My feeling is that she deserves to know the truth. He is her son, and it is not like she is going to kick him out, but I think she needs to know the real reason why he suddenly walked out and ended up there. If I don't tell her, her granddaughters will likely do so anyway.
Also, I would be careful about who you tell in a family because if you decide to R it may cause a strain because they may see it as a dealbreaker and understand why you stayed, kwim?
Just a few thoughts.
Be ready for anything once you tell her though, undoubtably it will stir up some heavy emotions and reactions from WH and MIL and WS family can be a real wildcard sometimes. One day they are telling you how happy they are that you are in their family, the next day it's nothing but accusations and threats.
One thing is certain, the more people you tell, the harder it is to avoid dealing with the situation. Affairs flourish in secrecy and shadows. Expose the SOB and at the very least begin with your own healing.
Right now he thinks that he is safe hiding behind mom's apron.
Root him out.
Oh, and if you think it's not your "place" to tell MIL, just think about all the lies he's told you and your children. It is your place to keep you and your family safe and healthy. It is not your place to let this get rugswept again.
3+ years later and I am doing great! Hell of a ride but well worth it.
I waited a couple of months and when I realized he wasn't going to fess up to mother in law, I told her. I was not going to allow the skank homewrecker to show up on my in-laws pretending she was the new girlfriend that came after the D. I wanted them to know she was the cause of the D.
My mother in law has been very supportive me and is VERY upset with her son. However, I do realize that at some point, she will have to accept OW if dickhead chooses to stay with her. She will always be knows as the homewrecker on that side of the family though, LOL.
I think it just really depends on the relationship that you have with her. I agree that you may experience some backlash, but it's probably still worth telling her.
On the other hand, when my youngest son had an affair, my wonderful DIL called me for support. I supported her 100%, sent them to a weeks marriage counseling and then once a week counseling for a year afterwards. They had married too young against my wishes, so I had some moral authority with them. They are doing extremely well two years later.
If this is not a concern, then I would tell. Especially since he is spinning stories for her. Just more fantasy that is not going to help him get head head out of his butt.
Also, as you mentioned, MIL has been treated to Disney stories by your WS, there is a good chance WS might have told MIL that you are going to blame WS for infidelity.
My exW had informed my in laws that I was "suspecting" an A, and I had manufactured proof to get out of the marriage.
When I called FIL he listened to me without any interruptions. Then he confirmed if I had anything else to say. I said no, nothing else.
Then he began. He said " my daughter has explained to me about everything and I am going to be on my daughters side. My daughter is not going to D you no matter how much you try." (if she filed for D she doesnt get anything).
In other words, she wants to be in her A and you should be her slave.
It was war from then on.
[This message edited by Happydays at 2:09 PM, April 20th (Saturday)]
However, it became clear very quickly that she was scared to make any waves with STBXH and was afraid of making him mad, so she simply kept saying how she just wanted what was best for everyone and just wanted STBXH to be happy, blah fucking blah. Again, I never, ever, wanted or expected her to turn her back on her son, but after being in her family for 20 years, I expected her to be supportive of me and her two grandchildren. She turned out to be as big of an asshole as her son.
Fast forward four years to today, and I am SO happy I told her. We don't have a relationship at all, but I am so proud that she knows the truth of why STBXH left because I told her. STBXH's plan was to just let his mother (and everyone else) think that things just suddenly weren't working out, with no mention that he was fucking a whore.
So tell your mother in law, tell everyone you know. You won't regret it.
[This message edited by thisisterrible at 10:13 PM, April 20th (Saturday)]
Do you plan to have a relationship with her? I mean, outside of perhaps seeing her at an event with your DD or something?
I told everybody too - I don't care.. You know the first person I told was his sister. And you know what he once told me in a very sad, almost crying voice - "I wanted to be the one to tell them about OW" - yeah ok!
Do tell, in a gentle - you should know the truth kinda way!
Me -BS (48)
Him - Who cares?
DS 20, DD 16
So do what you feel is right in your soul,mind and heart, depends on your relationship with her. Me, I was never accepted in the family period. How sad is that and yet, without me she'd not have a DGS?*Shakes head*
How you tell them is very important and can make the difference between them supporting you or resenting you. Be sure that when you tell your MIL about your WS adultery, that you are not coming off as though you are trying to punish them(WS), or "getting back" at them, or being vindictive, or angry, or jilted/scorned, and don't call their son/daughter any names (as much as they deserve so).
Calmly advise them that you have confirmed that your WS is in a sexual extramarital affair. Tell them that you have tried to reason with your WS and tried to express to your WS that this has hurt you and your children. Tell them that you have done all that you can to help your family and your marriage but that your WS remains in the affair. Tell them this is unacceptable to you, your morals, and your beliefs. Tell them that you are disclosing this because you believe that you have done all you can and believe that your WS family may be the only ones that can help them. Again, assure them that you are not telling them because you want get-back-at or punish your WS, but that you care for your WS, believe they are in an unhealthy state of mind, and that their family should know about it so they can help your WS.
I told my MIL and was expecting her to turn on me. She didn't. She was disgusted with her daughters actions and shared her concern for her grandchildren. A year later she still is supportive and we still have a good relationship even though I'm divorcing her daughter because of adultery.