Vindicated,
I think it's admirable that you have compassion about the affair. With my husband's first affair, I was pretty understanding because of the circumstances under which it happened and because it was uncharacteristic of him.
I may have been too understanding, however. 7 years later, and when I was certain he'd never put me through that again, he had a second affair that nearly gutted me.
With a lot of work, we figured out that we hadn't really done the work to find out why it happened the first time and how to prevent it a second time. After the second affair, he spent a lot more time on introspection to understand what allowed him to justify having an affair and why he felt so entitled. We implemented boundaries with people who aren't friends of our marriage and I feel very strongly that he's sticking to them. In addition, I know what the consequences will be of another lapse in judgment so I feel fairly free to trust again.
I imagine this is a very heavy weight for your husband given the loss of his job. The consequences of having an affair are often devastating in many ways. I'm sure if most of our WSes had actually considered the fallout from their affairs, they wouldn't have engaged in the first place.
The fact that you are understanding will make it easier for your WS to talk to you about where he was in his head that lead to the affair. It's very hard to talk to someone who is losing it so you have an advantage there if you are planning to reconcile and move forward. No contact with the OP is essential for all of you if that is the plan. There are several reasons for this:
1. Every contact your WS has with the OP starts the withdrawal process over for him. He will have a harder time letting her go if there is continued contact.
2. The same thing is happening with the OP. And if your husband isn't planning to be with her, it's not fair for him to continue having contact and keeping that hope alive for her. Ending the relationship completely will allow her to process through her own withdrawal and begin to heal faster. Continued contact will be like reopening the wound repeatedly.
3. Your own healing will be better if there is no contact. Although you are very understanding, I'm sure this is still very painful for you. Continued contact will only add to that.
As for leaving the forum, there is no need to do that unless you truly want to. We have all scenarios here. Yes, some situations cannot include reconciliation but we have many, many that do, including my own. Whether you choose to be understanding and reconcile and outraged and possibly divorce, you're going to get support here and advice that will help you succeed at whatever you set out to do. Without the support of those who have "been there, done that", you will likely be learning every lesson the hard way and your (and your spouse's) recovery will take that much longer. Whatever you decide, I'm sorry you're going through this and wish you the best possible outcome.
[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 1:34 PM, April 19th (Friday)]