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If WH was truly my bf then how could he....

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27yearsnowlost posted 4/20/2013 21:20 PM

Both WH and I started to read "not just friend." In the end of chapter two it talk about making your spouse your bf.....well we were bf. I had to to put down because I started to cry. I don't know what to believe anymore.

woundedby2 posted 4/21/2013 01:52 AM

Big hugs. It absolutely sucks to be betrayed by someone you had placed all your trust in. Hoping tomorrow is a better day for you.

confused615 posted 4/21/2013 05:18 AM

He wasn't. Or,at least,he stopped at some point.

YOU were his best friend. But best friends don't destroy..they support..they love..they treat with respect.


catlover50 posted 4/21/2013 08:05 AM

He lost his way. He got overwhelmed by his compulsions and gave in to his baser self. He was not thinking of you.

Clearly not the behavior of a friend, but if he is clearly remorseful and does the work he can prove to be your friend again.

Ashland13 posted 4/21/2013 08:32 AM

I felt like that too. STBXH was my bff, my confidant,we cared for each other when we were sick and so on. We had a world of our own for a long while.

It is part of my shock in the face of pure and absolute abandonment because he was really my sole support system and he created that-I know that I also let it happen and that wasn't right, but how to know the future?

One of the hard parts seems to be in the dawn of realizing that our H or W was off thinking something else while we were being M, BFF, still having the feelings and doing all the right things. Yet in the dark, WS are off doing who knows what.

I tend to tell myself that he did feel the same for a long while and there are people who confirm it who were close to us as a couple. I could not face knowing the last 20 years was a lie and I think only the last year and a half were.

In my mind, the idea of making your spouse your BF is kind of like attatching your emotions together and making a connection that way.

Ashland13 posted 4/21/2013 08:35 AM

I think Catlover has it spot on and compulsions or impulses or base physical desires get the better of people and maybe they are able to disconnect their hearts from their minds.

In my agony my heart and mind are not together, so maybe its possible, but still not something I can truly fathom.

I would be interested to know how many WS are NPD as it has that tendancy to not attatch emotions in a lot of cases.

27yearsnowlost posted 4/21/2013 09:24 AM

WH read my post, then asked me what am I thinking.....I said you read my post....then he doesn't say anything!!! If he did not want to know then why did he ask me?? A few minutes later I had to tell that this is not going to work if he does thing like that. I opened the door and he slammed it closed. Why did it take me saying something to say he is sorry? Sorry for the vent....

27yearsnowlost posted 4/21/2013 09:27 AM

Oh he told me to keep reading to book it will help.

SoVerySadNow posted 4/21/2013 15:55 PM

I've read several BS say that the book upsets them. I haven't read it yet, so I'm not sure, but I imagine it would make me upset for the same reason after reading your post.
I hope that your WH can begin communicating with you better soon. He seems to make attempts- does he get overwhelmed and run? Mine still has trouble facing the emotions since he shielded himself from them for so long. It's unfamiliar and intense for him.
Wishing you luck.

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