SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

VindicatedMe posted 4/19/2013 09:26 AM

I'll try to keep this short.

We've been married almost 10 yrs. I'm 33 a stay at home mom, he is almost 47. I'm his 2nd wife. Our 4 kids: 9, 6.5, almost 5, and 2.5. Confirmation of my suspicions last Saturday morning. Husband having an intense affair with a subordinate at work for the last 2-4 months. Sunday morning he loves her and can't leave her. Sunday afternoon he loves his family and can't leave us. Tuesday morning he was forced to resign his position at work. He was a stellar leader and even though fraternization is against company policy, MANY other affairs have been covered up within. We were very shocked that he was forced out. My children and I will have to relocate no matter what happens to the marriage. So in the last week: I find out he's in love with another woman, wants to leave me, then wants to stay with me, then he loses his job and my children lose their health insurance. OW is still contacting him and wants him to leave me. He is swearing he is sorry and wants to seek counseling. We already went individually Tues and Wed.

There is so much more in between the lines. It would take forever to put it out there. I'm just in a rollercoaster of hate and love, anger and sadness. Hell, even happy that he is with me even though I don't believe an effin' word out of his mouth.

hopingforhappy posted 4/19/2013 09:45 AM

(((VindicatedMe))) Welcome to SI. I am so glad that you found us. Many of us here have been just were you are. My FWH lost his job as a result of his A. It just adds even more stress and uncertainty to your already bad situation. The good news is that you will make it through this. The fact that he is no longer working with her is a positive for you both.

Read the Healing Library and keep posting! You will find lots of support here.

VindicatedMe posted 4/19/2013 10:06 AM

Thank you.

I have been reading...not sure if any of it helps my already swirling and crazy thoughts.

hopingforhappy posted 4/19/2013 10:12 AM

You don't need to make any decisions about the M right now. In fact, it is a good idea not to make decisions about anything until you have had a chance to get your bearings in this situation. What you do need to do right now is insist that your WH go NC with OW immediately. There is information in the Healing Library re NC letters. Send the letter together and then block her on phone, e-mail, FB--whatever way she is using to contact.

BaldwinBeauty59 posted 4/19/2013 10:25 AM

(((VindicatedMe))) Sorry that you have had to join this club. Your emotions will be all over the place for a long time. Did your WH cheat in prior relationships? Is this his character or is this a first time A ever? If he has a history of cheating, you might want to consider cutting your loses now as you have to start over anyway. If not and you feel you can forgive him and get past the betrayal, then it will take a lot of hard work on both your parts to successfully R your M. He has to be truly remorseful, own his behavior and not blameshift on to you, have NC with the OW forever, go to IC to find out his why's and fix them so he never cheats again. Whichever path you choose, you still have to heal from this betrayal. You have to go through it no matter if he is in your life or not.

If your WH wants to stay in the M and R with you, he needs to send her a NC letter or email that you approve of and he needs to do it in front of you. Shut down or block her on his FB or other social sites, change his email address and his phone number so she cannot get in touch with him. Please, both of you go get tested for STD's. Give him a list of your requirements in order to R with him. Don't let him manipulate or guilt you into doing things his way. You might consider moving away also so that you do not have to go through the trauma of seeing her in public.

Did OW lose her job too? Since it was consensual and he was let go, I am thinking she should have been fired as well. If she has a BH, then out the A to him. He deserves to know.

VindicatedMe posted 4/19/2013 10:58 AM

This is his first affair. I am certain of that. He is not being manipulative of me in any way right now. He's not blaming me at ALL, even though I take full responsibility for my part in the degradation of our relationship. He is stepping up with the kids and taking care of things around the house so I can have time to process. Our communication has improved tremendously in this week...we even had 4 awesome days of what I believe is called "hysterical bonding." The fact that he had sex with her doesn't bother me. It's that he hid it.

She has also been "forced" out of her job. He has told her "goodbye," but since she is still attempting contact, I don't think it was firm enough. After all, she believed he was going to leave me for her. She must be hurting too and therefore needs a resounding and firm "it's OVER" in order for her to move on.

I have already made my decision about what do. I am uncertain of the outcome, but there is never any guarantee, right?

Skan posted 4/19/2013 12:16 PM

He's not blaming me at ALL, even though I take full responsibility for my part in the degradation of our relationship.

Please make sure that you (and he) understand that while everyone has problems in their marriage, sometimes truly horrific problems, the decision to have an A with someone else is All On That Person. It was a decision they made over other, healthier, moral decisions like leaving the marriage, talking to an counciler, etc. The A is 100% on him. Marriage problems are divided among the two of you.

I would try one more NC letter sent from the two of you saying something like "OW, my decision to have an affair with you was the worse decision that I've ever made in my life. I never want to see or hear from you again. I love my wife and family and I am 100% committed to them. If you continue to harass me and my family,I will pursue a RO against you. signature" Keep a copy, block all electronic access, and if she trys and gets thru again, file a complaint. But crickets to her after that.

(((hugs))) Keep coming back for support. I'm so sorry that you have the reason to come find us, but so glad that you did find us.

VindicatedMe posted 4/19/2013 12:28 PM

Skan, I absolutely understand that, as does he. Why would I blame myself for him having an affair? There is no common sense to that.

I will try to keep posting, but I'm starting to wonder if I might have made a mistake by coming here. I am not in a hostile place regarding the affair and I don't want to respond that way to it. If anything I am understanding about it, therefore "surviving" it, might be the wrong way for me to look at it.

Getting to Happy posted 4/19/2013 12:54 PM

I am not in a hostile place regarding the affair and I don't want to respond that way to it. If anything I am understanding about it, therefore "surviving" it, might be the wrong way for me to look at it.

Hey, no pressure to be hostile to your WH regarding the A with his co-worker.

Reconciling and understanding the new dynamic in your marriage is really favored on this site.

No one wants you to break up your family. There is so much more to a marriage than a husband and wife... children often suffer from the infidelity as well as the whole paradigm of the union, like finances, homes, jobs...as you are realizing in your own situation.

Let us know how you feel in a couple of weeks...we are here to help.

We have BTDT and have been down this road that you are about to embark on with your family in tow. If you need us, we are listening and we care.

[This message edited by Getting to Happy at 12:55 PM, April 19th (Friday)]

Tearsoflove posted 4/19/2013 13:32 PM

Vindicated,

I think it's admirable that you have compassion about the affair. With my husband's first affair, I was pretty understanding because of the circumstances under which it happened and because it was uncharacteristic of him.

I may have been too understanding, however. 7 years later, and when I was certain he'd never put me through that again, he had a second affair that nearly gutted me.

With a lot of work, we figured out that we hadn't really done the work to find out why it happened the first time and how to prevent it a second time. After the second affair, he spent a lot more time on introspection to understand what allowed him to justify having an affair and why he felt so entitled. We implemented boundaries with people who aren't friends of our marriage and I feel very strongly that he's sticking to them. In addition, I know what the consequences will be of another lapse in judgment so I feel fairly free to trust again.

I imagine this is a very heavy weight for your husband given the loss of his job. The consequences of having an affair are often devastating in many ways. I'm sure if most of our WSes had actually considered the fallout from their affairs, they wouldn't have engaged in the first place.

The fact that you are understanding will make it easier for your WS to talk to you about where he was in his head that lead to the affair. It's very hard to talk to someone who is losing it so you have an advantage there if you are planning to reconcile and move forward. No contact with the OP is essential for all of you if that is the plan. There are several reasons for this:

1. Every contact your WS has with the OP starts the withdrawal process over for him. He will have a harder time letting her go if there is continued contact.

2. The same thing is happening with the OP. And if your husband isn't planning to be with her, it's not fair for him to continue having contact and keeping that hope alive for her. Ending the relationship completely will allow her to process through her own withdrawal and begin to heal faster. Continued contact will be like reopening the wound repeatedly.

3. Your own healing will be better if there is no contact. Although you are very understanding, I'm sure this is still very painful for you. Continued contact will only add to that.

As for leaving the forum, there is no need to do that unless you truly want to. We have all scenarios here. Yes, some situations cannot include reconciliation but we have many, many that do, including my own. Whether you choose to be understanding and reconcile and outraged and possibly divorce, you're going to get support here and advice that will help you succeed at whatever you set out to do. Without the support of those who have "been there, done that", you will likely be learning every lesson the hard way and your (and your spouse's) recovery will take that much longer. Whatever you decide, I'm sorry you're going through this and wish you the best possible outcome.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 1:34 PM, April 19th (Friday)]

tushnurse posted 4/19/2013 13:59 PM

Welcome to the club no one wants to join. Please do not feel there is judgement here. We all come from a different place in the process of the A. From Brand new to many years later, from Divorced to Reconciled.

It sounds like your H has messed up pretty badly, and I get working w/ him on R. I was willing to before I had even confirmed the A.

I can say that there are some essential things that need to happen to have a successful R.
He has to commit to NC w/ his AP. This has to be done sooner than later. He has to be completely transparent with you. Giving you passwords to his phone, emails, and so forth. He also has to understand that it's going to take time for you to develop any level of trust again.

Sounds like this may have been a midlife crisis type of A. But he needs to understand why he made the choices he did, otherwise, he is apt to repeat the behavior.

Wishing you much strength, and Hugs.