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Content, complacent or Kisa?

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dlmos posted 4/21/2013 10:55 AM

So I was talking with a friend of mine about needing to get out and have a life of my own outside of kids, dating etc... So a little background, I have my kids one to two week nights and every weekend day I don't work. I work either Saturday or Sunday most weekends and when I don't work I take them the whole weekend. My work schedule is a 24 hour shift so nothing happens that day. So two night out of three I'm free after about 7:00 when they go home, and once or twice on weekdays I have nothing, no kids or work.

I've started taking a salsa dancing class and enjoy it, occasionally go out with my cousin but for the most part I just hang out. I think some of this is KISA issues, I have a hard time just doing something for myself. I worry about neglecting something else, or hurting someone's feelings. It should be noted that in my M going out by myself was like taking the expressway to the doghouse. But a lot of was also just me worried about the ex being overwhelmed with the kids. I always felt like I would be putting her out if I left her alone with them (and she heavily reenforced that concept).

I do really enjoy doing things with friends and always prefer to do things with a friend, small group etc rather than just by myself. I'm a talker and love to be able to share experiences. But it seems like I'm not really getting out there now, and my friend pointed out is that I need to have a life of my own in addition to work, kids and whatever else.

I'm not unhappy, so am I just content or complacent? It could also be that I tend to KISA things and am very accessible to friends and family. Has anybody else found a way to find a healthy balance?

FaithFool posted 4/21/2013 11:20 AM

There is nothing wrong with just hanging out if that's what you feel like doing.

I saw a quote from John Lennon on FB which I love:

Time you enjoy wasting was not wasted.

inconnu posted 4/21/2013 11:21 AM

okay, you're talking about the need to get out, so I'd rule out "content." I'd say it's not that you're unhappy with your life, it's just you want something more, even if you don't know what that more is, yet.

The dance class is a good start. Maybe now all you need to do is find something else you're interested in, and find a class or sign up for an event. Add new interests one at a time, instead of trying to throw yourself into a bunch all at once. Use this time to create the life you want to have.

That being said, how do you feel about the "warrior dash" or "mud run" types of events? For some reason, I can picture you doing those...

cayc posted 4/21/2013 11:54 AM

Your divorce is relatively recent right? As in late last year/early this year? As level headed as you seem, and as open to self-exploration as you seem, please recognize that this is a whole new world you are exploring. It's not a race. You don't have to figure everything out today. You don't have to say "ok, this is how I like things, things are that way, so now it's settled." Boom. Done.

I think too, that having a full life separate from children, when you have little ones, looks much different than when you don't. As in what constitutes "full" doesn't look like what it does for someone who doesn't have children. Full for you may be, a close confident who you are enjoying getting to know through conversation, a salsa class once a week, a Sunday morning motorcycle ride with the buddies, and ... that might be it. Imho, that's "full" for a dad of two young kidlets.

If there's something you *want* to be doing and you're stopping yourself because "I need to call my confident like I usually do at this time of day" or if there's something you *want* to be doing and you aren't because you think you shouldn't. Or if you have unexpended energy that's bugging you b/c it doesn't have an outlet. Well then, that's a problem. But if that active want is not staring you in the face, and you're asking this question because you are concerned that you should be wanting things and right now you just aren't, then I'd say relax a little. Go with the flow. Figure out who you are as a single dad. It might look a lot different that what you looked like as a single 20 year old man.

dlmos posted 4/21/2013 13:20 PM

Faithfool - I am enjoying my time, I just worry maybe a little too much. There are some things I would like to do some things like play softball or what not I just never seem to get around to them.

inconnu - I would love to do a mud run! I'm actually signed up for a color run in may too. I think that while I'm not just dying to "get out". I do enjoy doing things and need to make some friends that are interested in doing those (my cousin is the only person I hang out with normally and he takes work to get moving...).

cayc - you hit the nail on the head, it's not that I feel the need I just worry I might "should". And yes my divorce is still recent so it all one big life adjustment at this point. But single at 20? Lol, I was MARRIED at 20! I think I do need to just relax a bit though, cause I am pretty happy right now

Nature_Girl posted 4/21/2013 18:05 PM

I'm in a somewhat similar situation. I'm having a hard time finding stuff to do with my New Beginning. I'm still at the "I'd rather take a nap" stage sometimes, but that's not a heck of a lot of fun. I find I'm bored & lonely when my kids aren't here.

Amazonia posted 4/21/2013 20:32 PM

It should be noted that in my M going out by myself was like taking the expressway to the doghouse.

This is one of the best parts of being single. You're not married to someone who is going to make you feel guilty about being married anymore. Yes, you keep on being a good dad to your kids, and you keep doing a good job, but the rest of your time is YOURS to be selfish with. You get to do whatever you enjoy doing - whether that's staying in or going out.

jennie160 posted 4/21/2013 20:50 PM

I was in a very similar situation with my marriage. My husband was a very jealous person and didn't like it when I did anything that didn't involve him. After my divorce I went into overdrive with getting together with friends and going out. I'm naturally a very introverted person so after awhile this behavior began to wear me out. Most nights I would much rather spend the evening by myself making dinner, watching a movie, reading a book, ect.

"I need to call my confident like I usually do at this time of day" or if there's something you *want* to be doing and you aren't because you think you shouldn't.

I really struggled with this aspect in the beginning of my relationship with SO. Since we are LD we don't see each other as much as most couples and I worried that I was decreasing my going out because of him and not for myself. I didn't want to be "that girl" that ditches her friends when she starts seeing a guy. But that really wasn't the case it was more that I was just getting tired of it. It wasn't that I was staying home so that I could talk to SO but instead I was staying home so I can enjoy my "me time".

But since you said that you would rather do things with a friend than by yourself, this makes me think that you aren't staying home for yourself but instead because you feel it's what you think you should be doing.

Could it be that after your divorce (after years of being told you couldn't have fun) that you went into overdrive and have just worn yourself out? As long as you're choosing to stay home for yourself and not because you're so use to trying to keep from rocking the boat I think that hanging out with friend alittle less is ok.

dlmos posted 4/22/2013 08:17 AM

Thanks for the replies everyone!

I think it is mainly old habits still dying hard. I have had a lot of routine shifts over the last couple months with swapping around visitation days, dental work, etc... I would like to go out once and a hwile with a fun group of friends but I'm also really just enjoying me time too. I like cayc's idea of a night out during the week and a day for riding the motorcycle, that's about the balance I think I need right now

Williesmom posted 4/22/2013 10:03 AM

I would encourage you to do things by yourself.

Once you get used to it, it's really nice. You don't have to worry about what anyone else wants to do. I guess it's a process of getting comfortable with yourself again.

ManBearDivorce posted 4/22/2013 19:33 PM

That is good that you are going out! Be out and forget about your kids. Not you to worry about. I think about my kids all the time but I have learned that I cannot change the fact that her and I are D and we take turns with the kids. I shrug it off my shoulder every once in a while. I do get that feeling too but you have to bear the fact that she chose this route and you have go your route too.

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