I've moved on, have been with the new BF for 4 years...and I'm still struck DAILY by how much this experience has changed me and my life. I still have no real dreams for my life; I just don't believe in true love anymore (after spending 30 years convinced I had it); I don't trust anyone, because if the person who supposedly loves you more than anyone in the world can be so incredibly careless with your feelings and your future, who wouldn't be?
It would be so good to be happy and hopeful again. Instead, I'm cynical, closed off, and I have no idea what in the world I'm living for.
Happiness is more about attitude than circumstances. It helps to find joy in small things - there is beauty all around if you just take the time to notice it.
I have found that helping someone else takes me outside of my own head. Charity work and exercise are the best medicine for those down in the dumps feelings.
Sending strength and peace.
This is my biggest problem I'm sorting through. I'm under the notion that "everyone has their own agenda regardless." Lord knows the woman who supposedly had my back had her own agenda and didn't care to share that with me. So why not everyone else?
I also broke up with the woman I was seeing over this thought. Recently we started communicating again and I haven't told her yet but I will...she's selfish and doesn't even see it. What I mean by that is she cares about her own feelings and well being first...well before mine. It seems like she's allowed to say things that hurt me, but feels it's ok because she's been divorced so long that she's very set in her ways and used to taking care of number one. I think being divorced too long and looking for a relationship can be just as difficult to master as being divorced not long enough. People get used to protecting themselves (including their feelings) first sometimes. Really what it comes down to is I don't trust her with my feelings enough. But maybe I just don't trust ANYONE with my feelings enough. I don't know if that will ever come back. It's a numb and frustrating state of mind to be in. Especially when you see and hear all these people you know who are so "in love." Obviously the majority of them haven't suffered through this. Then again maybe their partners are just hiding something since statistics show that 80% of all marriages are touched by infidelity.
[This message edited by SeanFLA at 11:20 AM, April 22nd (Monday)]
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley
I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they're right. You believe less so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself. And sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
I think that is the key. You've got to learn to trust yourself. Good luck and don't give up.
I don't trust anyone, because if the person who supposedly loves you more than anyone in the world can be so incredibly careless with your feelings and your future, who wouldn't be?
I can't allow myself to think that way. IMO it feels like letting my XH and the OW win. They put a lot of effort into the destruction of my former life. I am determined to live a full and happy life in spite of all their best efforts to the contrary.
They put a lot of effort into the destruction of my former life. I am determined to live a full and happy life in spite of all their best efforts to the contrary.
Not being able to trust anyone else ever again seems like a pretty bad outcome. Surely it's possible eventually?
i'm there. can't believe it, never saw it coming, held it arms length for a long time. H and i (not XH), are both BS's. the level of transparency, constant affirmation, commitment, mindful presence and the focus we have on family and bonding restored my trust. he and i still look at each other, feeling vulnerable now and then, and say with an eyebrow up and gently wary eye, "don't fuck this up..." followed by "you either..."
i don't worry about him cheating. it's easy. and i'm definitely not blindly trusting anymore. i don't think there is anyone who "could never do that to me" but i'm back closer to that than i thought i would be. we've stayed in this vulnerable and trusted place because our actions every day affirm our words and commitment.
it's a big risk. i was just fine on my own. i took it anyway. so far, the gamble has paid off in spades. if he was someone who didn't get infidelity and/or who ever left me doubting, i wouldn't be here. my fight or flight response is strong and i've done enough fighting for a very long time.
life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac