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She said she was being totally honest, she wasn't.

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Changed72 posted 4/19/2013 11:49 AM

My wife said she was being truthful about everything, no reason to lie anymore...
She told me she only had sex with him at a motel...
Not true, she told me last night, that she gave him a bj at his house when his family was away.
Her reasoning was, that she would think I thought they had sex in our house if she told me that...

I told her I don't care if they had sex on the moon!!!
Just tell me the truth, why is that so hard?
Now I'm back at square one, just when I thought we were making progress.
Why do they continue to lie?
Or not give us the whole truth?
It's not that hard, is it?
It only hurts me again and again.

And it makes me wonder why I'm staying with her???

I really am at a loss.

confused615 posted 4/19/2013 11:53 AM

They lie because they don't want to have to deal with the consequences of telling the truth.

She lied to cover her ass.

Since it happened in his house while his family was away,she probably lied to cover for his wife wouldn't find out he had brought his OW into her home.

TT is very,very common.

My WH TT me at 2.5 years into R. He told me about a whole other AP/PA that took place a few months prior to dday1.

Why did he lie? Because he "couldn't stand hurting you again!"

Bullshit. Had he told me years ago,I would have dealt with it all at once.

They lie because they're cowards.

5454real posted 4/19/2013 11:59 AM

Sorry you're here brother. What she's doing is called trickle truth. Whether it's about the duration, the acts or the why's, they've always got a reason. 'I wanted to spare you', 'I was ashamed', 'I didn't want to hurt you' are all pretty common. The saddest part is that the hurt is increased with each TT.

Compare it to a band aid, right now, she's ripping it off as slowly as she can. With each pull, she is starting the bleeding all over. She needs to know that it has to be all at once. Quit prolonging the agony.

She has already devastated you once, each further admission, truth revealed from her are additional barriers to beginning the healing process. Doesn't she want to get started?

TT kills R. It's that simple.


k9lover1 posted 4/19/2013 12:36 PM

Too often the WS is not honest right out of the box. Some will eventually telling the truth after a thousand cuts of TT, some never come clean.

In my case, which only affects me, I was lied to over and over and over. It ended when I ended it.

I do not regret pulling the plug - I think it was my salvation, my road back to sanity.

27yearsnowlost posted 4/19/2013 12:48 PM

For some reason in their mind they think that they don't what to hurts us but its because they can't deal with what they did.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 4/19/2013 12:53 PM

Never think that she didn't tell you so you wouldn't be hurt. You asked for the whole truth and expressed your need for it. Those two things don't mesh. Keeping things secret are not because they don't want to hurt you but because they don't want to feel shame.

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 4:27 PM, April 19th (Friday)]

Mack9512 posted 4/19/2013 13:42 PM

I told my WH that it wasn't the A that was going to kill our marriage, it was the constant lies.

LastChanceLarry posted 4/19/2013 15:58 PM

^^^^ THIS.

WXGF lied constantly. She lied to me, she lied to her family, she lied to herself. Even when confronted with the truth she would lie. Even as i throw proof in her face she would continue to lie until i just gave up. Sure she would alter her story here or there to account for whatever proof i had. Once she committed to those lies it was written in stone and almost nothing i could say or do would get her to come clean 100%.

As the others have said, they lie to protect themselves. Whether it's to save face, or not deal with consequences or whatever. It's never for you.

They don't get it though, their thinking is so mucked up that up is down and right is wrong and they tell lies to "protect" you.
There isn't a single BS here who preferred the lies to the truth.

And it makes me wonder why I'm staying with her???
So why are you staying with her? Consider the possibility that she might still be lying. What if they had sex in your home? On your bed? In front of your dog? These things might all be forgivable in time but the lies? Without trust there is no future with this woman.


[This message edited by LastChanceLarry at 5:23 PM, April 19th (Friday)]

stronger08 posted 4/19/2013 16:25 PM

Bro, I hate to tell you this. But rest assured your only scratching the surface of what really went on. My take is that its much worse then she is admitting to. They will admit a small instance in order to hide the big picture. I personally tell people to multiply what they admit at least five fold. And that's giving them the benefit of the doubt. Ask her to take a poly. Matter of fact insist on it. They usually spill the beans when that happens. Hang in there my man. Sorry your here. Keep posting and reading.

Nature_Girl posted 4/19/2013 16:40 PM

When you take the time to quietly sit & contemplate that you were lied to, right to your face, over & over, the reality is pretty frightening. I can recall being actually frightened when I thought back over all the times STBX lied to my face, lied while crying, lied while swearing he was telling the truth, lied while invoking his mother's grave and our children's lives... What kind of a soulless monster lies like that?

The kind I married.

The kind I'm divorcing.

Esseboria posted 4/19/2013 17:20 PM

^^^ What Nature Girl said. I get the most disgusted when I think back on all the deliberate, bold faced lies my WF told me. And even more disgusted when I realize that I actually trusted and BELIEVED him. That, even more than the 5 encounters with prostitutes (he has admitted to) makes me want to vomit :(

ObsessedWithHer posted 4/19/2013 18:52 PM

I am asking the same question. My BF went from saying he slept with the OW once while we were together. Months later, I find out by accident it was at least 3 times while we were together and he kept talking to her. I guess he forgot he didn't come clean about some of it because liars tend to forget their lies. Why don't they tell us all at once???? We are going to find out and when we do it undoes the trust we've been trying to rebuild!!!

Phoenix1 posted 4/19/2013 19:09 PM

I wish I had a nickel for every lie my POS has told me. I would be a VERY rich woman right now! Some people are simply pathological liars, which I have determined fits my POS. He simply does not want me to know the full extent of his betrayals, even when confronted with evidence he lies, lies, and lies some more. I cannot believe a word out of his mouth anymore and, unfortunately, our kids have told me they feel the same way. Unfortunate for him, but he made his bed so he gets to lay in it. Some people simply don't know the meaning of honesty or trust, and I never would have married him had I known this.

TICKED OFF posted 4/19/2013 20:18 PM

Nine years out now and I am still wondering.

simpleguy78 posted 4/20/2013 03:05 AM

she will string it along as long as she can.i'm sure she hates it when you bring it now even if she tells you everything,you will still wonder.not what you want 2 hear i know.It all began 4 me in aug can make her read websites,watch doc phil,plead your heart out.if she doesn't want 2 she won't.if and until she puts your pain before her feelings she won't.....sorry man just being honest..if you still want to be with her the best thing you can do is just observe her.does she flirt,stare at dudes in public,seems like she doesn't care etc...just remember the only thing you can't get back is time....not all cheating women are the same ...

Theradin posted 4/21/2013 16:47 PM


Totally sucks, I know! Many of us have been in similar situations. My WW TT'd for over six months before I finally knew what I believe to be the 'full story'. Even after coming fully clean, as she called it, she then later revealed additional things that she lied about, even into full R. This is just par for the course. Some WS' have enough, say, respect or decency or whatever you call it, to disclose the full truth and know that they are actually HELPING the process, not hurting it. But for other WS', it's almost an impossible task. That's not to say that full disclosure makes an A any less painful, but at least there's a sense of some respect from the WS if they can just 'man up' and be honest with you (and, in a way, themselves).

Unfortunately, I hate to admit it, but you will likely find out even more stuff in the coming days, weeks and months (hopefully not the coming years!). One thing that may be useful is to tell your WW that her continued lying and withholding only hurts you more and greatly decreases the chances of actually being able to successfully recover. Each additional 'lie' they reveal after they already told you that they've told you everything is very damaging to your ability to trust that person again. And it becomes exponentially so when it repeatedly happens. I've actually read this in a well known book on infidelity and R.

If your heart is still in it, and you think she has a shot at being honest, then all I can say is keep trying. At some point, though, if you feel she will just simply not tell you the truth anymore, then you may need to reconsider? The answers all lie within you.

Be strong, man! Keep working on yourself!

Ashland13 posted 4/21/2013 17:07 PM

Yes, the lies are some of the hardest part. Now, STBXH wants to minimalize every part of what he did, but it doesn't work. Every epxlanation he gave, he tried to minimalize or change.

Now he continues to lie to DD and that makes me ache for her. She told me again today during our lunch, "Mom I just don't trust dad." I felt such hurt for her and I didn't know I had room any more.

She's 10 and already sees through him and some other people, like relatives who tell a little kid "one minute!" but they never come. She talks about that, also.

The lying to children I simply cannot fathom, but they get caught up in what WS do-and they didn't even choose to be born into the situation, but are by circumstance. A little off topic but related to the lying topic.

STBXH also lies by omission and frequently just plain doesn't answer something. Now I think that's when I know I've got him in a corner and a counselor said that's what's happening.

I'm sorry for changed's hard time, for I went through it too. I finally came to a point where I don't want to hear anything, even the name of the state OW lives in and where he went. I hope that you will find that over time, you don't want to hear anymore either. There are other parts I wonder about and am haunted by, but details about the PA part I can't tolerate emotionally any longer.

I saw mail from hotel chains come to our house before STBXH switched his mail and he used to lie and say he was doing work for a friend, to explain being away at night. Nope, during TT he finally said he hadn't seen or talked to the friend in over a year.

I've been very tempted to contact the friend and tell him what he was used for.

Even on Christmas day this last season, STBXH lied to me and said he was going to the friend's for Christmas dinner while DD and I were all alone-yep, Christmas f'ing day!-but we all know where he was.

I have set boundaries that OW not be allowed here and am looking to buy no trespassins signs. I've had him sign a contract that he won't bring her here and hope that I can keep it going-after D though I don't know?

So anyway, I am sorry for the hard times Changed and everyone is having with WS's.

Discovering the disrespect and dishonor to us is one of the hardest things for me.

RidingHealingRd posted 4/21/2013 17:08 PM

They lie because they're cowards.


They don't lie because they are trying to spare us pain, they lie to spare themselves the pain of our wrath. It's a continuation of their selfish behavior.

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 5:21 PM, April 21st (Sunday)]

Dare2Trust posted 4/21/2013 20:14 PM


I'm so sorry this happened.

Can I ask:
Who was your WW referring to when she stated:
"She told me she only had sex with him at a motel...
Not true, she told me last night, that she gave him a bj at his house when his family was away.
Her reasoning was, that she would think I thought they had sex in our house if she told me that..."

If she was referring to MOM-the first OM she had an affair with....Do you still feel like MOM's WIFE doesn't deserve to be told about this affair?
1)Even after your WW and MOM invaded his WIFE'S home and had sex there?
2) Even though MOM has broken NO CONTACT with your WW a couple of times recently?
3) Even though your WW still works with this man?

Again, I'm really sorry this happened. It is amazing how our cheating spouses define "being totally honest."

[This message edited by Dare2Trust at 8:19 PM, April 21st (Sunday)]

betrayed2years posted 4/22/2013 03:32 AM

Changed72, your post hits very very close to mine, my WW,has an affair with her boss in late 2010, she was going through menopause, acting like she wasn't married, and not until Nov. 2012, until she showed signs of S.T.D. did she tell me.first D-Day she said they only had sex 2 times,and that was it, swore to god ,and kept saying she didn't know why she did it,begged for forgiveness,in Jan 2013, after i told her i text-ed the OM. and told her there stories didn't match, she confessed to having sex with him over 6 times,and she gave him oral sex, knowing he had a S.T.D., there is a lot more to the story, but it boils down to every time we get into the subject, her story changes a little.i also just want the truth, the whole story,who,what,where,when and the big one...why. the longer she holds back the truth, the more i don't want to be with her,good luck changed72

Affair -her with her boss,has S.T.D
ME-fed up with lies,
D-Day1- Nov 2012
D-Day2- Jan 2013
trying to R,but just not feeling it

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