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Help Now going to confront

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HelpMe123 posted 4/20/2013 21:20 PM

Someone please help me, he is with her at a local pizza place. I want to walk in and act surprised to bust him!!!!

sailorgirl posted 4/20/2013 21:25 PM

Do you have hard evidence of the A such as printed emails that say they had sex, screen shots of texts, or sexts?

Because I have never heard of a WS still in the A who would admit to anything unless there was proof. Yours will lie his cheating ass off about how she was giving him Italian lessons or stalking him or starving on the street so he had to take her for pizza.

Hugs, and I would wait for wiser, more experienced posters to suggest a different plan of action.

Laura28 posted 4/20/2013 21:25 PM

Hold on honey.

I am not sure you are ready.

You need to think this through. I am not sure what you would gain from it.

He will gaslight and you have no "proof" of anything untoward in the pizza shop. You need to protect what you do know.

I think that being in shock you need to ensure you do not react impulsively and do something you may regret later.



simplydevastated posted 4/20/2013 21:32 PM

Don't go without hard evidence, and if you do still go, bring a trusted friend with you for support.


HelpMe123 posted 4/20/2013 21:35 PM

A good friend of mine was literally 1 block away from the pizza place when I texted him what was going on. When my friend arrived he say my WS leaving in the car. I guess fate played that one out for me.

MammaMia posted 4/20/2013 21:39 PM

I sent you a pm

k9lover1 posted 4/20/2013 23:28 PM

Gently, what is the point?

You two are not married, you don't live together, he has told you to move out of the house that you are currently residing in which he owns (if I understand that correctly.)

Maybe what you should do is this:

1. See a lawyer and set up child support asap:

2. Find someplace else to live and move on with your life.

You can't force him to come back - he's checked out of the relationship. He has used you for sex and companionship for years now - time to find someone who can commit to you.

HelpMe123 posted 4/20/2013 23:56 PM

Gently what is the point? The point is just because we do not have a marriage on paper does not make our relationship less then anyone else's on here. We have raised 5 non shared kids together for 12 years and have a young child together. We have had a few rough patches but were ALWAYS committed to our relationship. Why would I want to move with 4 kids? Why would I want to give up my partner? Because on paper is not my husband?

betraydtwice posted 4/21/2013 01:22 AM

I am same way 22 yrs but not on paper

PanicAttack53 posted 4/21/2013 01:39 AM

Whoa HM123,

Slow down a bit. Take a deep breath. No one is trying to say that your relationship isn't just as important as any other here. I know you're hurt, angry and raw right now... but just for future reference, you'll discover that not "all" the advice you receive here will always be agreeable to you. Also, please know that when someone puts "Gently" in front of what they say, it means "this may seem harsh, but it's intended to help not hurt you."

Please know that the advice given out here is not intended in any way to berate or upset you further. Remember that we are... or were BS's too. We know first hand how painful this shitty mess can be. We also understand that this is "YOUR" life not ours. I always say to new BS's here... take what you can use from the advice I or others give and disregard the rest because while every situation here is eerily similar in some ways... it's unique in others.

As for your situation last night, I'm glad it didn't work out. While it may have seemed at the time like it would help you to get some of your frustration out, confrontation in a public place without hard evidence is always a bad idea. It never accomplishes what the BS intended and in fact can do more harm due to coming off to SO & OW as being out of control.

I know this is hard for you to hear now but please try and be patient. Bide your time and collect your evidence. Then confront with that evidence in a non public place. I believe you'll get much more mileage out of doing it this way.

Stay strong and hang in there.


[This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 1:42 AM, April 21st (Sunday)]

gonnabe2016 posted 4/21/2013 01:50 AM

Why would you want to move and give up your partner? Honest answer....because he's a total douche. He's no partner to you.

Re-read this:

I could hear him clear as day telling her that "my crazy ex wont stop calling me, she is so insane and she wont move out of my house". I was HORRIFIED! I stood there for an hour frozen, listening to him bash me to her, lying to her, and he even bashed his mother

He has spoken to her every night since I found out for a minumum of 2 hours.

refuses to end it and is telling me to take our son and leave

telling me I was nothing more then someone to "bang"

He tells me I'm delusional for thinking we were a couple over the last 3 years

And from this morning:
I think its a pretty good guess that my partner's online/phone affair just turned into a PA

he never came home and it's now 11 am. Today is our son's birthday party to top it all off.

You can't force him to be in a relationship with you. And for whatever crazy, fucked-up, stupid reason he's got...he's decided that his relationship with you isn't what he wants.

He needs a big old bucket of cold water dumped on his head. See a L about getting an order for child support put into place and get the hell away from this abusive asshole.

simplydevastated posted 4/21/2013 06:27 AM

After reading all the posts it sounds as if you're trying to hang onto a relationship that may have just run its course. You've been with him through thick-and-thin for along time, so you want to try hang-on and make it work. That's great! However, and this is a HUGE however, he's already broken up with you, at least in his own mind. He is not going to work on this relationship and it takes two to make it work.

If you go with any public confrontation, always bring a trusted friend with you. The last thing you need with four children is for him to slap you with a restraining order.

I would take the others advice and see a lawyer about getting custody papers in place.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.


homewrecked2011 posted 4/21/2013 08:01 AM

I made the mistake of confronting before I had solid evidence that he could not deny. Then they went underground so it even freaked me out more. Please see an atty on a free consultation and ask him who is a good PI in the area. If you had a PI on him, he would have gotten video of them together, kissing, etc etc.

Then, take the video the PI is going to give you to file papers making sure you and the children can stay in the house.

Then send the video to everyone in his family and her H if she's married. THEN confront him.

This is the cold water over the head trick.

Do it now while he thinks he is in the clear.

Be calm. Be Sandra Bullock calm. She is my role model thru all of this. She would not have had Jesse James chasing after HER if she was all over town chasing after HIM.

Do this right and he might wake up!


[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 8:02 AM, April 21st (Sunday)]

Althea posted 4/21/2013 08:16 AM

My sister went through something similar with her STBX. They have three children, and although they had some problems and were even separated for a time, she was blindsided by his decision to cheat. She did everything she could to try to save their marriage because she believed very strongly, as a child of divorce, that it was better for her children to be raised in an in-tact home. This is how it went down for her: she took abuse most of the time, listened to her WH rewrite the marital history and demonize her to all of their friends and in the community while he justified his relationship with AP. He would keep her hooked in by every now and then crying and acting like he got it. Hell, he even slept with her once. This went on for a year. Finally, she realized what he was really doing was going a year without paying child support or spousal support. He had no intention of even filing for divorce because he had it all. She was playing into his "my ex-wife is a crazy stalker" story, and he was getting away without taking care of his family.

Who knows whether you will end up in this scenario. I offer this as a cautionary tale, because sticking around and trying to talk reason into an unremorseful spouse is signing up for a world of abuse, IMO. Take care of yourself. If he is a partner who deserves you, walking away will wake him up. Mostly though, it will protect you and your children.

HelpMe123 posted 4/21/2013 08:16 AM

To respond to GonnaBe...Why would I want him...because in my screwed up mind I love him. Maybe deep down it's not him I love. I really don't know at this point. Moving out of the house requires quitting my job and relocating 120+ miles away. I moved away from my friends and family long ago to be here with him. Picking up 3 kids and relocating knowing no one. I cannot stay in the area we are in now due to it is WAY to expensive for even rent, and I would need the help of family and friends in either place and back home is that support system for me, not here. I do majorly fear uprooting everyone to move back. I am still in the fog as it's only been 11 days since D-Day. I will reinforce what I said previously. We were always committed to our relationship and to have him say and do what he has been for the last week and a half is just so blindsiding it really knocked me on my ass.

k94ever posted 4/21/2013 08:34 AM

HM, file for Child Support. He needs to financially support his kid(s). Does your state recognize common-law marriage? Check into it and you might be able to get some type of spousal support.

Sadly as others have pointed out, he is no longer interested in a relationship with you. You did nothing wrong and deserve better than what he is giving you.

Hold your head up and go see a lawyer to find out your rights.



HelpMe123 posted 4/21/2013 08:43 AM

My state phased out Common Law Marriage in 2005. However, we met criteria because we were together before and I actually do have a chance (small one) to file for a divorce, spousal support. The thing is proving common law marriage...I will find the info and post it here maybe to see if anyone has any opinions. I am meeting with lawyer tomorrow but I would truly prefer to get help for our family before throwing in the towel.

k9lover1 posted 4/21/2013 09:09 AM

Whose decision was it 3 years ago to live in separate houses and what was the reason for that.

Also, do you take care of his children as well as your own?

[This message edited by k9lover1 at 9:09 AM, April 21st (Sunday)]

Theradin posted 4/21/2013 09:49 AM

Ouch! So sorry for your pain.

I agree that confronting him in public may not serve any purpose other than to validate in his own twisted mind that you are NOT someone he wants to be with. Because, you see, in his mind, he would interpret it as though you are 'ruining' his new life. Sounds totally fucked up, but that is how they think! That is how a WS thinks when they are either in the 'fog' or just plain done with the relationship and can't be mature enough to talk to you about it and respect your feelings.

As many others have said, the best thing for you now is to seek an attorney and start working on yourself and protecting the safety and well being of you and the kids. Let him go live what he thinks is a 'satisfying' life. It'll surely blow up in his face at some point. You'll likely get the last laugh, if you even care at that point.

Be strong!

daledge posted 4/21/2013 10:05 AM

I think I might be one to understand what you are going through.

You do need to consult a lawyer, immediately.

Start seeing a therapist as well to help you sort through your thoughts/feelings.

Make a plan of action.

You do not need to throw away your marriage/relationship.

You don't have to forgive and forget to move on. But you and your husband do need to work together to put this relationship of yours together.

Get support, real support from your family and close friends.
Realize that despite your efforts, he has to want things to work between you both, too.

Read, read, read before you confront him so that you will be able to understand things if he does not readily admit to his affair and take responsibility for it. You need to be ready to do the 180.

Good luck, take it slow. This takes such an emotional toll of us, having a plan gives us a sense of control, although, sometimes we don't have much!


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