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How do you let go?

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Dawn58 posted 4/19/2013 10:36 AM

Everyone tells me I have to let go. But no one tells me how to do it???

I have not been able to shut off my heart, I still love the man I thought I married. I know that he is not that man now. He is not the man I met in High School, or the man that I later reunited with 8 years ago. Or maybe he was and I didn't see it.

Anyways, I have changed my home and cell numbers and told my attorney to notify his attorney that I have made those changes so all communication goes through them.

I feel like I am going through some sort of withdrawal, I get physical aches when I am missing him. My heart pounds when I angry!!! I have shed so many tears, just sobbing.....

I still ask friends how he is doing........I still check up on him (and only get slammed into more pain and hurt when I find things out). Part of the reason I check up on him is to get into the REALITY that HE has moved on. There's a part of me that hopes he'll come back, but a bigger part of me that knows he never will. His ego is too big to admit that he did the wrong thing. I could never trust him again and without trust, there's no foundation.

I am sure that she is living with him now, but have not driven by the house late at night to see if her car is there. I don't know the balance between protecting myself and the need to find out the truth.

I don't know why I check up on him, I guess it's a reaction to NOT knowing about the affair while I was living with him. I was completely blindsided. So, I think the snooping is my reaction to that, to uncovering as many lies as I can. (funny, I just mistyped Lies and it's his last name!!!).

So, how do you let go?? How do you move on?? I know I am only 4 1/2 months out, so maybe it's too soon to even think about letting go. I am full of hurt, pain, anger, some denial still, rage and disbelief that this has happened. How do I heal my heart? How do I get through the day not obsessing about him, his skanky girlfriend, the movies in my head, the desire for justice, the desire to out him, the affair and the skanky girlfriend. I want people to know who he really is, a cheating, lying adulterer and that she is a cheap whore who approached him. He serves on the board of the organization she works for!! He received a distinguished alumni award in part for his integrity, what man of integrity cheats on his wife? Destroys his family? Brings his skanky girlfriend to the award dinner and thanks his "soul mate" while he is still married to me???? WTF!!!! My anger and hate keeps me tied to him. My hurt keeps me tied to him.

There are so many times when I have felt that I can't take this pain anymore. It has been the love and support of my friends and family that have gotten me through the last few months. This has been a nightmare, one that I will never wake up from.

gonnabe2016 posted 4/19/2013 11:19 AM

It'll happen Dawn. Your head will eventually be able to *get it*, and then you'll get really pissed off about it. And then you'll *see* the patheticness that is your stbx and his trashy OW. And then one day it'll be "so what."

It took me a really long time to do it and I don't believe that the process is truly complete yet.... You just have to continually remind yourself that he is a hurtful, insensitive, uncaring dick. Some people can go NC and do that just from using *memories* and others have to stay engaged until it gets beaten into their heads (<--that was me). But it WILL happen.

Just keep going. You'll reach the other side eventually....

Nature_Girl posted 4/19/2013 11:29 AM

It takes time. I don't think anyone can just let it all go at once. It takes time to detach, time to grieve each piece of your life and dream for your future that you have to cast off. It's an agonizing process that looks different for each of us.

(((((HUGS))))

stillsad1970 posted 4/19/2013 11:31 AM

I am in the exact situation you are in,only 25 days into Dday. You are not alone and they keep telling me that it is only time that heals wounds. I'm sorry I have no answers, just know this is the best place to be. I have thrived since coming here 6 days ago. You are not alone, I promise. ((((( )))))

disillusioned12 posted 4/19/2013 12:12 PM

I feel like I am going through some sort of withdrawal, I get physical aches when I am missing him. My heart pounds when I angry!!! I have shed so many tears, just sobbing.....

My IC and I were just talking about this at my last session. I completely understand what you are experiencing. When I break NC, I find myself back at square one as an emotional wreck. Then a couple days pass and I'm feeling more in control. But, I start obsessing over what I don't know or I miss hearing his voice, and then I get the urge to break NC. Sometimes I give into the temptation and other times I am able to resist. It has literally come to the point where I am congratulating myself every moment I don't break NC. Some days are easier than others, but it is a constant struggle.

I am not at the point of letting go, not completely. I realized I don't want to just yet. I know the man I fell in love with is an illusion. I know my STBX is showing me who he really is. I don't want to be married to the man I see now, but I'm not ready to let go of the man I married. In time I know I will, but for now this is where I am.

We are mourning a huge loss. Not only did we lose our SO, but we lost our ability to trust completely in another human being. We lost what we thought was our reality. We lost the future we planned for or hoped for. In a way, we lost our innocence and the belief that love conquers all.


(((Dawn58))) The pain will dull and eventually fade away.

[This message edited by disillusioned12 at 12:14 PM, April 19th (Friday)]

Phoenix1 posted 4/19/2013 13:34 PM

As human beings, we cannot turn our feelings off like a faucet. When you have an emotional investment, it takes time to come to terms that it is over, and it is true mourning. I trusted my POS completely, and he betrayed that trust, multiple times. You just have to reach a point where you decide you want something better in life. I still think about the POS a lot. Deep down I probably still love him because of all the years together, and the good times we had. But I also know that it was a lie on his part and most of our M was an illusion. When I get depressed and start thinking about him I stop and remind myself of what he has done to me and our family. I still have urges to contact him, usually with hurtful things as an act of petty vengence, but I just want a response from him. He is in complete denial and does not accept what he has done, or given any explanation of why he has done it. That hurts the most and I feel compelled to prod him in any way with the hopes that he might snap out of it. I am deluding myself, and I realize that. But after almost 30 years, I cannot help it. I KNOW I need to move on, and I am going through the motions, and everything I do just pisses him off further and pushes him away further, but I know I am doing the right thing - for both me and my last minor child.

It IS hard, but you have to keep reminding yourself that you are doing the right thing. I WANT to follow my heart, but my head is telling my heart to shut the fuck up. It is a huge internal struggle. I wasn't planning to grow old alone, and I was in the M for life, but I would rather be alone than surrounded by constant lies, secrecy, head games, and emotional turmoil.

You will find the strength to let go, but it does take time. Hang in there!

FaithFool posted 4/19/2013 14:44 PM

(((Dawn)))

At 4.5 months I think most of us were a blubbering mess on the floor of the shower or diving to the bottom of a box of red wine or three. Obsessing madly about what he was up to every.single.minute.of.the.day.

Or all of the above.

Now is the time you need to start doing things to be kind to yourself.

Allow the grieving process to proceed, but don't allow it every minute of your day. Allot a time for it, let it all hang out, cry, scream in the car (not while driving), punch pillows, whatever it takes to get.it.out.

Then be kind to yourself, divert your thoughts to something else for awhile.

Books: Journey from Abandonment to Healing; The Power of Now

Soothing instrumental music

Yoga/meditation helped me enormously -- I did three classes a week for the longest time and it exhausted me in a good way.

I drank a lot of wine and hung out on here constantly.

We've all been there.

There will be pain in Year One, a different kind of pain in Years Two and Three.

By Year Four you'll start to feel sort of normal.

I'm heading into Year Five and discovering stuff about the x no longer sends me to the mat.

It gets better, but there is no way out but through.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 2:44 PM, April 19th (Friday)]

ShockedAndHurt posted 4/19/2013 15:36 PM

I am not at the point of letting go, not completely. I realized I don't want to just yet. I know the man I fell in love with is an illusion. I know my STBX is showing me who he really is. I don't want to be married to the man I see now, but I'm not ready to let go of the man I married. In time I know I will, but for now this is where I am.

We are mourning a huge loss. Not only did we lose our SO, but we lost our ability to trust completely in another human being. We lost what we thought was our reality. We lost the future we planned for or hoped for. In a way, we lost our innocence and the belief that love conquers all.

This. Just this.

kernel posted 4/19/2013 15:50 PM

It takes time. I don't think anyone can just let it all go at once. It takes time to detach, time to grieve each piece of your life and dream for your future that you have to cast off. It's an agonizing process that looks different for each of us.

^^^ This is the heart of it. It takes time, and that sucks, but it's true.

tabitha95 posted 4/19/2013 15:58 PM

I've let go of "him", but I still struggle with no having a H and a co-parent that lives with me. I miss being able to share the little things in life with someone who would have as much interest. I want to tell the kid's father about triumphs and fun moments.

I feel robbed.

cp1962 posted 4/19/2013 16:17 PM

I am 10 weeks separated so definitely not an expert, and I moved away from my WH, so NC is much easier, but I am getting better! Instead of thinking about why, how, what is he doing,etc. every waking moment, it is now maybe only a few hours each day. Progress! IC has helped a ton, but I have done some other things too. Meditation & Yoga have helpful in helping me re-focus and I feel more centered. I have made pretty "Positive Affirmations" out of construction paper and glitter and stuff and have taped and pasted them all over my bedroom and bathroom around my apartment and I repeat them in the mirror 10 times in the morning and 10 times right before I go to bed. Writing in my journal,and ending each day with gratitude have helped. Get a manicure, a pedicure, a massage, a whole spa day! I guess what I am saying is, the more time we spend on ourselves, the less time we have to focus on our Peices of Shit!!! They didnt love or nurture us, so let's love and nurture ourselves. Have I let go? Not there yet by a long shot, but I am doing my best to focus on ME & not him. When I succeed, I pat myself on the back. When I fail, I cry and wail, but I dont beat myself up. I let it out and start again. Hugs to you.

Sad in AZ posted 4/19/2013 17:03 PM

You're still grieving. You can't force this to happen; you have to give it dreaded 'time'.

Hell, honey, I was having a hard time letting go 1.5 years after leaving him. I had to get really, really angry--'hold my earrings and give me a baseball bat' angry. Then, poof! I moved into indifference, and it's been blissful.

Don't be hard on yourself; in fact, do something nice. You deserve it.

phmh posted 4/19/2013 18:24 PM

I agree with what's been said so far; on a practical level, the book "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan Elliott really helped me. She has specific exercises that you do to help you get past your breakup and make a fabulous new life for yourself.

Others have also recommended "The Journey From Abandonment to Healing."

It does take time, but time alone doesn't heal. There are no set healing timelines; everyone is different. That being said, NC is HUGE. I know it is so, so tough, but you can do it.

I know it sounds silly, but one way you can help get there is by using positive reinforcement on yourself. Get a calendar, and every day that you stay NC with him, you get a star. Because you see the visual representation, you will want to get more stars, which makes you think twice before breaking NC.

Set rewards for different goals. For example, 7 days of consecutive stars = new book you want. 28/30 stars in the month means a massage. Two consecutive months of NC = ipad. Choose things that will motivate you.

You know that breaking NC makes you feel worse. You just need a plan to stay NC!

ruinedandbroken posted 4/19/2013 20:39 PM

I've let go of "him", but I still struggle with no having a H and a co-parent that lives with me. I miss being able to share the little things in life with someone who would have as much interest. I want to tell the kid's father about triumphs and fun moments.
I feel robbed.

^^^^ Same here.

There isn't a set of directions of how to let go. It is just something that happens, slowly, with acceptance. For me, it is almost 3 years and sometimes I still feel like I haven't let go. I mean, I've let go of him, but I still morn the loss of the family that I always wanted. I mourn the loss of raising my kids with their father. I mourn the loss of my old life, a life that I truly loved, before it was turned up side down with deceit and betrayal. I *still* have a hard time coming to grips with that and I *still* feel waves of disbelief sometimes. There are not set of directions unfortunately cause if there was I'd memorize it. You are so new to all of this. I was a pool of tears at 4 1/2 months. It truly does feel like the nightmare you can't wake up from.

((Dawn58))

SBB posted 4/19/2013 23:43 PM

Your DD was in November. You're so very early into this I'd be surprised if you were NOT feeling this way.

What will help is total NC - don't ask about him, don't let anyone tell you stuff about him. You need to start evicting him and her from your mind.

Every single piece of information you know about him/them will cause you pain.

He had toast for breakfast = pain.
He is wearing socks = pain.

You know this. You are feeling it now.

Sheer brute willpower got me through those first few months. My turning point was in Oct around what was to be the 10th anniversary of our first meeting. That was my very lowest point - basically I was sobbing anytime I was alone. I hadn't done that since the weeks after DD. All of my hurt, fear, anger hit me at once and I felt overwhelmed.

I came out of that horrible period feeling cleansed, lighter - something had just clicked. Rock bottom.

IMO it was acceptance. This had really happened. This was really happening. He was really in my past.

I also surrendered to what was happening. I didn't try to stop the feelings coming nor did I beat myself up about the confusing thoughts. All normal. All OK. I've SO got this.

I also had a comical lightbulb moment after that horrific period where I stood back and thought:

"That guy? THAT's the guy that has had me on my knees? That's the guy that I am hitting my rock bottom about? Really?".

In that moment I saw the ridiculousness of it all. I laughed for two hours straight. I have fall-over laughing sessions with my friends about it all the time - I'm laughing now just thinking about it.

THAT guy? No.

Fake it till you make it - one day you'll realise you're not faking it anymore.

tesla posted 4/20/2013 07:54 AM

Dawn, you are only 4.5 months out. Be kind to yourself. Let yourself feel sad about the death of your marriage. Reading "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" helped me immensely! It helped me understand why I was reacting the way I was...didn't make the reactions go away and I don't think it made the process move faster...but the book did help me identify what was going on so I didn't feel so fucking crazy.

Ex-shat was the white noise in my brain for over a year. And now, finally, in the last couple of months, he's fading. I can go a whole 8 - 12 hours without him even crossing my mind! I have no idea why it started happening except that I must have worked through the grief.

Continue to work through the grief in productive ways for YOU! You will make it.

(((Dawn)))

Ashland13 posted 4/20/2013 20:43 PM

I am about four months out from DDay as well. I have many set backs but am starting to have brief periods where my own denial is gone and I understand.

One thing that I've been going through and I don't know if it will help, is a separate detatchment from STBXH, for I think we have to go through several detatchments and not just ridding inner ourselves of the person.

So my other detatchment theory is that we have to also learn to think of ourselves as not being married any longer. It's the most shocking thing for me some days, as all I've been my whole adult life is a married woman and housewife for ten years. My way of being was being married, sybmolic of earlier decades, in many ways.

So I have the letting go of STBXH himself to do and the fact that I am single now.

Another thing I do is realize that unfortunately, there are okay parts about him being gone. I list them anywhere I want and look back during my down times. One of those negative things is how critical he was of me and the egg shells I walked on to keep peace when he was critical or moody, maybe those are two things.

I have new habits since he's been gone that I have to admit some small joy in and lastly for now, I have to admit that there was a time in life when I didn't even know him! Sometimes I think of who I was or what I liked to do when I didn't know him and try to do that if its possible.

Old friends have come out of the woodwork in his absence and they actually said they didn't like him or felt like they couldn't see me, so I have lots of admitting to good things existing without him.

Yet all the while I know how much he hurt me, still he haunts me, his laugh, the sound of his voice, his eyes smiling at me. They say this is the mourning part and my heart trying to separate who he was and who he's become, for don't WS's turn into two people when an A or D comes along? The persn who was there for us and the one who isn't are very much like two people and I know for me, I am stuck on clinging to he who was here before.

HWIHN, "He who is here now", well, she can hav him. I ist his bad points now and it helps and find I'm not even really attracted to him anymore. That was totally shocking! I think I'm attracted to married life and who he was, but I don't want to repeat.

I think once we are strong enough to sort out that WS has become another person and that we are no longer married people, technically, and stick with those thoughts, that maybe it gets easier someday?

I find NC excruciating sometimes, but then remember the negative things he makes happen too and it helps to think, do I really want more pain? Do I want him to complain to her about me more? and that helps sometimes.

FaithFool posted 4/21/2013 11:10 AM

"That guy? THAT's the guy that has had me on my knees? That's the guy that I am hitting my rock bottom about? Really?".

This ^^^^^^ exactly!!

Dawn58 posted 4/21/2013 11:41 AM

Wow, this sounds like such a hard thing to do. I can see myself letting go of the asshole he is now. I have no love or respect for that man. So much harder to let go of the man I feel in love with. Maybe I check up on him in hopes of finding that sweet man again.

One of the things that is tearing at me, is that the skank is seeing that man now. The man that professes his love for her, calls her his soul mate and is making her feel so special! The gifts, the flowers, the dinners out, the vacations. The happiness and love she is feeling right now. She is in my home, in our bed, walking through the garden I designed. God, that just tears my heart out. I was so quickly and easily replaced. How can you do that to another person?? How can you jump into somebody else's bed, without any regard or thought about the people you are hurting.

Why do I have to pay the price for his happiness???????? Why am I on the floor, rolled up in a ball of pain, so he can go screw some other woman????? So he can call her his soul mate at an award's dinner while he is still married to me??????? Don't fricking get it...........

FaithFool posted 4/21/2013 12:24 PM

Dawn, you are dealing with much more than infidelity, you are dealing with something called "Lifejacking".

This bitch hijacked your life and your anger and pain are completely justifiable.

It will take a lot of time and it's very hard work, but you can survive this.

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