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heartbroken2012 posted 4/19/2013 10:49 AM

Last night I HAD to talk to my WH about the A. We dont normally talk about it...we have spoken about it tons. But I had to vent.

So this is how the convo went:

I told him that I had bad thoughts today.In the car especially. I told him that I dont feel special. I keep having mind movies. I dont understand how he could love me and do that. I feel hurt. He could have brought something home to me (STD). He did something so private (Oral) for her. I feel like we were soulmates and he managed to stay faithful while we were apart while we were getting his fiance visa just to come over here and sleep with someone else. I worry about my body since she was thinner. I worry that the sex was special or good. I went into great detail how I felt. I told him that I was hurt and I think about it every day. I trigger everytime I go to work. She is in the bedroom with us when we have sex. I worry that he thinks about it. I think about the past when I was doing things, like Thanksgiving and that whole time he was having an affair. I told him I cant look at pictures...including our wedding photo. Didnt he hurt to lie to me all the time? Why was lying so easy.

His response was that he was horribly sorry. He does not think of the A ever. He feels horrible he did that. He said that life at home for two weeks were rough. I was being horribly mean, to everyone and he didnt want to come home. He admits that wasnt an excuse but that did contribute. He said that the A wasnt like I think. They didnt have sex all the time, or oral. It was quick (since they were at work) he always loved me the whole time, he never thought about leaving me. The texting was always ususally about work...nothing sexual or loving. He doesnt think of her and regrets every doing anytning like that. I am special, and he loves me more than anything. He wishes he could take it back. He wishes that someday it will be over and I will feel better (I replied I will never forget). He loves my body and finds me sexy. He said horrible things and was mean but is sorry. He said that he has maintained no contact. He will not work with her, and will refuse if told. he doesnt think about her ever. He said that he didnt like to lie and it hurt to lie to me, but he kept it separate from home life. He said our sex always was and always will be better.

I guess there will NEVER be anything he can say that will make it better. I hurt so bad. I just dont think he realizes.

Theradin posted 4/19/2013 10:57 AM

I can relate to the way you are feeling, and can say that it is PERFECTLY normal and expected to feel this way. While it totally sucks, you are working through some serious trauma (emotional), and there is nothing wrong with how you feel.

This is the challenge in R: your mind, heart, soul, etc., is trying to protect you, and telling you to get away from the source of your trauma - it's biological, it's natural. But you are forcing yourself to go against all your instincts to stay with this source of trauma, and as a result, you are having to process and reverse a LOT of pain and hurt within yourself that he 100% caused for you.

For some people, this is simply too much, and they feel they can find true happiness and safety and trust with another partner, so they move on. In fact, that is MUCH more common (statistically) than true, successful R. And for other people, they have the willpower, strength, drive and determination to try to take a very shitty situation and turn it into something that could possibly be better than anything they've ever had. It's a shit ton of work - don't get me wrong. And it isn't for the weak of heart, that I can say for sure.

Only you can decide what is right for you. Your WH gets NO say in that. He lost his right to decide things for you when he chose to step out side his marriage, violate his vows, and violate you as a person. Don't feel pressured to do "what's right for him", do what's right for YOU! Only time will tell what you feel in your heart is what's right for you, but rest assured, you will!

Be strong.

sisoon posted 4/19/2013 11:00 AM

Sounds a lot like my W, but the A was a 'friendship', not a work arrangement.

When she told me, a few days after D-Day, that she told ow several times that she was never going to leave me, I was elated, really elated. Then she said, 'But I did (leave you).' I didn't get it - I stayed elated for a few days until it sunk in - by spending so much time and energy on ow, my W did, in effect, leave me.

It's very much heart breaking.

2 points: first, you can talk about your pain with your H - or with an IC or MC. That helped me, and it'll probably help you.

More important, nothing will make this OK, but if you keep on this path, you will heal. It'll take longer than you'd like, I'm sure, but you will heal.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:01 AM, April 19th (Friday)]