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h0pe4ul posted 4/21/2013 03:22 AM

I logged into one of the online accounts my WH denied up and down ever creating and found a conversation between him and a woman he never told me he met or knew (I discovered that info on my own).

WH has denied ever interacting with this woman on a personal level and yet, she is reaching out to him to see how he is doing and sending him kisses via the message and he is asking what were her plans for the night.

How do you spell: LIAR?????

The funny thing was I didn't even plan on looking at that site tonight but did. Glad I did! :)

Wow...he sat in my face and denied, denied, denied, even w/the accounts looking at him.

I don't even have a desire to show him what I found bc I know he will just deny that and turn everything back on me.

I am going to keep monitoring for more hard evidence and just keep focusing on me like I said...

It's not even worth going into anymore at this juncture bc I know he is not going to be forthright with me.

I am disappointed but not even sad about it...just glad I see it for myself bc I knew he was not fooling me about not opening those accounts, even though he tried his hardest to get me to buy that the sites themselves opened the account and chose his friends for him.

Oh well, today's a new day and I have been up alllll night long....and have a long day today. I can't let my guard down for anything bc I just don't know who I am really dealing with.

I am going to choose to be calm and stay focused and do the best I can to be better for me and my kids...

I really have no words for WH at this time. I am going to let him do what he does while I keep monitoring and working on me. I know what I found will still be something he will try to deny. I know I won't even waste my day on this talking to him about it but if he lied about that, what else is he keeping from me?

I think I will save my energy to focus it elsewhere bc it's just no use to go back and forth with someone who refuses to be completely honest with me.

[This message edited by h0pe4ul at 3:25 AM, April 21st (Sunday)]

authenticnow posted 4/21/2013 05:32 AM

I'm sorry you're dealing with his continued lying.

I think I will save my energy to focus it elsewhere bc it's just no use to go back and forth with someone who refuses to be completely honest with me.
That's a good plan, IMO.

That's a hard way to live for any extended length of time . Do you plan on confronting him at some point? Have you read about the 180? Here is the link:

Theradin posted 4/21/2013 08:54 AM


I am so sorry you had to discover that. I know what it feels like to discover very dirty things about a WS when they emphatically deny that anything like that exists. It is gut-wrenching.

Try to be strong and focus on yourself and your kids. Your kids need a strong, healthy mother right now. Your WH should really be last on the priority list, just like he has placed you in that same place on his list.

It also sounds like you may be at a suitable place to draw a bottom-line and boundary with him to protect the (mental) health and safety of you and your children. Maybe it's time to boot him out for a little bit so that he can see what it feels like to be abandoned by the one he 'supposedly' loves, and his family in general. It's a tough move to make, but sometimes, especially if a WS is continuing to lie and expose their family to trauma, it's the best thing that can happen. Often times, the 'right' choices in life are the most difficult to make.

Follow your heart and take care of yourself and your children. You are a fantastic mother! Be strong!

h0pe4ul posted 4/22/2013 11:09 AM


Thank you! Yes, I totally agree and am glad I am finally arriving to the place where my focus is becoming less on WH.

I think, for some reason, finding that message, after he earnestly denied having had any kind of contact w/this woman at all, did something to me inside.

I've detached in a great way from the situation and even him. I am not mean or fussing or even desiring to bring up what I found, to be honest with you.

I do feel very sad inside but also very detached. After fighting and being tired of having to deal with his blameshifting, gaslighting, and rugsweepeing all these years and even still, I already know what to expect and just am setting my own self up for frustration if I present this new info I found bc he doesn't really want to change. So, I will let HIM go through the motions while I look out for me and my kids.

The only person I can truly change is me, right? Right! :)

I feel like finding that message has truly caused me to step back from the situation and to start looking at it as one on the outside looking in. I think I am thinking more clearer this way as opposed to falling apart and jumping on his back about it...which never really leads to anything healthy or productive anyway.

I am focusing on building myself up and my children at this juncture. I still fulfill my wifely duties because I choose to be committed to my word in what I would do in this marriage regardless.

However, and, although I still treat WH nicely and as if I know nothing, there is a bit of an emotional distance I have with him right now. I am speaking less, listening more, and focusing on what I need to get from where I am right now on every level to where I need to be....

[This message edited by h0pe4ul at 11:36 AM, April 22nd (Monday)]

h0pe4ul posted 4/22/2013 11:23 AM


Thank you as well!

I held on to the information I first confronted him with for several months before ever bringing up. It was hard to do but I was trying to give chance after chance to see if WH would confess or open up about what was sitting in front of us. He still denied everything!

Well, even though I didn't buy the excuses he gave for the evidence presented, I let the issue die down but deep inside, I knew something was not right.

I just so happen to log in last week and found the message from five years ago posted....

WH said he never even been on that site let alone had no personal information for this person that he met overseas.

All the while, her personal email address, along with a telephone number she sent to him after he met her in 2007, was all in his email address.

He didn't even remember it was in there. I found it and had to lead him to it bc it was so long ago.

I know he opened those accounts and probably just forgot about what he did or did not do bc it was so long ago.

Yet, while I can believe forgetting every single detail someone did years ago, I cannot buy someone acting as if they never did something when they and I know they did. I guess, what bothers me the most, is that he is either that arrogant or thinks I am that stupid to believe him!!!!!! :( Sad, either way he thinks!

[This message edited by h0pe4ul at 11:24 AM, April 22nd (Monday)]

h0pe4ul posted 4/22/2013 11:24 AM

I have withdrawn on many respects: I don't react to any comments he makes (he put me on blast in front of his family yesterday regarding my being upset with him about the things he put me through--no one else's business of course but just showed me how much he "understands" or truly doesn't get me nor respect my feelings)....

I don't question what he wants to do and if he has an opinion different than mine, I encourage him to do so. I am to a point, if he wants to be with any of his OW or anyone else or even my former bff, I just don't care anymore. If he does, I will not be sexually active with him but will be a cordial roommate to him for the sake of my kids and because I truly do care about him.

By God's grace (and only His grace), I will choose to take the high road and let him do him while I do me, even if in him doing himself means being with someone else. He will not have me any longer as a sexual or romantic part but we can live separate lives while living together so that our kids can have a safe transition as we separate....I have made this clear to him many times if he chooses to be with anyone else or to resume relationship with any of the OW. So, this won't be a shocker to him if it happens.

I have done all I could do to make this work but if he is not 100% committed, there is nothing else I can or want to do but focus on me and my children while he does his thing, and I get to a place where I can move and be on my own.

[This message edited by h0pe4ul at 11:31 AM, April 22nd (Monday)]

h0pe4ul posted 4/22/2013 11:31 AM

I have no other family or friends I can rely on so I can't just jump ship but I am doing what I need to now to get up on my feet in the meanwhile.

I still believe all things are possible but I refuse to put more into the relationship than he is willing to give anymore bc it's not fair, and it's a waste of my time.

I am reclaiming me, as I stated last week, and I refuse to go back to where I was emotionally and mentally.

I don't care anymore and I am not even angry when I say this. I just don't care anymore.

So, I can hold this info for as long as I need to....and will only use it when I know I will really need to. Until then, my mouth is zipped and I will continue to monitor for any other evidence that may be around that I just haven't seen yet bc if I found this, I can only imagine what else he is hiding from me.

If he can lie to me about what happened over five years ago, what is he lying to me about now?????????????

Deep in my heart, I believe his EA with my former bff turned to a PA but I believe he will not tell me bc he is protecting her and himself.

He has been missing her and has stated it as well as shown it in his actions.

So, the best I can do is back off and let nature take its course.

I believe in R to the fullest but know that I can only go so far as we both allow us to go.

I want my M but I want someone who wants to truly be with me and respect me even more....I don't see that with my WH even though I love him.

[This message edited by h0pe4ul at 11:41 AM, April 22nd (Monday)]

crazyblindsided posted 4/22/2013 18:19 PM

I don't care anymore and I am not even angry when I say this. I just don't care anymore.

This is the point I got to with my WH when I finally let go and focused on me. There is nothing my WH could do at this point that would devastate me or surprise me because he already has.

Eventually it won't matter and you will do what you need to make yourself happy and hopefully he will remove his head from his you know where pretty soon.

I also confronted evidence that was heard on VAR but denied by WH. I chose to believe the VAR and still hold by that fact when it is brought up whether WH likes it or not. I am letting him know that the truth is there whether he admits it or not.

Take care of yourself. They have to be fully de-fogged to come back to the M, but I know that you know this.

Hang in there sweetie (((h0pe4ul)))

h0pe4ul posted 4/22/2013 20:32 PM

Thank you, crazyblindsided! :). Will do.

lemony.2008 posted 4/22/2013 20:50 PM


I understand how exhausting and draining it is to deal with a chronic liar. I find being emotionally detached from him is necessary for me to survive.

You sound very grounded and calm which are positive signs.

((((more hugs))))

h0pe4ul posted 4/22/2013 21:01 PM

Thank you, lemony! :)

Yes, this is the calmest I've been in years. I think he is noticing the distance and is a bit worried but I am not mentioning anything about about anything.

I am just being right...I am just being..

I am so glad to be at this place bc I felt like WH liked upsetting me to some degree. Sometimes when sharing my needs or feelings of hurt, he'd have a smirk on his face like he enjoyed inflicting pain on me.

I just want to be happy and not where I used to be so I choose to not chase or try to get someone to tell me the truth who just doesn't want to.

I wish things were different and I still have hope things will turn around truly but I am not going to beat a dead horse. If he wants me, truly wants me, he will step up and initiate on his own. Until then, I will rest in this new place I'm at. :)

Thank you for the great big bear hug. :):)

lemony.2008 posted 4/22/2013 21:07 PM

I wish things were different and I still have hope things will turn around truly but I am not going to beat a dead horse. If he wants me, truly wants me, he will step up and initiate on his own. Until then, I will rest in this new place I'm at. :)

^^^ Love it!

Now, can I sit right next to you?

h0pe4ul posted 4/23/2013 18:28 PM

Why, lemony, you sure can!!!! :):) Come join me!

[This message edited by h0pe4ul at 6:28 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]

libertyrocks posted 4/26/2013 11:03 AM

Oh no! I just caught up with you sweetie...I'm so so sorry.

(One big long hug to you)

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