someone posted this on one of my threads from about 6 months ago, and I have no idea who, but it has been the most truthful representative of what the BS is facing and I so appreciated the post:
One of the most difficult tasks a BS faces is understanding that life is changed forever. Followed by the equally difficult task of coming to terms with the fact that life has changed forever. What I mean is this: the affair happened and is never going away. It is now a part of your life history and it always will be. Its consequences include you have a different outlook on life that you had before. Probably more cynical; less trusting; perhaps more detaches and more assertive towards your own needs. You have become the new you. Perhaps not the “you” that was desired, but you are what you are now.
So the healing—and coping during healing—will involve coming to understand and accept the changes in you and in the life you will have going forward. You will simultaneously be happy with progress you make and royally pissed off that you have been thrown into a position of having to be different and “make progress.”
Making progress will require that you learn how to let the past go and let it not control, or even carry some power over, your present and your future. You will come to see that you must live your life in a way that please you rather than making decisions based on what has happened in the past. You may never get to 100% of being able to do that. To be honest, I am not at 100% - there is always the little demon locked up in the back of my head that tries to get out and cause a problem every once in a while. But you can, and will, get close to the “100% - it is all just history and doesn’t affect me now” level eventually.
A dilemma along the road is figuring out what actions/decisions/reactions are realistic and fair for you to have and which ones are being driven still by the A and aren’t necessarily fair or correct. It certainly is not unreasonable to want to never have to see the OW or be reminded of her. Feeling uncomfortable is part of the change of your life. Unwanted, unwelcome, unfair – but a fact that you will have to live with as you adjust to your new life.
[This message edited by rachelc at 9:16 AM, April 19th (Friday)]