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What I can do next?

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toasted22 posted 4/19/2013 16:05 PM

First post, probably not the last.
I have had several affairs lasting over a couple of years. Disclosure was about a year ago. I fully confessed about everything though only a week ago. I did this in a letter outlining everything I have done. I gave a copy to my counsellor, an older couple I am accountable to in our church and of course my wife. I wanted to get it checked through by my counsellor to see if there were any hints of justification or any lack of contrition. I am not in a well enough state to make fair judgement on these things, so I am relying on others to give tough but loving feedback. My wife wanted to see the confessional, I sensed it was churning her up that there may well be more that I haven't disclosed, which there was. She now reads it and sees any little thing and considers it a justification for my vile behaviour.

The real pain for her is sadness.

I recently asked her to tell me her feelings and thoughts etc about the affairs and what it has done for her. So with gentle coaxing she told me exactly what it has done for her. I have taken this emotionally into me, embracing her pain and making it my own. I am even more deeply contrite and in pain.

I read a lot of books, blogs etc on reconciliation and I am trying to humanly do everything possible to win my wife's love back. I know its her choice. My counsellor tells me to be her 'Knight in shining armour' but not her Rescuer.

But I fear I maybe too late. Because I dribbled out the truth over such a long time (11 months) and therefore said many lies my wife is now toxic opposed to anything I say that is true. I feel that I am 'Toasted'.

I don't know fully why I held back on telling all. Shame, guilt, fear, depression, poor memory, fear, self loathing therefore wanting to repress and compartmentalise. Don't know why.

I have long standing depression, though only diagnosed as this upon disclosure and after two suicide attempts. The attending psychiatrist was shocked at my situation and story and that I had not had treatment of any serious nature. She was very concerned for my well being.

I am on medication which I wish I was on many many years ago, so does my counsellor.

With the meds, good therapy and hard work I am not the man I used to be. My wife acknowledges this but I think possibly too much damage has occurred for reconciliation.

I love my wife and always have. Even through the affair years, I loved her.

Now I am left in a place of not knowing what more I can actually do other than showing consistent love and kindness towards her broken heart.

Hoping for a resurrection out of a crucifixion.

Any wisdom out there to help me?

[This message edited by toasted22 at 2:39 AM, April 20th (Saturday)]

scream posted 4/19/2013 18:03 PM

Welcome. I'm sorry your here. But do a lot of reading here and open yourself up to BS responses. Some may be harsh but they are worth taking in. Your post sounds a lot like my situation. I lied, I cheated. I had been in severe depression for most of my adult life and didn't do anything for it. People would say "oh he's just moody". And I was for a reason. As far as not coming clean all at once. I believe its because you were protecting yourself. If you read here you will see most of us who are guilty of doing this did it because we were only afraid of what could happen to us if it all came out. Now that it is you can try and gain her trust back and work towards reconciliation. It is her choice. But its also yours. So make the most of it. There will be setbacks but you need to keep moving forward and don't ever stop reassuring her. Trust me on this. Stay strong and keep posting.

Bumbling posted 4/19/2013 18:28 PM

Total honesty can be really tough, but it truly helps make things better. Besides working with a therapist, what are you doing for your depression? I ask because it can create such muddled thinking that it makes your recovery so much harder.

toasted22 posted 4/20/2013 02:36 AM

Thanks for your encouragements. Yes I realise it is self protection and basically cowardice.

Re my depression I have lots of strategies. Meds, therapy, planning day, supportive friends, goals, checking expectations. Overall my depression is much better than say a year ago.

I will keep posting.

authenticnow posted 4/20/2013 05:40 AM


Welcome to SI. I'm glad you have sought help for your depression. It sounds like you are taking good steps forward in healing...yourself and your marriage.

There really isn't any magic formula, just consistency in the actions that you have been taking. Being truthful all the time, kindness and true remorse helps. It is a very slow, gradual process with a lot of ups and downs.

Keep going, keep posting. We are here for you.

The stop sign is good for when you first get here, when the feelings are still fresh, raw, and kind of scary. You will get many WSs who will tell it like it is-we hold you accountable, that's for sure! You can take the stop sign off if/when you're ready.

Good luck.

Mrs Panda posted 4/20/2013 06:42 AM

My counsellor tells me to be her 'Knight in shining armour' but not her Rescuer

That makes absolutely no sense and is a bunch of hogwash.

You can never be her KISA. Nor should you try to be this magical guy.

You destroyed her. Now you are going to be a KISA?
Can you appreciate how ridiculous that is?

The best you can hppe for is the be a decent human being. A partner. A friend. A good guy. An HONEST guy.

Focus on the honesty. THAT is what you do next. It has been a week of honesty. 0ne week. Be honest, don't justify, don't defend and dig deep to be a good guy, not a knight.

You sound way too caught up in a desparate and dramatic need to show you are changed. There is no resurrection. You don't become someone different. You don't fix it overnight. It takes years. You incorporate those bad parts, understand them, accept them, and move forward. There is patience and consistency.

toasted22 posted 4/20/2013 13:46 PM

Thanks again for the replies.

I realise that there is no magic formula or wand. Just wanting connection with others who have and are walking the same journey and are 'stick withing it' as such.

Re KISA, yeah i know, I am more like a KICT (Knight in crumbled tinfoil)and even that sounds like self pity, uggh.

I am just trying to be a good guy, being consistent in demonstrating love and honesty. That is all I can do.

thanks once again

SI Staff posted 4/20/2013 14:05 PM


Let's keep in mind that toasted is brand new here and is struggling and seeking support. You can give your opinion without being so harsh.

Mrs Panda posted 4/20/2013 17:11 PM

I understand.

My point was to point out what I felt was not great advice from the counselor. I wonder if the need to be a KISA is what drives some of us (men perhaps) towards an A? Or the feeling thhat we are not fulfilling the role of a KISA.

Toasted, you are welcome here and I believe you can make this journey.

toasted22 posted 4/20/2013 20:29 PM

Thanks Mrs Panda, I did wonder about the KISA thingy from the counsellor. Just need affirmations that I can make this journey, which you gave and which I will write in my little notebook to remind myself when things are looking bleak.

Great to be here.

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