I want to talk about the infidelity and he says I am stuck on this and he has said all he has to say. I know everything and how many times am I going to ask the same questions? He says he is hurting and he was unhappy and unable to express his negative feelings in the marriage. He has been in IC and is learning to speak up for himself. He wants us to meet with his therapist and discuss the marriage.
I am also in IC but did agree to meet with his therapist when he was ready to talk. Now I'm not so sure I should. I told him I would meet in couples therapy to talk about the affairs. I told him I take 50% responsibility for the marriage problems but 0% responsibilty for the break up and the affairs. He says he is tired of talking about the As and wants to move on to why they happened. Very sarcastically stated he will relay my terms onto his therapist and see if she agrees.
What am I getting myslef into? Does anyone have any pointers for me on how to keep the focus on the As? what kind of questions should I ask? Jeeze I think I'm being set up to be the bad guy.
DS 16, DDs 18 & 30
Learning to be resilient
Mrs. Robinson- 41, S but still M
"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin
I read your story, let me say, I am sorry for what you have gone through.
It sounds like he is utilizing his IC to get out of feeling guilt or taking responsibility for his actions. It also sounds like he wants to shift the blame on to you. To me, it sounds like you are being set up to be the bad guy. I hope this is not the case.
I wish I could be more help, but my h seems not to want to take responsibility as well. He says he knows he was wrong and totally denies a PA. Because he did not have a PA in his mind (which I am not sure about) there was no EA.
It sounds like he is trying to handle this like he would a business transaction gone bad. I would use extreme caution If I were you.
Tell him that you're not doing another damn thing until he takes a polygraph.
If he gives you any grief about it, then start stuffing all of his shit in generic trash bags and throwing them out into the yard.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
He says he is tired of talking about the As and wants to move on to why they happened. Very sarcastically stated he will relay my terms onto his therapist and see if she agrees.
He wants to "relay his terms" he wants you to "move on to why they happened".
I want to make him REALLY hurt. Him mostly but his therapist a little!!!
What gonnabe2016 said!!!!
I've now read your profile and see that he's not currently living with you. Good. Keep it that way.
I tell him thank you for sharing and I have to process what he is saying and I need him to leave now. I get up, stand by the door with his coat in hand and open the door. He tells me I am rude and I am an awful person. He says I behave badly, he takes his letter and tells me that I donít deserve it
He has been in IC and is learning to speak up for himself. He wants us to meet with his therapist and discuss the marriage.
Very sarcastically stated he will relay my terms onto his therapist and see if she agrees.
This is a set up. In my opinion he already knows what his therapist thinks ...he's even told you in a roundabout way.
I want to talk about the infidelity and he says I am stuck on this and he has said all he has to say. I know everything and how many times am I going to ask the same questions? He says he is hurting and he was unhappy and unable to express his negative feelings in the marriage.
If you are considering going to MC with him, I think you need to find a separate therapist for it. Preferably one that is experienced in infidelity.
[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 3:21 AM, April 21st (Sunday)]
He didn't want me to find out everything because he was scared I would leave and tha was his way of controlling the situation.
I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.
I see that I am being set up and agree with all posts above. I think he is using his IC as a justification that he is willing to work on things and if I don't go, then I am not willing to work on things. In his mind he is not having an A now. He is going to therapy. Now he is willing to work on the Marriage. If I don't go, I am not willing to work on the M.
I agree with Josephine 1 that he is treating this as a business deal gone bad and he is trying to save face. I plan on being very cautious. I plan to set boundaries with the meeting. 1. I'm here to deal with the As. 2. MC has to wait until we can first deal with this. 3. I am not responsible for the As. Again, any pointers you have for me are appreciated.
Gonnabe2016 your sniper rant is right on. Isadora, I agree, he is still lying, so I have no illusions that he is going to reveal any truths.
I have been searching the Library and know I have to go 180. I'm ready for this now. In the meantime, I need pointers on how to deal with a possible clueless therapist and a hostile WH.
[This message edited by eyesrnowopen at 6:13 AM, April 21st (Sunday)]
If your WH wants to *do* therapy, then he can come to yours or you will find another one.
If it were me, I wouldn't do shit with this guy right now while he's got that dickhead attitude.
Get comfy in that *bad guy* chair. It's really not that bad a place to be!
My STBXH did the same exact thing with not wanting to talk about the A any more. For a few days he was great and then suddenly displayed shut down behavior and got very angry and defensive.
What occurred to me finally, after some clues came, (the defensiveness was one) is that he was making up with OW and making plans to abandon us again. Also, talking about it for them makes them have to face it as a reality and he works very hard to not face what it truly is-great length to minimalize and even blamed it on me.
I was set up in false counseling in 2012, completely blindsided. STBXH picked the IC and it was of course someone who had to be on the insurance list, but he went first and filled her head with his side and all this sh about me.
When I would go, it is believed she was trying to see if what he said was true. And unless I was detatched and angry or made fun of him, it was a horrible time and worse than not going. She actually stood over my chair and yelled at me while I cried with her finger in my nose. (That was my last session there).
When we hd IC for DD, he manipulated those sessions for six months so I ended that, too and will find a new one.
One thing I find myself noticing lately is the counselors and lawyers themselves. The ones with more splash and flash I tend to be leary about. For instance, the counselor last year drove a gold lexus, had giant gold and silver purses and jewelry and is a very flashy person.
The one I have now has an Audi wagon that's six years old, a small black purse, no make up and hardly charges me any money to go because she heard my story and wants to help.
I don't know if that helps and hope the description of first IC isn't offensive, its not meant to be-it was a try at showing the differences in professional people and maybe clues to watch for as to how things may be.
Along similar but different lines, the L's I spoke with are similar, but maybe its just people and how they present themselves. The one I chose reduced his fees and the one I didn't was much flashier, no compassion and charged for the initial consult.
For me, I tend to prefer less flash or glitz, but I'm not prejudiced or trying to generalize, either. It was just a thought and I hope no one gets mad.
I wonder if any one else notices this about the counselors or professional people?
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
how are things going now?
He wants us to meet with his therapist and discuss the marriage.
It is too early to discuss the M or for MC.
He says he is hurting and he was unhappy and unable to express his negative feelings in the marriage.
Before he is ready for MC, he should be able to explain to you, without undue defensiveness, why he turned to OW when he was unhappy. Why he was unable to express his opinion. He should also be demonstrating and be able to explain his new behaviors so that he can express his opinion in a civilized way, and that the next time he is unhappy he has alternatives to OW.
When he has reached the above, and you are at a point of accepting his As and on your way to healing, that is the time for MC.
I agree that a lie detection test may really help to clear the air.
He says he is tired of talking about the As and wants to move on to why they happened.
As well he should, as I described above, with his IC. Meanwhile, it is well recognized that re-processing traumatic events over and over is a way to heal.
It really sounds like there is more to the story. The initial story from FWW was she was spending too much time with OM (her boss), they became too close as friends, she would back off, he was a fond friend. I later learned it was two years of meeting for sex a couple of times a month, staying in the same room on travel , sharing photos and stexting.
Sounds to me like he's pissed that you took his toys away and he wants to make you take the blame for it. There is NO POINT in discussing the why of an affair with someone who has no remorse or interest in fixing the marriage. It will just turn into a huge bitch session in which all the faults of the BS are laid bare while the WS acts like the cheating is the only thing they did wrong, ever. DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO THIS TRAP!
You never truly know what Shit creek looks like until you find yourself sitting in the middle of it without a paddle.
I have do doubt she is shamed. She was the one who called our pastor and made our first meeting. She came "clean" and I could tell she was in pain. However, the night she came "clean" she was so calm, detached... while I was a basket case. She was becoming the martyr while I was the one being crucified. I honestly don't know if she feels remorse or just regret. She had the power to start this whole mess and she could have stopped it. She had to get caught for it to end, so true remorse... just not sure. That leaves me equally unsure if she just wants to flee back to the safety of the "marriage bed" and all it brings, just biding her time or is honestly repenting.
While I feel her pain, it can't be my priority any more. As a husband, that is a very hard thing to say. My job is to protect her. But she jumped out from under that umbrella when she went to the Om. Now she is stuck between the two... and that can't feel good.
She now knows I am prepared to end the marriage, to save it. If she cant meet my terms then we may have to call it quits. I was not fine with that before, but I fine with it now.
If my WW started to act like this I know it would put an incredible strain on me. I also know I could not take it. That said, I don't want to beat her over the head with it either. I just want her to realize her part in all this and own up to making it right.