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HelpMe123 posted 4/19/2013 21:25 PM

I found out a week ago yesterday my partner of 12 years has been having an emotional affair with someone he met online. He has spoken to her every night since I found out for a minumum of 2 hours. He says they have never even met, but refuses to end it and is telling me to take our son and leave. I have been a wreck ever since. I am begging him to stop and go to counseling with me. Begging him to want to save our family. We have had many issues over the years and have lived in seperate houses that are located across the street from each other for 3 years now. However, let me clearly state we were most definitely a couple. We still had sex, went to dinner, movies, vacation, everything most families do but just not sleep in the same home. He is now downplaying our relationship and telling me I was nothing more then someone to "bang" and how long should he have waited to move on. I said you wait until we ended our relationship and our son and I moved! He is just downright nasty to me since I found out. A week and a half ago we were on a family outing, eating dinner together, everything, and right to this! I am so lost and confused. He tells me I'm delusional for thinking we were a couple over the last 3 years of our 12 years together! That is like a knife through my back into my heart. I truly love him and cannot understand why he is willing to throw his family away for an online/phone affair. I cannot understand why he is so angry with me and he says just go away already. This is all a shock to me. I cannot eat, sleep, or be rational since learning of this and his behavior towards me has just turned. Anyone to message with any advice? Posted: 10:08 PM, April 19th (Friday), 2013

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I would also like to share how I found out about the phone affair. I was home and tried to call him at his dad's house across the street. It was midnight and I had something to inform him of for the next day. His dad has dimensia so he stays between the 2 homes...when I called I could tell by the ring on my end of the phone that he was on the other line. I thought it was weird that he was on the phone so late. I sent him a text saying "call me as soon as you can". A half hour goes by no call. I call him again and he is still on the phone. Like I said being on the phone that late was unusual but being on for longer than 10 minutes was also out of character. I shot him another text, waited another half hour and called again. He was still on the phone. I decided to walk over to make sure everything was ok. I made it as far as the bedroom window and I could hear him clear as day telling her that "my crazy ex wont stop calling me, she is so insane and she wont move out of my house". I was HORRIFIED! I stood there for an hour frozen, listening to him bash me to her, lying to her, and he even bashed his mother (whom he has disowned) to her. I was a MESS after hearing all of this. Why???? Why???? Why is he throwing his family away for her??? Why would any woman who has never even met this man listen to him and BELIEVE IT??????

[This message edited by HelpMe123 at 10:09 PM, April 19th (Friday)]

simplydevastated posted 4/19/2013 21:38 PM

I'm sorry you found us, but you're in a great place. If you haven't already, read through the healing library found in yellow box in the upper left corner.

I'm not sure what to say. If his behavior towards you was normal until you found out he's either pushing you away from pressure from the OW (other woman) or he's lashing out possibly due to guilt. It could be a number of reasons.

More people will be along soon to offer more insight.

(((hugs)))

newlysingle posted 4/19/2013 21:46 PM

(((HelpMe123)))

I'm so sorry that you've had to join this club. It's awful, but you will find that your story is sadly very similar to many of us.

Your SO is blameshifting. Essentially he is villainizing you and your entire relationship to justify his actions. He's making this out to somehow be your fault. Sadly a tactic used by just about all cheaters.

My story is very similar to yours. Married to my STBXH for 8 years. Overall a pretty good marriage. One week he was telling me that he couldn't wait to get home from his work trip so we could celebrate our anniversary, then he got home and blindsided me with wanting a divorce.

He couldn't give me any reason other than that he wasn't happy and he just knew that I wasn't happy either (not true) and how could I not have known. He told me that he had been miserable the 10 years we had been together and never wanted to marry me in the first place.

I then found out he was having an affair about a month later. He has since moved out and is planning on moving this skank in with him as soon as our divorce is final. He also hardly knows this woman as she lives in another state, but he thinks throwing his family away for her is a great idea.

I again wanted to tell you how sorry I am and know that you are not alone. I agree with looking through the articles in the healing library. Definitely work on doing the 180 and having as little contact with him as possible. It really helps in your healing process.

HelpMe123 posted 4/19/2013 22:08 PM

[This message edited by HelpMe123 at 10:12 PM, April 19th (Friday)]

PanicAttack53 posted 4/19/2013 23:32 PM

HM123,

Welcome! I'm so sorry you are going though this and find yourself here. While this may sound like an oxymoron, I’m glad you are here. Please know you are not alone and also that you've found a great support system to help you through this mess.

I'm going to try and be as gentle as possible here but please try and follow along with me as this is a critical time for you right now, both physically and mentally.

Again gently... try to stop obsessing over the "whys" concerning what your SO is doing or saying right now. I know that is easier said than done but the hard facts are that you can't control him or what he "is" doing now, short of shackling him to your bedpost. Additionally, from what you've said, his attitude screams that he could be potentially violent right now. For all those reasons you must detach from him and begin to protect and take of you and your son right now. Please try and follow the steps below. Thet are things we ALL had to do in the beginning:

1. First & foremost... understand that This Is Not Your Fault... ANY of It. Also, please read the "Healing Library" (yellow box, top left of every page). There is lots of info there to help you understand what you’re going through.

2. Please realize that you are in a state of shock. For that reason it is imperative to take good care of YOU and your body now. Try to drink lots of fluids (preferably water... no booze!). Eat small meals and if your tummy is too upset for that, just eat chips and chocolate as they are easy to get down and also do have some nutritional value. Exercise as much as you can, even if it's just walking around the block. Try and get as much sleep as you can. I know this is hard... but you must try.

3. Do not make any big decisions right now. Being that you are in shock, your not thinking straight and there will be time down the road for those.

4. Schedule an appointment with your doctor and ask for meds to help you sleep, and for anxiety if need be. Do not feel ashamed or guilty for doing this as most of us here had to in the beginning.

5. Try and refrain from arguing with your SO right now. You are too raw for that in your present state of mind. Focus instead on getting yourself on solid ground both mentally and physically first. Again, there will be ample time down the road for discussions with SO.

6. Come back and post here often. We are a kindred tribe of individuals who are going, or have gone through what you are now. And… we are here to offer our support to others. So post as much as you want and don’t ever feel like it’s too much. I know I wore my fingers to the bone here in the beginning. When do you post, don’t be embarrassed to vent, rant, cuss, cry, scream… whatever. Trust me when I say we’ve heard it all. The main thing is for you to get it out to someone who understands and we’re here to listen and help if we can.

That's enough on your plate right now. Except to tell you that you CAN and WILL survive this. We’ll be here for you when you need us.

[This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 11:32 PM, April 19th (Friday)]

Skan posted 4/20/2013 16:48 PM

Hi there. I'm so sorry that you have the reason to be here, but so glad that you found us for support.

Unless the house that you're in belongs to your WP along, you don't have to go anywhere. Heck, even if it does belong to him exclusively, you still don't have to go anywhere! "Renters" have rights too. If he wants to be away from you that badly, HE can move out! Right across the street as a matter of fact. Do not let him put you and your child out on the street. What you do have to do is go to a lawyer ASAP and find out exactly what you and your child's rights are. And since you're not married, put a motion in place for child support. But see that lawyer knowledge is power. If you have funds co-mingled, start a bank account with you name on it only and transfer 1/2 of the money into it. Cancel any credit cards that you have jointly and get one in your name only. Don't give him a chance to spend any joint assets on his new lurve.

Come back often for support. We're here for you. (((hugs)))