I really relate to what you're experiencing. I was also the master at TT, thinking I "knew better" about what my BS should know/did not need to know, and felt very "poor me" due to the issues that led to the A in the first place. It SUCKS to wake up and realize that the coping mechanisms that you have used to get you through life are the exact opposite of what you need to build and maintain a healthy marriage.
The thing you mention that I relate to the most is the feeling of always having to be independent, do everything yourself, rely on nobody. It "worked" for me for most of my life, and is a bitch of a habit to break. Although R is going well for us, the thing that keeps holding me back at times is this notion that I have to struggle alone, and basically take the "cowboy" approach to life. My BS has made it very clear to me (and I have learned on my own as I have been more honest with myself...) that independence simply won't work in a marriage! We have to find ways to be vulnerable and to let our spouses see things that nobody else ever has or will. This is scary.
For me, letting him in to my struggle not only with how I am feeling about the A, but about all of my internal issue that led up to it has been a huge step towards building intimacy. I have noticed that letting him see the "ugly" in me has only made him feel closer and more connected, which is what he has desired all along. It seems counter-intuitive, but try it. The realization that I have been emotionally stunted has been a very tough pill to swallow. But trust me, once you make that realization and work everyday to make yourself a better person, your BS will take notice. And the trust between you will grow.
I also get excited by "good days" and I feel she might see that as me moving on from what I have done. Truth is I think about it all of the time.
It's not a cure all, but I read a study that said people trust each other more if they hug for 30 seconds or more.
We have been taking several routes to reconcile. I closed all my social networking pages, he has all my passwords, my number and email addresses have been changed, old email addressed are closed. He has access to everything. I go to school and come home. I text him when I leave to go somewhere, when I arrive, when I leave again, and when I make it home. I go to bed when he goes to bed (which I like). We have journals we write our feelings in. No negative mean things though. Just good things or sad feelings we may be having. He talks about his triggers a lot. They have helped a lot. you might want to try it. We leave the journals out so we can read them whenever we want. We dont talk about what we read. We just try to do the things we may write about. We have also been reading A wife after Gods own Heart and a Husband after Gods own heart. We have never been the religious type, but the bibles views on marriage have been so helpful. We feel if we would have followed its way a marriage should be, we would not have had trouble. I love those books. I also have the 5 languages of Love. I haven't made it to that book yet. I am in IC and we start MC next week.
I am glad your here. I helps to see people with the same issue. This has been an emotional roller coaster. I never know when to be happy or sad. I am scared to be too happy when things are good, and scared to be sad when things are good. I just have to watch his face and his tone and play off of those. I hope you two can make it. I have hope my H and I, because I am willing to do whatever it takes.