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Newest Member: ChrissyMc (61787)

User Topic: Any BS ever feel unworthy?
♂ 37953
Member # 37953
Sad  Posted: 6:06 AM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all,

In addition to my anxiety about an upcoming trip for work (see my other post) I have something else I'd like to hear some feedback on.

For the last month or so I have had periods of time (a morning, afternoon, maybe a day here and there) where I have strong periods of depression, focused mainly on my feelings of insecurity/unworthiness as a man and husband.
I'm slightly overweight, and I'm also 15 years older than my wife, and I am genetically pre-disposed to having poor dental health.
When my mind adds all that up I see "the old fat guy with f**ked up teeth"... which makes me feel that not only am I not worthy of any attention from women, but how can my wife want to stay with me? <Sigh>

BS(me): 45
WS(her): 30
Married: Aug. 18, 2007
D-day: Dec. 30, 2012
2nd (mini) D-Day: Jan. 9, 2013
3 month sex only PA w/ 2 men (she says)
2 kids from my first marriage live with us (16g, 12b), I am raising her little girl (8) as my own.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Michigan
♀ 25001
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I feel like this every day. I have always had insecurities about my appearance and his cheating didn't help. Even his checking out other women while we're out together doesn't help. I'm just not enough for him- not thin enough, pretty enough, my chest isn't big enough, my butt isn't tight enough. I'm not gorgeous "model" type that most men (sorry, not trying to generalize) want.

I've been battling a depression over his cheating that, as of recently, lead me to a dark place.

But try to keep something in mind. I've said this before to another poster- sexy is a state of mind. You can take the most gorgeous man or woman and listen to the hateful things they say and that makes them ugly. Then, take someone, who by society's standard is average looking who is kind and compassionate and, to me, that makes them sexy.

Don't let infidelity define you. Try to see passed everything else and see who you are as a person.

I hope my rantings helped some.

Post often, it helps.


Me - BS, 40 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS11, DD8
Getting my ducks in a row for divorce... finally (4+ D-Days too many - listed in profile.)

Posts: 6121 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
♀ 38838
Member # 38838
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I just lost 30 lbs (before I found out about the OW) but I still feel out of shape and fat. He told me the girl was "young". Yeah, way to twist the knife!

I was even suicidal for a bit. Got myself to the doctor pronto.

When someone rips the rug out from under you I suppose it is natural to start questioning EVERYTHING.

Hang in there.

Me: 44
WH: 50
D day 03.20.13
Married 25 years.
4 children; 6 between us

Posts: 32 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Pa
♀ 34740
Member # 34740
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel this way quite a bit. Unfortunately, these are my feelings and not something I can just shut off. The whole A was a total shock to me and I was stunned that my WH - who didn't even want sex very often with me - was having sex with someone else. Here I was getting resentful because he never wanted it and he was sharing it with someone else?

My WH is a normal average guy and I am a normal, average attractive woman. However - and this is going to sound very elitist - I'm definitely a social class ahead of him in terms of my job, my education, my demeanor, etc. I don't mean to say he's low class, but he does run a restaurant and that means he engages in discriminatory behaviors that disgust me at times. When we first met he had long hair that was reminiscent of a 1970s porn star that I detested. He dressed like a 1980s time-warp victim. He was pierced and tattooed. I on the other hand am usually well put together, understated makeup, work in a professional job, have more refined tastes than he did. I wasn't discriminatory though and once we started talking and dating I fell in love with him.

Then when I discovered the A, the first thing I thought was "trashy". Then I saw the MOW and thought - wtf? she was not an attractive woman, what did he see in her. She was pierced repeatedly, she was tattooed more than anyone I've known. She was married with a kid. They dated and brought their children with them.

THEN the insecurity kicked in. Why? Why did he want to be with her? Why wasn't I enough of a woman for him to want to leave her? What did she have that I didn't have? It was horrible, and in my darkest days, I still go to that place, even 16 months out. I just don't understand it and never will.

((Rakerblade)) - it isn't about us, it is about them, and how broken they are. No matter what, it is about them.

D-Day#1 - Dec. 8, 2011 - found the receipt
D-Day#2 - Dec. 28, 2011 - found the phone logs
D-Day#3 - Jan. 6, 2012 - admitted to PA
3 amazing sons - 13DS, 13SS, 11SS
in R

Posts: 762 | Registered: Feb 2012
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is perfectly normal. Your self esteem takes a big hit, and for many of us it takes a while to regain it.

Things to remember when you are having these moments. She didn't do this because you may be overweight, or have bad teeth. She did this because something is broken in her. If she tells you otherwise she is not getting it. There is something broken in Waywards. That is what allows them to make the decisions they make. Usually the AP makes them feel wonderful, a lot of ego stroking, and escape from the reality of life.

Think of the positive things about yourself when you start to feel down. That you are a good man, and whatever wonderful things you have done with your life.

When you start to heal from this your self esteem issues will improve, and you will realize you are a stronger, better person than before. It's just how it goes.
It also made me look at life with less reservation, like what do I have to loose. I have done things I never would have attempted pre A. I know I am pretty danged awesome now too.

((((and strength)))))

Him: FWS
Kids: 18 & 20
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 13404 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♀ 36711
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

True for me. And anxiety about my WH's A brings the insecurities front and center.
It's not us, it's them---yeah. I can see this logically. But it's hard to wrap my head around that and my heart will never understand.

D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
♀ 39006
Member # 39006
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rakerblade, i feel the same way, we all have insecurities and when an A happens you obsess about Your own hang ups. I' m trying desperately to shut down my brain when i have a negative thought about myself, you should try this too.

I have tried to get my cheating spouse to describe his OW and now he seems to have woken up from his fog, he cant tell me what he ever saw in her. When he fancied himself in love, clearly she was sexy to him. What bothers me is how he allowed himself to fantasise in the first place.

Me 42
FWH 39
3 kids, 13,8,6
Dday 3/30/13
R- fragile

Posts: 118 | Registered: Apr 2013
♂ 36178
Member # 36178
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rakerblade...It is a natural reaction to feel unworthy. Betrayal does that. But please keep in mind that I an 6'2, physically fit, have nice teeth, great hygine and still felt like there was something wrong with me. When you are rejected, its a natural response. What you need to do is take care of these things for YOU, not her. You can start a workout regiment (and you should do this for your own health and self-esteem, not her). Go to a dentist, and invest to improve your smile, or whatever you need to do...but do it for YOU. Cheaters always have excuses as to why they cheated, and whether her dissatisfaction with your looks added to it, it is her lack of character, her inability to accept boundries...oh, yes, she is a liar too. In all marriages, as a part of a successful relationship, both men and women should work hard at keeping themselves fit, and want to keep their themselves looking good...FOR THEIR SPOUSE. Communicate your feeling with your wife as your decide where you are going with the marriage. It has been said on here a million are resposible for 50% of the problems in the marriage, she is 100% responsible for the lying and cheating.

Me - BH 54 years
Her - WS 46 years
DD - 6/13/11 (2 total that i know of)
DD - 14
DD - 11
In R...The long and Winding Road

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Ohio
♀ 38928
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel it constantly, but I make a concerted to stop the thought process and remember that it was HIM that has the characters flaws, and HE is not worthy of me! Beauty is found on the inside, and anyone who says differently is superficial. My POS is an attractive man, but he is ugly to the bone in my eyes now. This situation has really brought home to me that character is what truly counts, not the physical trappings it is wrapped up in. Hang in there!

BS - Me
Xhole - Multiple LTAs/2 OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - 2 adult DDs - DS20 Deceased
Happily divorced!

~Indifference - Because some people do not deserve your emotions.~

I edit often because my tablet is possessed!

Posts: 5081 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Land of Indifference
♀ 38787
Member # 38787
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well at least I not crazy....there other people feeling the same way.

Bw (me) 47
WH (him) 59
D day 3/7/2013
Married 26 together 28
2 adult sons 25 and 22

Posts: 167 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: nj
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great advice KeptMyPromise!

HUG TO YOU! If you want to improve your health and your teeth Rakeblade, that is all in your control. As Glenda the Good Witch says to Dorthy, "you've always had the power."

But the A is hers to own. And that's an ugly thing to have to own if you ask me.

Stand tall Rakerblade!

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 3439 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
♀ 8271
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure Sandra Bullock went through the whole "What is wrong with me" thing when Jesse James cheated. We all do it. We wonder if it would have happened if we'd been thinner, prettier, sexier, happier, more successful, etc., etc., etc. It would have happened anyway because it wasn't about who we weren't, it's about who our spouses were.

On the other side of the coin, there is also the natural comparison of ourselves to the OP. And again, it wasn't because of who we weren't (or were). In most cases, the OP could have been anyone who met all the right requirements for stroking our WS's ego. Comparing ourselves to them is like fresh apples to rotten oranges.

If you are unhappy with aspects of yourself, change it for you. See a dentist, change your diet, etc. If it makes you feel better about yourself, by all means, go crazy. Just understand that improving yourself does nothing to fix what's broken in your spouse that allowed her to cheat.

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson

Posts: 6063 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Southeast
♂ 25753
Member # 25753
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, April 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so so so many women in the's all about finding your self esteem.i'm a fat bastard 5'11 250.not much 2 look ww is super hot.i'll take trust and happiness over looks and good sex.just saying.a normal thinking woman just wants to be loved and secure.they're everywhere all shapes and sizes

If i can do it anyone can .My hpd wife was my only friend for 13 years....don't let the fear of being alone ruin your life....people will come ray

Posts: 77 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: memphis,TN
♀ 28997
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, April 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi honey

I am a fraction under 6'. When I was 19 I was offered a modelling contract. I won a beach girl competition at 21.

I married FWH when I was 26. I actually thought he wasn't good looking. That didn't matter to me. I thought he was genuine - unlike the many good looking men I had dated before.

Looks are not important. It is what is in your soul that counts. Having said that you obviously have some concerns about your physical appearance. So address them. Focus on you. This is great for healing. If you feel like you look better you will feel better about yourself.

Prior to dday I had gained a little weight. I used to think "I am over 50 - what do you expect?". After dday I lost 30 lbs (infidelity diet) , improved my appearance and wardrobe and haven't felt so good about myself in years. I made a conscious effort to keep the weight off. People comment that I look 20 years younger. I now wear the same size clothes as my 26 year old daughter.

Do it for you. Not her. For you.

Make this a project. It has enormous benefits including taking your mind off the crap you are dealing with.



Married 33yrs Me BW 59Yrs Him FWH 62yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2772 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
♂ 37953
Member # 37953
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really want to thank Laura28 and all of you for the advice.
I am interested in losing weight and improving my overall self-image, but having a very hard time getting motivated to do so... my depression and apathetic feelings are constantly weighing me down and making me question "why?... Why improve my look, why put in the effort, why care about any of it... if she doesn't care enough about me to say no to them, then "f**k it, just coast... go to work, raise the kids, and someday she'll be honest about not finding me attractive and leave." I've told her many times, and I truely beleive, that she is/was my only shot at a happy life... and now that that idea has been tarnished... I have nothing happy to look forward to...
Thank again for your comments and support.

BS(me): 45
WS(her): 30
Married: Aug. 18, 2007
D-day: Dec. 30, 2012
2nd (mini) D-Day: Jan. 9, 2013
3 month sex only PA w/ 2 men (she says)
2 kids from my first marriage live with us (16g, 12b), I am raising her little girl (8) as my own.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Michigan
♀ 35157
Member # 35157
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry you are dealing with these issues. They suck. I feel physically repulsive, somewhere between Jabba the Hutt mixed with Fat Amy (who is actually really pretty) from Pitch Perfect. Not only that but I feel like I have the sexual prowess of a monkey humping a tree.

It is a fight, and after seeing OWs tragic DUI picture, I feel even more repulsive. But know this: WS would screw anything to feel good about themselves. It is literally not about you in the least and all about who makes THEM feel good and who feeds THEIR narcissistic need for attention, regardless of what OP looks like. My WS has yet to find an attractive AP and it really isn't about looks. It is about their desperate need for attention.

To quote a post I saw, they ALWAYS affair down. Be kind to yourself. Go for a walk. Do something that requires physical activity to release endorphins, even if it is something so simple as cleaning. You will feel better.

"Some glad morning when this life is o'er, I'll fly away.
To a home on God's celestial shore, I'll fly away.
I'll fly away, oh glory, I'll fly away (IN THE MORNING!)
When I die, hallelujah by and by, I'll fly away!"

Posts: 85 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Alabama
♂ 38561
Member # 38561
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As everyone has already said, this is par for the course. I too have always been very confident. 31, 10 years in the military, happy with my looks and have often had to turn down advances of women. What my WGF did to me makes me feel worthless quite often. If she didn't appreciate my looks or personality enough to stay faithful, where's my worth?

I know exactly what you are feeling Rakerblade. I know that the issue lies in her, and not me and sometimes even when I remind myself of this it does little to offer comfort.

They strayed from those they were supposed to love unconditionally, they sinned, and they damaged their character. You were just collateral damage of someone elses broken thinking. Hold your head up and know that your feelings are normal and others are right there with you.

ME - A new person
HER - A waining memory
DDay - 2/22/2013
2-3 month EA/PA
Together for 6 years, ready to start my life . . .

"I can fill the flask up, but can't get past us
I'm in the storm, staying strong, but can't get back

Posts: 177 | Registered: Feb 2013
♀ 38778
Member # 38778
What?  Posted: 8:12 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope you can see by all the other comments that what you are feeling is os perfectly normal. Don't let her make you beat yourself up!

This is NOT about looks or age. It's about being selfish and only thinking of herself, not the one qho she should care for the very most in life.

So sorry you are having to deal with this!!!

Can you get to a doctor to look into some meds for the depression? That should help a lot.

~~I love listening to lies when I know the truth~~

Posts: 47 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Florida
♂ 38723
Member # 38723
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First off, sorry your here Rakerblade.

Believe me, looks don't matter. I've never had a problem with women being attracted to me. But the woman I married, the one I wanted always, strayed, twice!!! WTF...

My self worth has taking a huge hit. I've never been depressed in my life. Now I'm in therapy, trying to figure out how to get back my life on track. My emotions were uncontrollable, sad to worse.
I say were, because I'm starting to feel better now. Nowhere near where I was, but on my way.

One thing my therapist wants to me to be sure of is this...

That I will be ok, with, or without her.

Once you realize that, it won't matter how you look, or how much money you have, you will be fine.

Married 15 years
1 DD13
DDay 3-2-13
Working on R

Posts: 72 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 19

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