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Jada52 posted 4/20/2013 21:17 PM

I found out a few weeks ago that my spouse had reconnected with an old HS girlfriend. That have talked off and on for the past 30+ years, no big deal to me, she was a friend.I was looking at our cell phone bill and saw her number on it several times, both incoming and outgoing. I was not sure who it was at first and did a reverse look up, it was the old GF.I asked him why so many calls and he said to catch up. I told him she could call/text somebody else's husband. I was hurt and ticked off. So that night he came home and goaded me into getting mad about it. I have not argued with him the last several times he has tried to argue, I just tell him I am not arguing. Anyway, he said I like talking to her, she is funny, she has a great personality and makes me feel good about myself and if you don't like it file the papers and I will sign then. WTH?

He slept on sofa, next morning I told him to get up and lets decide what to do. I made a list, told him to move to the guest room and what he could take out of the house when he left. So the next Sat after work he went to see her "to catch up". I lit into him when he got home. He feels because he told me he was going to "catch up" I should be ok with it, I am not. The phone calls have continued daily, 2-3 times a day for nearly an hour each time. I am livid. I have started counseling just to help me cope. We have tried to talk about it, but he ends up telling me all my faults and why the marriage is no longer working and I end up crying.

I went to see family this past week and they talked more than ever, one night for 5 hours. I called him, he missed call but called me right back. Then after we got off phone he called her back, he was on the phone with her when I called. I am not 100% sure he saw her while I was gone, but not sure he did not. She lives about 2 hours away.

Our anniversary is this week. I think he is waiting until that is over before he leaves. She is divorced 3 times and her last husband cheated on her, I am his 3rd wife. I cannot believe they think they are the same 16 years old they were or that they still have anything in common.

I am just hurt over the thought of my marriage ending I don't know what to do; wait for him to go, tell him to go, confront her (and then he leaves for sure) or let it rock on and see what happens. One daughter told me it was just phone conversation, the other said kick him out. I go back to my counselor on Tuesday so that will help me cope better. One day I don't care if he leaves, the next I am all weepy and don't want him to go. We both were too stubborn to realize we were imploding from within and now he has her to talk to instead of me. I do not want him to continue with the conversations, however I can't control what he does. I also know this is not healthy for me nor him either but not sure I have the courage to kick him out.

We have been together 15 years and married 9 come the 24th. I am just sad/hurt

Sorry for the rambling, but needed to post it.

simplydevastated posted 4/20/2013 21:41 PM

Ramble away, but never apologize for it. That's what this site and members are here for.

I'm sorry you're going through this and I'm sorry he's being so callous about what he's doing and about your pain. It's not right. He is so deep in the "fog" he can't see what all this is doing to you.

You will get through this. Take it one step at a time.


HelpMe123 posted 4/20/2013 21:58 PM

I am a new member, joined yesterday, and all I do is post and beg the other people on here for help. It has been amazing! What an amazing group of people here!!! I am still in shock and I am find new evidence daily on my WS. I feel lost and I post here and I feel much better. I cry because I want to fix it now, I get angry I want move out now...One thing is certain I am learning to vent here rather then on my WS. I guess he needs something younger, new, exciting oh and she doesnt have kids...we have 6 between 3 him 2 and we share 1. So great he can be single and free of all responsibilites with her...sorry to get off track...keep posting here its so helpful

RockyMtn posted 4/20/2013 22:09 PM

I'm sorry, Jada.

it was just phone conversation

Hours upon hours upon hours. Not just a single phone conversation. He has purposely hurt you by going on and on about how great she is. He has chosen to ignore how much this hurts you.

I can't control what he does.

Very true. It takes a lot of people much longer than you to come to this conclusion. You can only control yourself and your responses. Have you read up on the 180 in the healing library? That might be a start. You may not want to make any rash decisions right now. At the same time, you don't have to decide your every move with his response in mind.

Keep posting.

Omahahurt posted 4/20/2013 23:09 PM

I have been a member three days and am in a very similar boat as you. I am really trying right now to decide if it is being married or him that I want. Posting here and all the feedback has been amazing for me. I especially like the emails with responses. They are like little encouraging words that come randomly throughout the day. I am approaching my situation as my marriage as I knew it has ended. I have to give up control of that, but that doesnt mean something new cant grow out of the rubble that is. Hang in there!

Jada52 posted 4/21/2013 11:29 AM

Thanks guys for the comments. I read here before I joined and I liked all the encouragement to others hurting.

He told me they were just friends, had been for years and I could get over it, or better yet he says I do not understand friendship because I have no friends. That is a lie, I have a few really close friends, but we don't feel the need to rip and run the roads every day. He don't understand that because all his other wives/GFs did - well I am not them and I don't need all that at this point in my life. We get together for dinner a few times a month or a shopping trip on occasion.

I actually was a caregiver for a relative for 5 years that passed away last year. It hit me pretty hard, but he said I ignored him during that time and even after he passed away. Looking back now I guess I did, but he could take care of himself, the relative could not. I also have a job and a home to take care of. But nothing I do seems to please him.

IMO, and this is just me thinking and knowing the way he is, he is not going to leave unless she tells him to come on and move in with her. He keeps says "we" "our" and "us" and I am about to say there is no WE until you stop spending hours on the phone with another woman. After I visit with my counselor on Tuesday I will feel more empowered to say what needs to be said hopefully without crying.

He blames me for everything, all my fault, my attitude etc. His sister told me at Christmas I must be a saint because I have been with him longer than any other woman.

BTW, I learned a long time ago that I cannot control what anyone else does/says but I can control how I react to it, most times I don't react at all and he takes it as "neglect". It makes me physically ill to argue and I choose not to. If we can discuss in a rational manner fine if not then you have the conversation alone.

I love this man, always have and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but not under these circumstances. I would rather be alone than with him like it is. We are both 60 and she is 59. I heard another friend say once that this one always had the "hots" for my husband. Lets see how hot she has it when he goes off on her over the way she dusts furniture because if she wants him that bad, she may just get him.

I wish I had of thought of the GPS phone for both vehicles while I was gone, that was genius, pure genius. He has it on his phone, but cannot search it because it sends an email saying it has been located. I tried that on mine to be sure.

hopefulmother posted 4/21/2013 11:36 AM

They are having an EA. Which could very well have been PA if he did meet up with her to "catch up". There is NO GOOD REASON for him to "catch up" with an old friend like this of the opposite sex. Most likely it sounds like they are living out the "what if I took a different road" with old crushes. 180 his butt.

Jada52 posted 4/21/2013 12:19 PM

I so want to confront her, but guessing it is not a good idea. I don't get it, she was crushed when she found out husband #3 cheated on her - how is what she is doing any different? I am the one punched in the gut this time instead of her.

Thinkingtoomuch posted 4/21/2013 12:59 PM

Jada, I went back in your post and saw you are WS's 3rd wife? And a family member said you're a saint as you've been with him the longest of his wives? And you've been married 9 yrs.? And you're 60?

I'd say he may be a misogynist and/or have problems the size of you were not aware of. My xwf was 54 when we met, we were engaged and living together 7 1/2 years, and after Dday I started putting together that he never really told me the truth about his 26 yr. marriage and why his xw and daughter were not nice to him after the divorce. Boy, did that set me up for some things that made me look bad in our relationship and that's the memory he left with.

Makes me so mad. I was so loyal to him, that he never deserved. I believe now his xw and daughter had big reasons to not be nice and maybe he cheated on xw too.

From my experiences with misogynists (don't like women but pretend they do), especially if they're older, they need heavy IC of which many don't get. They might start nitpicking away at some of the smallest and biggest things you do and you're off and running. I recognized this and stay away immediately. A relationsip with one sets you up for very slow and agonizing confusing pain that can be difficult to identify.

I was 61 when I got Dday with xf 2 yrs. ago. Not exactly the good years to look towards another relationship.

To thine own self be true!

Just some thoughts. Good luck. And read, read, read the yellow box and post here. Take care of yourself. This is all crazymaking. Drink water and keep eating.


undonelife posted 4/21/2013 13:30 PM

"He blames me for everything, all my fault, my attitude etc. His sister told me at Christmas I must be a saint because I have been with him longer than any other woman. "

Yeah,I got the same from my WS! They r totally oblivious they r rewriting history ! I've seen others on here say not to believe a word he says while he is in this fantasy land called the fog. It's too bad the sister didn't give you the information about him before you married him. Big hugs to you. It does get better. I'm 5 months out & it does get better. Begging & reasoning wont help. They dont hear it. Go 180 on him!

Jada52 posted 4/22/2013 12:14 PM

@thinkingtoomuch - yes we have been married 9 years this Wednesday, have been together 15 years this Wed. We are both 60. I am his 3rd wife, he is my second husband (first passed away). I know I can be hard to get along with sometimes, but he has known this from the beginning. I accept responsibility for my mistakes in the marriage falling apart, however he don't - he says all my fault because I neglected him. He does nitpick the most stupid things, things that don't matter at the end of the day. I have never so much as looked at another guy while I have been with him and I have had a few chances to cheat on him, never would because it is not my nature.

@undonelife - Not sure I would have believed the sister or anyone else for that matter back then. I knew how long he had been with the two ex wives, the first one was bat crap crazy and they were married 5 years I think, had two kids and she made his life miserable until the last one turned 18. The second one got tired of all the BS caused by the first one, she kept them in court over the kids etc., she finally got fed up and left. I am sure there is more to that story tho. I worked with him for about 2 years before we hooked up. I knew his then GF and she was in the process of splitting up with him. She was several years younger so she met someone closer to her age and wanted out. When she left, we went to dinner, movies etc., I was his shoulder, but then of course that became more serious and bam here we are 15 years later. That sister telling me that was the first indication I had from any of his family about him. I was surprised to say the least at her remark.

We have been having issues over the past few years, but not like this. I doubt this would have come this far had he not started talking to her more. He is not going to leave unless there is a sure thing waiting on him, knew that from his past.

Our anniversary is Wednesday, I figure he is waiting until that is past before he says anything. If he don't I will. Not having all this phone convo stuff going on and him being a jerk most of the time. If she does not let him move in he needs to get an apartment someplace because I am not leaving my home. I have been nice, have not gotten snarky with him and I bite my tongue when he says, we, ours, us. Just trying to
get thru a couple more days.

Thanks for the input. I have been reading a lot on this site. cannot read it much at home because he can see my laptop from where he site

Phoenix1 posted 4/22/2013 13:20 PM

His sister told me at Christmas I must be a saint because I have been with him longer than any other woman.

My own DD told me something similar just recently about her own father, along the lines of, "you are a better person than me for lasting this long because I would have kicked his sorry ass out a long time ago."

If he is not willing to quit the EA, then he is not committed to you or the M. Actions speak volumes.

Jada52 posted 4/22/2013 13:47 PM

If he is not willing to quit the EA, then he is not committed to you or the M. Actions speak volumes.

No he is not. I really think we are both to the end of the rope. I can't believe either one of them thinks I would be ok with all the phone calls/texts.

He did say that she said I had every right to be upset - oh ya think?

They must think I am stupid or something. Got news for them, far from it and KARMA will give them all she has one day

[This message edited by Jada52 at 1:48 PM, April 22nd (Monday)]

Jada52 posted 4/24/2013 09:24 AM

Today is our anniversary. Not a happy day for either of us. I told him we need to discuss the elephant in the room, decide to try and save the marriage or end it. Maybe we will have this discussion tonight. He said he still loves me, but a lot of things have happened. I also think the OW is pulling on him to leave. I am heart broken and he is sad. We cannot go on this way or at least I can't.

BFForever posted 4/24/2013 12:59 PM


Jada52 posted 4/25/2013 12:22 PM

Thanks BFForver. Today I am all teary and have to be in the office. Only so many times I can pass it off as allergies.

We had a great dinner out last night for anniversary. He did not even call the OW at all yesterday, but this morning on way to work, they started back up.

He has to work half day Saturday and if he tells me he is going to see her after work, as he did the last time he worked on Saturday, then I will tell him to come get his things and stay over there. I told him yesterday we need to make a decision to fix things or move on. I cannot stand the not knowing. I have to tell my boss tomorrow or Monday. They realize something is wrong and they need to hear it from me over someone else. I just HATE these feelings.

Jada52 posted 4/27/2013 09:23 AM

WS says he is working today, 1/2 day, no way I can know for sure. Last half day he went to see her after he got off. So today if he goes to see her, I will be done, will tell him to pack his clothes and go. Then I will call/text her and tell her she wants him she has him but she better keep his weird a$$ and not send him back.

Talked to my boss yesterday, he told me one day and one problem at a time, not to think about what may happen in future, just deal with the problem in front me right then. Sad he was there to help with attorneys or whatever I may need. He did say that he and the other boss knew something was wrong and also knew I would come to them sooner or later to let them know. There is just 3 of us there, so I guess passing tears off as allergies did not work as well as I thought it would

WS acts like all is fine except he talks to OW 2-3 times a day. I told him we need to make a decision because I was not comfortable living like this. One day I want him gone, the next not so much. I am an emotional mess. Wish I did not own my house, I would leave

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