In my situation I want ALL the answers... unfortunately there are some things fWH doesn't remember (I'm trying to believe that he genuinely doesn't remember, sometimes I think he is just trying to protect me/himself by saying he doesn't remember)
If you are comfortable with letting some questions go then IMO that's fine. I think it was Sisoon who replied on another thread, something to the effect of: if you don't want to know, then that is fine but if you fear knowing, then that is something that needs to be explored (he put it way more eloquently!)
.I do not think the answer would help me heal.
If that is true, then don't ask.
This has been so hard for me. I am closely related to the feline that curiosity killed. And not like a second cousin twice removed...more like a twin sister.
I am dying to ask about the sex. But I think if I knew it would make our intimate life even harder. As in practically impossible. So I don't ask. Maybe someday if/when we are much much stronger.
I received some advice from another BW early on. She had asked and found out OW was a "moaner". So, now and forever she feels compelled to be silent in bed lest she be anything like OW.
Before you ask a question, imagine if the answer he gave you would be your worst fear. Decide if you could handle it and use that to decide if you should ask.
At first I completely didn't want to know, as she was confessing I was like "stop stop stop!!!!!" But then...I don't know what happened in my head but I needed to know everything and I mean EVERYTHING!!
In some way it did make it better because I know what didn't happen- you know what I mean? My mind movies could then be cut and edited to not include some stuff that I'd imagined- It did turn the things I was right about into High Definition widescreen with Dolby Surround Sound though. So in some respects I'm glad I asked, in others I wish I hadn't.
I'm sorry that's probably not a helpful reply!
Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.
I also really feel that verbalizing what you've done wrong creates a sense of ownership that "stuffing" it doesn't. I wanted him to take that full ownership and see the weight of his actions. I don't know how he could have done that if he didn't say them out loud to me. But I think IC would be a place to do this, group therapy, etc.
It just seems that letting elements of the A reside in the WS' brain alone, percolating, etc. would be dangerous. But that is just my opinion and YOU come first. If it wouldn't work for you to hear these things, then that's what matters most.
I know for me, I have spent my whole life "letting it go", it is so ingrained in me that I do not even see how much I let go until much later in life and it is to a point that it is to my detriment imo at this stage for me.
Due to my own issues in this area, I NEED any and all questions answered if possible not only for the answers, but for me to stretch myself, to honor this need and not just shove it down by "letting go" (not saying letting go is shoving it down for others, just for me, that is how I roll apparently )
My biggest advice in this area is to HONOR yourself, honor what YOU need and if you do not think it would help then honor that.
Some mention the willingness on a FWH's part to answer questions and I do agree that that is important. And I think part of the reason I was able to stop asking was because I had that knowledge- that he would answer anything.
Me- BW, 30
Him- fWh, 36
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August 2013
Today is the first day of the rest of your life! - It's an oldie but a goodie
For me, I NEEDED to know everything. Maybe my reasons are different, though? For me, it made it seem more 'human' and 'real', and allowed me to try to empathize with my WW. Also, for me, the TRUTH is usually much less 'sexy' than what I envision. Especially once I was able to see pictures of the OM (he is pretty unattractive and sleazy-looking; not that I'm the cat's meow or anything, but he's a good 4.5/10 (yes, I used a decimal)..!), and learn about what he does (he 'gambles' for a living, and likely sells drugs to supplement his income), and where he lives (I think he lives on a friend's parents couch at the moment). Once all this came out in a Q&A session with my WW (more like 10 Q&A sessions), I was able to really put it into perspective, and I truly don't feel like he can hold a candle to me in ANY respect, unless it's a race to the bottom, then he takes the cake all the way.
So maybe think of it that way - it is likely MUCH less 'sexier' and 'cool' than you think in your head.
But, before I asked, I thought about it alot and I was not emotional at all. I think it hurt him more to say these things outloud than it hurt me. They sounded really stupid and he knew it!
But now I find myself wondering things that I'm not sure I should know the answers to. You know - specific things they did when in bed together - the real gory details of it all. On one hand I think that knowing every detail evens the score - like there are no more secrets there, everything that was intimate between them will be gone because I KNOW. But on the other hand, what if the answers cause me further pain? And unfortunately I don't know if they will until I actually get the answers...