First post, probably not the last.
I have had several affairs lasting over a couple of years. Disclosure was about a year ago. I fully confessed about everything though only a week ago. I did this in a letter outlining everything I have done. I gave a copy to my counsellor, an older couple I am accountable to in our church and of course my wife. I wanted to get it checked through by my counsellor to see if there were any hints of justification or any lack of contrition. I am not in a well enough state to make fair judgement on these things, so I am relying on others to give tough but loving feedback. My wife wanted to see the confessional, I sensed it was churning her up that there may well be more that I haven't disclosed, which there was. She now reads it and sees any little thing and considers it a justification for my vile behaviour.
The real pain for her is sadness.
I recently asked her to tell me her feelings and thoughts etc about the affairs and what it has done for her. So with gentle coaxing she told me exactly what it has done for her. I have taken this emotionally into me, embracing her pain and making it my own. I am even more deeply contrite and in pain.
I read a lot of books, blogs etc on reconciliation and I am trying to humanly do everything possible to win my wife's love back. I know its her choice. My counsellor tells me to be her 'Knight in shining armour' but not her Rescuer.
But I fear I maybe too late. Because I dribbled out the truth over such a long time (11 months) and therefore said many lies my wife is now toxic opposed to anything I say that is true. I feel that I am 'Toasted'.
I don't know fully why I held back on telling all. Shame, guilt, fear, depression, poor memory, fear, self loathing therefore wanting to repress and compartmentalise. Don't know why.
I have long standing depression, though only diagnosed as this upon disclosure and after two suicide attempts. The attending psychiatrist was shocked at my situation and story and that I had not had treatment of any serious nature. She was very concerned for my well being.
I am on medication which I wish I was on many many years ago, so does my counsellor.
With the meds, good therapy and hard work I am not the man I used to be. My wife acknowledges this but I think possibly too much damage has occurred for reconciliation.
I love my wife and always have. Even through the affair years, I loved her.
Now I am left in a place of not knowing what more I can actually do other than showing consistent love and kindness towards her broken heart.
Hoping for a resurrection out of a crucifixion.
Any wisdom out there to help me?