Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Trying to help hurting wife

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Apple3point14 posted 4/21/2013 19:12 PM

I had multiple affairs on my bs and never did give her the support and respect she deserved. I was mired in my own issues and was "king poor me".
Since d-day I have been trying to change and put her, the family and her dreams first. I actually care about her and our marriage more than I have ever before.more than anything I have ever wanted. I truly am trying become a better human.
I caused so much pain to her and ,y family. My cheating, lying and subsequent "trickle truth" changed who she is inside. It kills me to know I did this. Sure I had my "reasons", but they were all poor me bullshit.
My b.s is trying hard to reconcile. She is still here. I pray everyday that I can contribute to her and show her that her best interest is forefront in my mind. She feels she can never trust me and that there is still so much to uncover. The truth is she knows everything.
I desperately would like advice or guidance from anyone that may know more than me about showing by words or actions.

I a

BaxtersBFF posted 4/21/2013 19:34 PM

What have you done to prove that she does know everything?

Apple3point14 posted 4/22/2013 08:33 AM

I have tried to prove that she does know everything. She has access to all email, Facebook,etc.
Initially I did not volunteer everything, heck I didn't volunteer anything.
When I finally did tell "everything", I left out a detail that "I thought " wasn't a big deal. Ihad no right to decide what she should know.
Trickle truth is a killer.
I am being transparent and open and honest about everything.
I was so independent and tried to do everything myself. Ivhave found( through my affairs and trying hard in R) that I never realy wanted to be independent. Ivthought focusing everything on, through myself would somehow slow my world down and give me some sense of control. I am focussing on engaging and being the partner to my wife I should have been. I have been working hard to be that partner. I have gone to m and ic, read and am really trying to meet her needs.

thumbelina posted 4/22/2013 10:06 AM

Hi Apple,

I really relate to what you're experiencing. I was also the master at TT, thinking I "knew better" about what my BS should know/did not need to know, and felt very "poor me" due to the issues that led to the A in the first place. It SUCKS to wake up and realize that the coping mechanisms that you have used to get you through life are the exact opposite of what you need to build and maintain a healthy marriage.

The thing you mention that I relate to the most is the feeling of always having to be independent, do everything yourself, rely on nobody. It "worked" for me for most of my life, and is a bitch of a habit to break. Although R is going well for us, the thing that keeps holding me back at times is this notion that I have to struggle alone, and basically take the "cowboy" approach to life. My BS has made it very clear to me (and I have learned on my own as I have been more honest with myself...) that independence simply won't work in a marriage! We have to find ways to be vulnerable and to let our spouses see things that nobody else ever has or will. This is scary.

For me, letting him in to my struggle not only with how I am feeling about the A, but about all of my internal issue that led up to it has been a huge step towards building intimacy. I have noticed that letting him see the "ugly" in me has only made him feel closer and more connected, which is what he has desired all along. It seems counter-intuitive, but try it. The realization that I have been emotionally stunted has been a very tough pill to swallow. But trust me, once you make that realization and work everyday to make yourself a better person, your BS will take notice. And the trust between you will grow.

Apple3point14 posted 4/22/2013 10:40 AM

What I am facing now is that my bs is doubting my sincerity. She doesn't believe anything I say and the only truths that she seems to believe is that I cheated on her, didn't care about her and my family. It hurts to write that, but it is true. I was so selfish...
I understand why she is holding that so close. Trusting has caused her pain. I completely blindsided her.
My words ring hollow now.

I also get excited by "good days" and I feel she might see that as me moving on from what I have done. Truth is I think about it all of the time.

Bumbling posted 4/23/2013 14:54 PM

It sounds like you've got transparency down pretty well, and you're comforting her as you can with words. Have you tried some bigger gestures? The 5 love languages books break things down into categories that resonate most for different folks: acts, words, together time, physical, and gifts. Maybe you're not hitting one of the 5 that you need to. She may be able to tell you what she needs if you ask and listen closely.

It's not a cure all, but I read a study that said people trust each other more if they hug for 30 seconds or more.

Apple3point14 posted 4/23/2013 17:08 PM

Thanks bumbling. I have read 5 languages and I try to enact them. I would love to hug 30 seconds a day. Don't think she would go for that. Right now. It has been a 'good' last 24 hours so I feel pretty good right now. However recently it seems that after a good day she triggers.

slo2005 posted 4/29/2013 05:28 AM

I was the same way. I would leave things out that I thought were minor compared to what I did so I didn't tell my H. Example would be what restaurant we ate at when we went out, or maybe what movie we watched. I felt who cares, I told you we slept together. He wanted to know everything we did. He stated sometimes he was to experience what they experienced with me (yes I was a serial cheater). He still feel like I am lying about things. Like how many times I slept with the OM. Some things I cannot tell him, because I honestly do not remember. I t has been going on for so long and there are so many lies. He thinks I am just holding back. I was selfish. I wanted my cake and I wanted to eat it too. I didnt care about him, my marriage, or myself. I have had to give details about every A that I have had, and I have been doing it everyday for the past month. It is hard, because it is horrible having to hear what I have done out load and actually having to accept it. He doesnt feel like I could change in only a month. I told him that I dont feel like I have changed, but I feel like I am changing. He wants to know how i know I wont do it again. I told him, Having to admit this out loud to you, friends, family, and professional has made me realize what a horrible thing I have. I am now holding myself accountable for my actions. I finally have to take a step back and look, i mean really look at myself and my choices. I don't ever want to see the pain and disgust in his eyes again. I dont want to ever feel like that person I was when I was having the affair. I dont want him to ever look at me the way he is looking at me now, and I dont want to look at my self that way either. I dont ever want to go through what we are going through again. Even if we do not make it, I dont want to go through this with anyone else, and it will if I cannot fix this now.

We have been taking several routes to reconcile. I closed all my social networking pages, he has all my passwords, my number and email addresses have been changed, old email addressed are closed. He has access to everything. I go to school and come home. I text him when I leave to go somewhere, when I arrive, when I leave again, and when I make it home. I go to bed when he goes to bed (which I like). We have journals we write our feelings in. No negative mean things though. Just good things or sad feelings we may be having. He talks about his triggers a lot. They have helped a lot. you might want to try it. We leave the journals out so we can read them whenever we want. We dont talk about what we read. We just try to do the things we may write about. We have also been reading A wife after Gods own Heart and a Husband after Gods own heart. We have never been the religious type, but the bibles views on marriage have been so helpful. We feel if we would have followed its way a marriage should be, we would not have had trouble. I love those books. I also have the 5 languages of Love. I haven't made it to that book yet. I am in IC and we start MC next week.

I am glad your here. I helps to see people with the same issue. This has been an emotional roller coaster. I never know when to be happy or sad. I am scared to be too happy when things are good, and scared to be sad when things are good. I just have to watch his face and his tone and play off of those. I hope you two can make it. I have hope my H and I, because I am willing to do whatever it takes.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.