I told her I don't care if they had sex on the moon!!!
Just tell me the truth, why is that so hard?
Now I'm back at square one, just when I thought we were making progress.
Why do they continue to lie?
Or not give us the whole truth?
It's not that hard, is it?
It only hurts me again and again.
And it makes me wonder why I'm staying with her???
I really am at a loss.
She lied to cover her ass.
Since it happened in his house while his family was away,she probably lied to cover for him..so his wife wouldn't find out he had brought his OW into her home.
TT is very,very common.
My WH TT me at 2.5 years into R. He told me about a whole other AP/PA that took place a few months prior to dday1.
Why did he lie? Because he "couldn't stand hurting you again!"
Bullshit. Had he told me years ago,I would have dealt with it all at once.
They lie because they're cowards.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Compare it to a band aid, right now, she's ripping it off as slowly as she can. With each pull, she is starting the bleeding all over. She needs to know that it has to be all at once. Quit prolonging the agony.
She has already devastated you once, each further admission, truth revealed from her are additional barriers to beginning the healing process. Doesn't she want to get started?
TT kills R. It's that simple.
In my case, which only affects me, I was lied to over and over and over. It ended when I ended it.
I do not regret pulling the plug - I think it was my salvation, my road back to sanity.
[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 4:27 PM, April 19th (Friday)]
Confronted him: 12/22/2011
This is the most difficult thing I've ever done.
WXGF lied constantly. She lied to me, she lied to her family, she lied to herself. Even when confronted with the truth she would lie. Even as i throw proof in her face she would continue to lie until i just gave up. Sure she would alter her story here or there to account for whatever proof i had. Once she committed to those lies it was written in stone and almost nothing i could say or do would get her to come clean 100%.
As the others have said, they lie to protect themselves. Whether it's to save face, or not deal with consequences or whatever. It's never for you.
They don't get it though, their thinking is so mucked up that up is down and right is wrong and they tell lies to "protect" you.
There isn't a single BS here who preferred the lies to the truth.
And it makes me wonder why I'm staying with her???
[This message edited by LastChanceLarry at 5:23 PM, April 19th (Friday)]
3+ years later and I am doing great! Hell of a ride but well worth it.
The kind I married.
The kind I'm divorcing.
Totally sucks, I know! Many of us have been in similar situations. My WW TT'd for over six months before I finally knew what I believe to be the 'full story'. Even after coming fully clean, as she called it, she then later revealed additional things that she lied about, even into full R. This is just par for the course. Some WS' have enough, say, respect or decency or whatever you call it, to disclose the full truth and know that they are actually HELPING the process, not hurting it. But for other WS', it's almost an impossible task. That's not to say that full disclosure makes an A any less painful, but at least there's a sense of some respect from the WS if they can just 'man up' and be honest with you (and, in a way, themselves).
Unfortunately, I hate to admit it, but you will likely find out even more stuff in the coming days, weeks and months (hopefully not the coming years!). One thing that may be useful is to tell your WW that her continued lying and withholding only hurts you more and greatly decreases the chances of actually being able to successfully recover. Each additional 'lie' they reveal after they already told you that they've told you everything is very damaging to your ability to trust that person again. And it becomes exponentially so when it repeatedly happens. I've actually read this in a well known book on infidelity and R.
If your heart is still in it, and you think she has a shot at being honest, then all I can say is keep trying. At some point, though, if you feel she will just simply not tell you the truth anymore, then you may need to reconsider? The answers all lie within you.
Be strong, man! Keep working on yourself!
Now he continues to lie to DD and that makes me ache for her. She told me again today during our lunch, "Mom I just don't trust dad." I felt such hurt for her and I didn't know I had room any more.
She's 10 and already sees through him and some other people, like relatives who tell a little kid "one minute!" but they never come. She talks about that, also.
The lying to children I simply cannot fathom, but they get caught up in what WS do-and they didn't even choose to be born into the situation, but are by circumstance. A little off topic but related to the lying topic.
STBXH also lies by omission and frequently just plain doesn't answer something. Now I think that's when I know I've got him in a corner and a counselor said that's what's happening.
I'm sorry for changed's hard time, for I went through it too. I finally came to a point where I don't want to hear anything, even the name of the state OW lives in and where he went. I hope that you will find that over time, you don't want to hear anymore either. There are other parts I wonder about and am haunted by, but details about the PA part I can't tolerate emotionally any longer.
I saw mail from hotel chains come to our house before STBXH switched his mail and he used to lie and say he was doing work for a friend, to explain being away at night. Nope, during TT he finally said he hadn't seen or talked to the friend in over a year.
I've been very tempted to contact the friend and tell him what he was used for.
Even on Christmas day this last season, STBXH lied to me and said he was going to the friend's for Christmas dinner while DD and I were all alone-yep, Christmas f'ing day!-but we all know where he was.
I have set boundaries that OW not be allowed here and am looking to buy no trespassins signs. I've had him sign a contract that he won't bring her here and hope that I can keep it going-after D though I don't know?
So anyway, I am sorry for the hard times Changed and everyone is having with WS's.
Discovering the disrespect and dishonor to us is one of the hardest things for me.
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
They don't lie because they are trying to spare us pain, they lie to spare themselves the pain of our wrath. It's a continuation of their selfish behavior.
[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 5:21 PM, April 21st (Sunday)]
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
I'm so sorry this happened.
Can I ask:
Who was your WW referring to when she stated:
"She told me she only had sex with him at a motel...
Not true, she told me last night, that she gave him a bj at his house when his family was away.
Her reasoning was, that she would think I thought they had sex in our house if she told me that..."
If she was referring to MOM-the first OM she had an affair with....Do you still feel like MOM's WIFE doesn't deserve to be told about this affair?
1)Even after your WW and MOM invaded his WIFE'S home and had sex there?
2) Even though MOM has broken NO CONTACT with your WW a couple of times recently?
3) Even though your WW still works with this man?
Again, I'm really sorry this happened. It is amazing how our cheating spouses define "being totally honest."
[This message edited by Dare2Trust at 8:19 PM, April 21st (Sunday)]
I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.
Affair -her with her boss,has S.T.D
ME-fed up with lies,
D-Day1- Nov 2012
D-Day2- Jan 2013
trying to R,but just not feeling it