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talk me down please

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million pieces posted 4/21/2013 06:48 AM

(can't believe I posted advice on the other thread about SO's exs, I know nothing!)

Ok, I lost it yesterday. At least not in front of my SO.

I've mentioned before that my SO's ex inserted herself into a lot of the family stuff during SO's father funeral in Dec. It was odd but fits w her personality. Everything went back to normal quickly. Well my SO's mother passed last week and in the couple of weeks at the hospital things had started to ramp up. Once again, I ignore it and at least I was prepared this time. One of SO's sisters noticed it again and we had a brief laugh about it and made me feel a lot better.

Well my sweet dog died two days later. I've been w my kids and other dog since. SO and I live an hour apart but my work is closer to his house than mine. SO and his sisters have so much going on and to do and I can't help (never once have I gotten a hint that anyone expects otherwise right now). Well, earlier this week my mom and I were talking and I expressed how I couldn't help and my mom suggested for me to bring flowers for the hanging baskets and planters for SO's parents house as that is where everyone is gathering after the services for lunch. SO's mother went into the hospital in March, so things are pretty barren. I communicated this to SO, we got stuck on hanging baskets because he had to count the hooks on the porch. Well, he tells me yesterday that ex and her mom went over to the house and planted flowers in the planters and other places. I know he didn't remember that I was going to do the whole thing and really it was one of his sisters that assigned her the task but I just lost it. (got off the phone first) I know it isn't just about the stupid flowers, it is my grief for his mom and my dog. And how despite me wanted things to be taken slowly and not having a easy solution for our living together, that is where I want to be. I'm tired of being by myself. I'm tired of being strong and doing everything. Going to Home Depot and having to ask for someone to help load the car and then struggling w my 65# 10 yr old to get things out of the car. I just sat at HD looking at the sod yesterday and just about cried with how big this task is.

I hate how selfish his ex is. I hate how she is making it awkward for SO and his family. His sister had to ask her to not get into the family limo and not to sit with the family at the funeral last time. And I hate how I have to make small talk w her for the next two days when I feel this way.

I hate that I have poison ivy from all my yard work this week and I look like a leper. I thought about going to the doctor yesterday and getting steroids but I couldn't imagine how emotional I'd be then.

At least I was able to sneak out yesterday while kids were at bday parties and get me hair done. My dd said she could count 40 gray hair when she was braiding my hair Friday night. And that my face had wrinkles and I looked like a granny. Nice.

I know SO and I need to talk about these things AFTER these next few days. We will be spending next weekend together, so that is a possibility. But I hate how I have to be strong for my SO and I just don't feel like I can do it

And no, I'm not PMSing but it sure feels that way

Survivor3512 posted 4/21/2013 08:29 AM

(((Million))) I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

tesla posted 4/21/2013 08:36 AM


Sounds like you are in the middle of a perfect storm of lousy shit. I'm sorry that you are feeling bad...but from what you have written, you are allowed to feel sad . You don't have to be strong. You just have to persevere and not take it out on SO's ex...sounds like the sisters have her firmly in line.

FaithFool posted 4/21/2013 10:54 AM

Ugh! ((((Million)))))

caregiver9000 posted 4/21/2013 11:35 AM

I don't think you HAVE to talk about this with SO? Sounds like a circumstance where grief is involved, boundaries with funerals are blurred, but reinforced and clear to the siblings, and SO's behavior is not questionable, only the ex?

So.... you can only control one person's behavior - your own. Your SO can only control one person, and it isn't the ex. If his behavior is fine, mixed with grief, and he is still focused on you and a future with you, I would just hang in there.

Crying over sod in the face of what you describe seems really really normal...

Get to the weekend together with SO, and plan lots of normal time and down time, and reconnect with each other and don't stress yourself with a "talk."

(((hugs))) and my sympathies for the losses.

million pieces posted 4/21/2013 12:25 PM

thanks, shit storm is appropriate.

And no, not talk to SO about his ex. It is what it is, she isn't the issue, but it has just really played on my insecurities in the relationship. Or rather I think I'm ready for more.

Mousse242 posted 4/21/2013 12:50 PM

Your SO needs to grow a pair and tell her that they are divorced and she is no longer family. Period.

I get that you are all stressed and have suffered a lot of losses BUT by not communicating with him on this and not telling him what is going on with your feelings, he's not going to know. He needs to draw some boundaries and now. This is crazy.

Kajem posted 4/22/2013 03:04 AM

My thinking is your SO needs to put his boundaries firmly in place.

But I understand that when hit with the death of someone you love that might not be possible to do while in so much pain.

But at some point in the not too distant future - talk to him about how you feel and hopefully he will be able to put some concrete boundaries in place with his X.

Enjoy your isn't the time to deal with his X.. it's time to reinforce your connection with SO.



million pieces posted 4/24/2013 06:21 AM

Just wanted to give a quick update, survived the last few days. The flowers were just so much a non-issue, I'm a little embarrassed how much it affected me last weekend. It is amazing what stress and lack of sleep can do to your mind.

SO's ex was MUCH better than last time, she only really inserted herself by walking into the church w the family (procession?) and then again at the grave site. It was odd but my SO took my arm and wanted me to walk w him and that was all that mattered.

We still need to talk, about us, but that can wait. SO needs some time to process and recover. And sell his house. And then move into his parents house. And then work on that house....

Life is hard. We ALL know that now. But I'm still very happy how things are right now. The hell of the last year of my marriage was just so bad, and I didn't even know why. Everything is still hard, but in a more clear focused way.

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