My point is that after so many months of turmoil and finally getting to the truth, once I reached a point of knowing I had enough of needing to know more, I just feel calm and ready to be done with this phase. I cringe when he wants a hug when dropping off the kids because he is not my friend. Two weeks ago we were supposedly working on our marriage, and every moment my back was turned he was calling and writing her.
I'm done with that. I'll be cordial, but don't hug me and act like buddies. Ugh. Pissed away 9 years of marriage for 22 year old with 2 kids by 2 men (wouldn't judge except now my STBXH is now her man), and our kids are just 2.
What a tool. Both of them.
I had to rant.
What a tool.
Good for you for moving on. You can do this. We have your back.
Big hugs. It's a process. You'll get there.
And while I am and will continue to be cordial for the sake of my children, we are not friends. If he touched me, I would throw up.
Sometimes I've been there and think "rack him up!", but then there's a trigger and a step back comes.
I do notice that the few times I've been in the presence of STBXH, I don't have any attraction, and I cling to that during down times. He's really changed and I see it now, but my heart can't seem to stay where my head is.
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
I'm not manic by nature but I sure did feel manic during False R. Twitchy, paranoid, off-kilter. Ignoring my gut did this to me. This shit really is crazy making.
What a tool. Both of them.
Indeed. What a massive, steaming pile of shit he is. And what a coward.
"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."
You know, I absolutely wouldn't be in this place except the 9 months of going insane looking for clues relentlessly took such a toll. I KNEW things didn't add up. Not to mention the lack of remorse, but that wasn't the only clue. There were so many little things that had changed that he didn't realize he was doing but I definitely noticed. I think it's funny that he apparently forgot who he married. I'm relentless if I want to know something. I have been accused of being overly sensitive in my younger days, but realized over time that I just assess and read what people are doing and I find that I do it quite well.
My bitch boots are definitely on. When I found that secret account, (and thank heavens those two lowly people sure did love to reminisce), my heart hit the floor. I couldn't believe it, yet it backed up every single day of crying and feeling completely crazy for not trusting him.
Once I had a few days to needle out some serious topics about the affair, (and get LOTS of STD tests, thanks fucker), I don't feel that grief. I'll feel it in the lawyer's office. I'll feel it because I'm broke. I'll feel it when I am alone sometimes, but I will be thankful I am living a genuine life, and not a half-life built on lies.
And now I know, the 180 never worked for me, I just couldn't commit to it. HA! Sure works now! EASILY.
Don't want him back. Not. One. Iota.
And I've never posted before this, but I have looked on here since the day I found out about the texts last August, and if I hadn't, I don't know that I would have found out the truth.
Love and hugs to all of you and I wish you the best.
Best thing ever! My lawnmower broke and my neighbor was having a party and one of his HOT friends came and fixed it AND cut the yard!
I looked like utter shit (but strong and capable with that weedeater, y'all), and he could have thought I looked rough, too. But I don't care. He was cute and did something sweet and I had some eye candy!
My ego needed that! Especially since I don't want to find those moments in a bar!
We both went about the rest of our day and I'll probably never see him again, and it doesn't even matter. But having a nice moment really DID matter.
[This message edited by Iamhappytoday at 9:04 PM, April 20th (Saturday)]
My STBX even complained that I fed my kids oatmeal (again! The humanity!), and how was the vibrator he bought her holding up as in investment. Wish he had that kind of curiosity about his marriage.
She'll get knocked up as soon as she gets back, mark my words, then he'll have 5 kids to worry about, someone who doesn't know him well learning all his bad habits, and continued insecurity b/c of her ego and their age difference. He's a paycheck to her.
Thank God I am out. Just hope the settlement doesn't bend my brain further (which it will). But so what. I'm relieved to escape at this point. Ugh! Pants on fire! They can be happy forever and I think they deserve each other.
Mental note to ex:
I fed my kids oatmeal for breakfast a lot because they are small and I was tired and you were gone for days at a time fucking your coworker. No one gets STD tests after eating oatmeal. Just sayin'.
[This message edited by Iamhappytoday at 9:47 PM, April 20th (Saturday)]
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
shit shit shit
I need an edit button! I was doing so well!!!! So disappointed with myself. Will try better tomorrow.
UPDATE: I removed the letter. At this point have no idea what will come back to haunt me. It has certainly ticked him off, so no telling how cutthroat he'll be with divorce negotiations now. Oh well. We shall see.
[This message edited by Iamhappytoday at 1:17 PM, April 21st (Sunday)]
There is nothing, absolutely nothing that you can say to him that will make him 'see' what he's doing.
The biggest lies are the ones they tell themselves.
Don't waste any more energy in his direction. Trust me on this. NC is the biggest fuck you of all but the best part of it is it helps you become impervious to their fuckery.
In time what he does/doesn't do will not grind your gears, it will hardly register beyond a chuckle every now and then. Actions that once cut so deep soon become the antics of a sad clown.
The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed
^^^^^^^^ LOVE THIS ^^^^^^
I can't comprehend treating someone I profess to "love" as badly as he treated me. He feels no remorse, he has completely rewritten history to believe that we were done and over in truth before he ever fucked her, when in fact we had a better sex life than ever, going to marriage counseling, communicating better then we had ever before. I don't GET IT. I can't absorb it.
I am, however, DONE. Good riddance to him. I am heartbroken and devastated but filled with resolve. I. Don't. Want. Him. Back. STAY AWAY.
Good for you IAHT. And even if you broke NC, I bet writing that made you feel better. There's always tomorrow to pursue NC. Sometimes you can't help but lash out, even if it comes back to hurt you. Don't beat yourself up too badly.
Their baby was born in Sept and they are happily househunting. He finally left 4/03.