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finally ready to move away from the fog

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Alyssamd24 posted 4/21/2013 16:15 PM

Today is my daughter's birthday and BH and I were together almost all weekend to celebrate....her party was yesterday and the three of us went to the petting zoo today as a family. Spending so much time with BH this weekend has helped me realize how much I want to fix our M and prove to him how much I love him and how sorry I am for destroying our lives.
I have sent an email to AP and told him it is time to move on and put our dysfunctional relationship to an end....I feel bad that I haven't done this sooner, but am confident now that I can do NC with him and know that is what I need to save my M and repair what I have destroyed.

knightsbff posted 4/21/2013 16:45 PM

Alyssa,
Good job on your decision to go NC. Have you read "Maia's Withdrawal Survival Guide"? If not I will try to find it and bump it for you.

A word of warning if you weren't very specific in a NC letter your AP may break NC. I would recommend for your sake as well as your BH that you report any attempts at contact to your BH and not respond unless it is a team effort with your BH.

Also does your AP's BW know about the A? Outing the A to her may help you remain NC. Also, IMHO she has a right to know.

This is a very important 1st step.

Mrs Panda posted 4/21/2013 17:51 PM

Good job on the email. It really doesn't matter too much what it said at this point, as long as you stick to NC.

Don't you work with AP? How are you going to handle that?

authenticnow posted 4/21/2013 18:00 PM

Yes, good first step!

AP is almost definitely going to email you back. You need to be prepared to maintain NC by ignoring him, or blocking him completely.

And what MrsPanda said. You need a plan for sticking to NC at work if you will see him there. Any way you can switch jobs/departments, etc.?

Alyssamd24 posted 4/21/2013 19:13 PM


I have read the survival guide and found that and all the info in the healing library to be very helpful.
I told AP in the email not to contact me or respond...I am hoping he will respect that but am also going to block him...just haven't done it yet..
I don't actually work with my AP but see him at my job almost daily, for short periods of time...and honestly I don't know how I will do with it..I plan on acting normal and remaining professional....and his BW doesn't know anything about the A....and if she did I would lose my job.

EmotionalFool posted 4/22/2013 05:20 AM

Great!!

Trying33 posted 4/22/2013 08:17 AM

Excellent news re the email..

Be prepared for moments of longing and despair at your perceived and real loss..

Keep reminding yourself it was for the best and a neccessary move forward for you and your family..

It will hurt but it does get easier.. I've set myself the goal of indifference.. When you can think about AP and feel indifferent.. that stage will come, but will take time

thumbelina posted 4/22/2013 10:12 AM

Alyssa,

Congrats on being ready to move out of your fog. Having been there, I know it is an incredibly freeing feeling, and the first step towards living a more mature and authentic life.

The piece of advice I would like to offer is in regard to what is going to happen once the "honeymoon" period is over. At first, you feel so relieved at making the right decision (because you know in your heart it is) that it feels like nothing can go wrong. But then the "what have I done?" phase sets in and it can be ROUGH. I spent weeks feeling sorry for myself, disgusted by my actions and what I had done to my family. This can be a very tough time as you try to balance rebuilding yourself and being a support to your very hurt BS.

I hope you will continue to post about your struggle so we can all support you through it.

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