down. Be kind to yourself. Go for a walk. Do something that requires physical activity to release endorphins, even if it is something so simple as cleaning. You will feel better.

Brokenheart777 posted 4/25/2013 19:03 PM

As everyone has already said, this is par for the course. I too have always been very confident. 31, 10 years in the military, happy with my looks and have often had to turn down advances of women. What my WGF did to me makes me feel worthless quite often. If she didn't appreciate my looks or personality enough to stay faithful, where's my worth?

I know exactly what you are feeling Rakerblade. I know that the issue lies in her, and not me and sometimes even when I remind myself of this it does little to offer comfort.

They strayed from those they were supposed to love unconditionally, they sinned, and they damaged their character. You were just collateral damage of someone elses broken thinking. Hold your head up and know that your feelings are normal and others are right there with you.

stupidgirlme posted 4/25/2013 20:12 PM

I hope you can see by all the other comments that what you are feeling is os perfectly normal. Don't let her make you beat yourself up!

This is NOT about looks or age. It's about being selfish and only thinking of herself, not the one qho she should care for the very most in life.

So sorry you are having to deal with this!!!

Can you get to a doctor to look into some meds for the depression? That should help a lot.

Changed72 posted 4/25/2013 21:23 PM

First off, sorry your here Rakerblade.

Believe me, looks don't matter. I've never had a problem with women being attracted to me. But the woman I married, the one I wanted always, strayed, twice!!! WTF...

My self worth has taking a huge hit. I've never been depressed in my life. Now I'm in therapy, trying to figure out how to get back my life on track. My emotions were uncontrollable, sad to worse.
I say were, because I'm starting to feel better now. Nowhere near where I was, but on my way.

One thing my therapist wants to me to be sure of is this...

That I will be ok, with, or without her.

Once you realize that, it won't matter how you look, or how much money you have, you will be fine.