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We had MC this morning. Due to various scheduling difficulties, it'd been 3 weeks since we last saw our therapist together (I've seen her twice for IC in the interim).

Not only did we start to get to the WHY of the EA, but H asked to see our therapist for IC!!! This is huge - he was raised in a family that doesn't believe in therapy and has had a hard time admitting that he needs help. To ask for it was a huge breakthrough - so much so that I started to cry!

As for the why of the EA, one year ago we went through a very traumatic, public legal problem with some of his immediate family members. A mental health breakdown led to a legal issue that was covered by the media locally, to the point where the whole family huddled in a back room of a house and didn't answer phones or doors so that we could avoid the media. H admitted to feeling shame and embarrassment about the situation around me because he was related to the people and I wouldn't be involved if it weren't for him. Our therapist asked if he'd ever discussed the family situation with the OW and he said "no, never." She said something like "Isn't that interesting? Seems like you used the OW as a vacation from the problems that your wife knew about and was helping you through." With the OW, he got to be away from the embarrassment and shame, and he got to be her KISA, whereas with me, I was his KISA. Add in the fact that he was raised in a very traditional household that says the man should be provider and protector and, well, you can see where he's broken.

Wonderful update. Sounds like your H took some terrific and insightful steps in R.