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I found the OW

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HelpMe123 posted 4/20/2013 19:19 PM

I put a gps locator on a spare smart phone and stuffed it under my partner's seat in his car. He told me 10 days ago he met someone online and was speaking on the phone to her so at that point it was an EA. I was devastated. However after putting the phone in the car it took all of 30 minutes to find her. He left our son's bday party before all guests left to go be with her. I was nervous to send to message to the phone to find its location. When I saw it was only 2 miles away I immediatly jumped into my car and went there, it took 5 minutes. I want to say luckily for me it was a very long driveway so I could not go un-noticed if I went up it. This only gets worse doesn't it? I seriously just want to DIE

Nogoingback posted 4/20/2013 19:23 PM

Wow, a spare smartphone? Genius. I didn't even think of that.

Dark Inertia posted 4/20/2013 19:34 PM

Oh, I am so sorry. :( Are you for sure it is her?

HelpMe123 posted 4/20/2013 19:36 PM

It has to be. I googled the address and paid for an infor report. 1 person owns and lives in the home. I have her name, her bday (of course she's younger then me), and he is there now.

newnormal posted 4/20/2013 19:49 PM

Are you ok?

Take a deep breath and go into stealth mode. Dont tell him you know, he might take it under ground

NoraLee posted 4/20/2013 19:50 PM

Aren't you glad you put that phone in the car? The truth does cause pain but you need the whole story - only 2 miles away? Did it really start online then (or is that just how they safely communicated?)

I'm going to offer you my advice - and then it's yours to do with as you wish.

I firmly believe that you have to be willing to lose your M in order to save it. I tried to love my H back to fidelity and while he was the model of remorse - he only took the A underground. When I discovered everything a month later - I broke down for nearly 24 hours - we were on our way back from vacation and it was a LONG 12 hour drive with the kids in the van. But when we unpacked the van - I took him aside and calmly told him I wanted a divorce. I admitted to being scared but I couldn't control him and he obviously needed his ow more than our marriage. I told him I loved him and I knew he loved me - but I would not live another second with her in our marriage. I laid out my plan - I had a big cheque coming in from work and I would give him money for first and last months rent. We would sell the house and do our back taxes to get the money to pay down our debt. I was calm and collected - and I meant every word - and he knew it.

I promised not to tell his dr about his giving his pain pills to ow if he promised not to screw me on child support (bulk of his money is tips) and I would not out their drug dealers (at work) nor would I share with work the drugs they were doing on the job if he made sure our kids never set eyes on her during visitation.

The outcome? He went NC that night - the next day took a 6 week stress leave and came clean about the whole EA...he didn't know D was off the table for 3 more months...

I had no way of knowing how he would respond - and to be honest - I didn't care - I just knew I was worth better than he was giving and I'd rather be alone than with someone who could continue to hurt me. I was terrified at the thought of divorce but I was more terrified of going through his bullshit for another day.

I can't guarantee your marriage will survive this - but I promise - YOU will - no matter what happens. Whatever your next course of action - we are here for you. We all want to help you through this and you won't be alone even if it's only through virtual computer world...good luck and I am truly sorry you're suffering through this...

[This message edited by NoraLee at 8:05 PM, April 20th (Saturday)]

HelpMe123 posted 4/20/2013 19:53 PM

I am in stealth mode....although if I see him I might kill him. I dont know how it started but I doubt online. He just keeps lying and lying and yelling at me like I did something wrong. I am meeting a lawyer tomorrow and a counselor on Tuesday. Then god only knows. I do have intentions of going to the house one day to inform her of the truth. I am certain he has been lying to her and playing it like he's single with a crazy ex who calls and texts, I know this because I heard him on the phone one night. If she chooses to keep his ass after that, that's her problem. But nontheless this hurts like nothing I have ever felt.

[This message edited by HelpMe123 at 7:55 PM, April 20th (Saturday)]

Ashland13 posted 4/20/2013 20:02 PM

Hi HelpMe,

I'm sorry for what you're going through. The emotions are so strong and hard, aren't they? This is a good place and I've found a lot of comfort here. I hope you will too.

My STBXH told OW he was a widower and then when it turned to PA he confessed and she kept him anyway!

Supposedly she is two hours away but he lives there now and makes no secret of it.

I wish you well and peace during your decision making process. It's so hard to learn of all the sneaking they do right under our noses! STBXH here did it right in our house with the dating websites, porn and other stuff online.

The lies are some of the hardest part for me, especially when I hear him lie to DD.

The smart phone was a great idea, you've got more guts than me! I wanted to deny it for a while but finaly could not. I found out from OW herself on a holiday, so at least you can know ahead of her and figure out what to do, if she truly doesn't know about you.

Laura28 posted 4/20/2013 20:16 PM

Hi honey

Yes it is all so awful but you are going so well.

I read some of your previous posts and nearly responded to say I'll bet there is so much more. I often feel this way on SI but bite my tongue thinking it's just me being paranoid because of my history.

But now....well clearly he has been at it for a while. I hate to say it but she may not be the only one or even his first. It is vital for you to get to the bottom of his philandering. To do that you need to stay calm and think carefully (so much easier said than done but you really need to try). It is SO important that you not believe a thing he says. Please remember this. The only things you will EVER be sure about are things you see with your own eyes or hear with your own ears. You cannot trust anything else.

It is also crucial to not tell him your sources. Under no circumstances ever!!!! Even years down the track if you eventually end up in R do NOT tell him. (I will send you a pm with more on this).

When you do confront say very little. Ask a basic question eg "Where have you been?" and let him talk. When he lies bite your tongue. Say nothing. If you must just repeat the question. If he asks you questions eg "Why do you want to know?" stay silent. Don't answer. Liars and cheats hate silence. They feel the need to fill it. Let him. Listen. Watch his body language. You need to learn about his body language when he is lying.

Try not to cry. Do not yell or scream. Listen. Watch.

Get angry. Coldly angry. It will protect you now and in the future until you get this crap sorted out.



HelpMe123 posted 4/20/2013 20:27 PM

I am seriously in a state of daze. I am however educated in LAW! It is so hard to remove emotion but at this point I don't want him. I feel worthless, ugly, old (37, she's 32, he's 47)and I hate myself right now. Why is he throwing us away for her? He screams at me to move far away as soon as possible and all he knows is that I know of a phone affair!!!! If he know I am going all PI on him he would freak. He has called me stalker and says I am harrassing him if I call or text. That's why I put the phone in the car.

Laura28 posted 4/20/2013 20:34 PM

Hold on honey.

Stay calm. Deep breaths.

I don't know if you have read about 180 but this is what you need to do now.

Stay away from him as much as possible. Go for a walk. Get away from him until you can calm down.

He is in the fog. I don't really know your sich but PLEASE do whatever to takes to look after yourself.

I would send him one more text and then stop all communication. Simply say "If your GF is so important to you, go and live with her. Unlike her I will NEVER knowingly share you with someone else". Then no matter what his response is stay silent. Do not engage.

Until he is on his knees begging, pleading and crying for you to take him back ignore him.

Take control honey.



NoraLee posted 4/20/2013 20:36 PM

People with nothing to hide - hide nothing. People who are secretive protect their secret life at all costs. And because you're threatening to blow up the fantasy, he's making you public enemy #1. Don't argue it with him - you won't convince him otherwise. Have you read about the 180? I think you're ready for it and it will help you detach and focus on taking care of you....he's gas lighting you - trying to convince you you're the nutty one for "over reacting" and he's the one that will have to leave - not you. Your head is in a good place right now (under the circumstances) - keep posting when you need strength...

HelpMe123 posted 4/20/2013 20:36 PM

The problem is our son...I don't want my son NEAR him!!!

HelpMe123 posted 4/20/2013 20:37 PM

Where do I find the 180 and the terms like gaslighting?

Laura28 posted 4/20/2013 20:45 PM

In essence:

180 is mostly about helping you to detach and a little about showing him you can survive with out him.

Do not communicate with him. If you must answer any question single words are best. Keep it to the minimum. Take your son out and do something you both enjoy. Even if it is only going to a park and kicking a ball.

Anything to make you feel better. Go meet a friend for coffee.

Gaslighting simply means telling you lies and making you feel like you are crazy for thinking the things you do. Gaslighting is the number one weapon of the unremorseful spouse who wants to "cake eat" - keep his whore and you too. They try to make you believe that you are nuts for not believing their bullshit. Be careful. They can be VERY convincing.



PS Did you check my pm?

brokensmile322 posted 4/20/2013 20:47 PM

Hugs! You can do this.

daledge posted 4/20/2013 20:51 PM

You are receiving excellent advice here. You need to follow it. Go to the Healing Library.
The 180 is essentially putting him in Siberia. You need to do that right now. Yes, go see a lawyer; yes go see a therapist!
Don't have any contact with her thought. She is trash. This issue is between you and your husband. Keep it that way, unless, of course, she's married, then tell her husband.

Good luck! Stay calm though.

hopefulmother posted 4/21/2013 11:29 AM

Have you looked the OW up on FB? You could always send her a message. Just try not to sound crazy, but more matter-of-fact. State your relationship with him. Inform her of the children and how he treated his son. Break up the fantasy they share with the reality that until several days ago, the two of your were committed. Post the message here first, then get everyone's responses. Find out from her how long it has been going on. I agree with most. You are better off without him. He hasn't treated you right in three yrs. You don't really know how long the A has been going on. WS do nothing, but lie till they are out of the fog. I am not sure if he is in a fog or is really checked out of your relationship. He has had three yrs to start checking out according to him. You know yourself and your heart. If you really want it to work, he has to be a part of it and it sounds like he doesn't at all.

HelpMe123 posted 4/21/2013 11:44 AM

OMG! The police were just here!!! After my WS has been pretty MIA all weekend with the OW he found the phone and went to the police for a PFA!!!! I was horrified!!! Not only did HE go but SHE did as well!!! WTF

inknots posted 4/21/2013 11:51 AM

Did you tell the police WHY you planted the phone? Your husband is out of control to be actively cheating and go on the offensive like that. Sounds like some seriously narcissistic traits. Please, please be careful with him. You have no idea what else he is capable of at this point.

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