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Twice bitten...

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KickedInTheNuts posted 4/21/2013 22:11 PM

I'm back, and it sucks donkey balls.

I originally joined up here in late 2011, shortly after DDay #1, as I was frantically Googling for advice. That situation 17 months ago, with support and advice from this forum, ultimately helped bring us closer together, and to repair some of the relationship fracturing that had occurred. Behaviors changed and I thought our relationship was on the mend. I really thought we were on our way to reconciliation. All'y'all warned me about her behavior and the likliness of being a repeat offenders, and wow, should I have listened.

I now find myself back here again in April 2013, as that great exposer of truth, Facebook, has shown me that all is not well. The little signs, indicators and unusual behavior were there over the last few months, but I guess I was too blind to believe it could happen again. It wasn't until I collected some FB PM and Email evidence that the truth was exposed.

This time I have proof that it was a PA, and not an EA like she said the first one was. But you know what lawyers say "one false all false". Everything has been a lie I guess, and who knows for how long I have been the schmuck.

My biggest worry right now is for my kids and what this will do to them. They have no clue about anything from the last 18 months, but I feel like D is the only option at this time, and I figure that eventually they will learn the truth of their mother's adultery. Just like everybody, I have the most smart, observant kids.

I am resigned to the fact that the R is over, but God am I terrified. I'm terrified of:
1. Calling a lawyer tomorrow
2. Being single again after 20 years...really?
3. Explaining to my kids why they won't see their mother again (I'm 98% sure she is going to move 1000's of miles away to be with him. Custody for me shouldn't be a problem, given her history.)
4. Being alone. She was by best friend, and really my only friend.
5. How I'm going to function at work (I've already written an email asking for some time off)
6. Locking down bank accounts

(BTW, any other tactical stuff I should do on Monday morning to protect myself and kids?)

Thank you confused615 for this: "...that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died."

[This message edited by KickedInTheNuts at 10:16 PM, April 21st (Sunday)]

mysticpenguin posted 4/21/2013 23:41 PM

I'm so sorry you find yourself here again :( No one deserves this type of betrayal, especially twice, especially during false R! :(

I personally have never divorced nor do I have children, but having gone through some pretty severe trauma (loss of a pregnancy, sudden loss of my 29-year-old cousin who was like my brother, and on and on), may I suggest not taking a ton of time off work - maybe work half-days, or work majoritively from home? I find it's easier to deal with loss and other types of trauma when your brain has to go: "Okay, I need to be focused from 8am to 5pm, then I need to XYZ, then I can have an hour or two or three to look back on bad/good times / get mad / get sad / etc." Otherwise I tend to wake up and go, "Oh boy, time to feel sad/mad/confused again!"

Not that anything is going to make it easy :/ So sorry.

Jrazz posted 4/21/2013 23:47 PM

I'm so sorry. As always we're here for you.


simpleguy78 posted 4/22/2013 03:37 AM

that sucks man..i'm not the best advice giver.but i would really talk to her before going into the whole D thing.i know what you are feeling.

KickedInTheNuts posted 4/22/2013 04:09 AM

Thanks all.

SimpleGuy78 I can tell from your sig that we do have some things in common. I don't know what me and WW have to talk about though. 17 months of false R. I don't know the whole truth, but I figure 3-5 other men have been "in there" and that just disgusts me. I tried for a long time to R. I put the first A behind me. But the deceit is the deal breaker for me. The lies are worse than anything else, I think.

Ya, mysticpenguin, I'm WFH this week. There are just some affairs I need to get in order, and I can't be thinking about that at the office. I'll be probably 50% this week. But it's all fair - I worked 93 hours last week

Nothing like a 93 hour work week capped off by a DDay, eh?

stillhere09 posted 4/22/2013 06:30 AM

(BTW, any other tactical stuff I should do on Monday morning to protect myself and kids?)

You are right to protect bank accounts, even take out what is yours and put elsewhere, maybe in a safe deposit box.

Hard copy all evidence of her affairs, even if you are in a no-fault state. Keep these hidden, too.

Keep all documents, like tax returns, bills, receipts, etc. in a safe place. Your lawyer will tell you what to keep safe, if you ask him.

confused615 posted 4/22/2013 06:39 AM

Im so sorry you're back here,and that she has done this ..again.

I've never heard the "one false,all false" saying..but it certainly fits.

You're welcome for the quote. I came across it shortly after dday3...where he dropped major TT on me after 2.5 years of what I thought was R. The TT? That there had been another AP/PA that took place a few months prior to dday1. I was just so....fitting. All the hope...all the new found closeness..all one instance.

So false...ALL false.

I wish you strength today.


[This message edited by confused615 at 6:40 AM, April 22nd (Monday)]

mchercheur posted 4/22/2013 07:03 AM

I am so sorry (((KITN))).

For us BSs, this is our worst fear.
Sending you strength.

TrustGone posted 4/22/2013 08:21 AM

I am so sorry that she is doing it to you again. I know how devastating a second DDay is. It actually sucked worse than the first DDay because my WH#2 knew how devastated I was on DDay #1 and then swore NC. He just took it underground for another year. I was crushed that he thought so little of me after everything he had put me through.

Now you know, you have to concentrate on you and your children. She is a lost cause at this point. Take some time to focus on just what you need to do and do it. I know it isn't easy to do that, but it is what you must do at this point in time. See a lawyer and get your ducks in a row. Again I am so sorry. (((HUGS)))

Tred posted 4/22/2013 08:23 AM

For us BSs, this is our worst fear.

No shit. KITN, sorry bro. I can't imagine false R, I think it would break me. Stay strong for your kids.

heforgotme posted 4/22/2013 09:55 AM

I agree with you that there is nothing to talk about.

I am in awe of how you are handling this. Stay logical and focused until you get these practicalities taken care of. Try not to think about the single/alone thing. For all intents and purposes you've been that for a couple years now.

Let us know how today goes. We will all be thinking of you.

simplydevastated posted 4/22/2013 13:33 PM

I'm so sorry to hear this. False R sucks! She has shown you what she thinks about you and your relationship. Now, you need to focus on you and your children.

Don't worry about being alone. My husband was my only friend for the longest time. You will meet other people. You can join special interest groups etc... Don't let this play into any decision you need to make.

You will be fine.


KickedInTheNuts posted 4/22/2013 14:18 PM

You are all awesome, thank you

I took three major steps today, all of which were very hard to do, and brought on a severe emotional responses. I guess each step I take is one closer to dissolution of our M, and that hurts.

The first was to lock down our saved money in the bank accounts. I actually proposed this to her prior to doing it, with the idea of making me feel safer. She went along with it, surprisingly. It's not like there won't be an accounting of all financial activity in D court anyway.

The second was to contact a divorce attorney. I'm currently waiting to get confirmation of an appointment. This one really hurt.

The third was to setup an annual physical (I'm overdue ), and request an STD screen at the same time. They obliged. Amazingly, they had a cancellation for tomorrow they could slip me into...these things are usually booked months out.


[This message edited by KickedInTheNuts at 2:19 PM, April 22nd (Monday)]

simplydevastated posted 4/22/2013 14:30 PM

You're taking all the right steps. You need to protect yourself and your children. I know how hard it is talking to a lawyer. I saw one in 2010 (hoping to be working by now) and I cried the entire time. I dont think I asked nearly enough questions as I should. Start making notes of any and all questions you can think of and keep it in a safe place.

The STD testing is good. Hopefully she doesn't give any "parting gifts."

karmahappens posted 4/22/2013 14:45 PM


I am sorry, so sorry. I think a second DDAY is the worst. After seeing the pain the A causes to inflict that trauma a second time, to me, is unforgivable.

I would be as honest with my kids as possible, according to their age. Let them know you are there to answer questions and that their sadness and fears are valid and they are heard. They will be ok, you all will time.

Strength and hugs in the weeks to come, you can get through it. You are worth having a true best friend and lover that will walk beside you in life.


tushnurse posted 4/22/2013 15:13 PM

You are right that does suck Major Donkey Balls.

You are handling things well though. Good for you for going to get tested too. So many men ignore this step in helping their overall well being.

Your kids are big enough to figure out what has happened when the shit hits the proverbial fan. And even though they are big, it's important that you tell them that it has nothing to do with them, and that you will be there for them. They will have to deal with some abandonment issues if she chooses to go, you may want to set up some councilor appt's for them ahead of time. It can take months to get in.

You need to take half of the money, in savings, and in any other accounts, and hide it. Locking it down, is not fail proof. Open new accounts in your name only at a different bank.

You are doing what I feel is the right thing. I know in my heart that if it ever happened again, I would be very done.

Being single scares you really? Or being alone? I get that, but you will be able to reach out, and make new friends, and no you don't have to have a relationship to feel happy. As you start to navigate through the process of separating work may be a godsend. Something to take your attentions away from the constant thoughts of what you are dealing with at home.

Much like the initial D Day you need to be sure you are caring for yourself. Eating, drinking, and sleeping. Talk to your Dr tomorrow, and let them know what you are going through, and if you are already struggling get something to help with the anxiety.

((((and strength ))))

simplydevastated posted 4/24/2013 13:49 PM

Hi KITN (ok, after I just shortened your screenname I'm reading it as Kitten now. Sorry)

I wanted to check in and see how you're doing. Did you get a confirmation about the appointment with a lawyer?

libertyrocks posted 4/24/2013 13:59 PM

Man! I'm so sorry!! I think I'm going to be like you, so I'm trying to gather the strength to leave.

Advice, take her off your accounts for sure.

I feel the same. I'm scared my half ass best friend and only friend will be gone.

Sometimes, you just have to do it!

I never thought women would cheat as much as men. But, I guess it goes for everyone.

Fuck her.
And, fuck my WH.

You and I deserve better. Just think of all the pain she caused you and the kids.

Big hug to you.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 1:59 PM, April 24th (Wednesday)]

OK now posted 4/24/2013 15:42 PM

She sounds as if your WW is mentally unstable; addicted to the affair highs to the point of eventual self-destruction. This mother is leaving her 2 children and doesn't care about their welfare and what they must think of her desertion.

Sounds crazy to me, and crazy people make bad decisions which eventually bite them in the ass. She will be moving from the security of her family to be at the mercy of the OM with presumably no medical insurance or job.
Press on with the divorce and lean on SI for advice and support. All you can do his be there for your kids and get this toxic woman out of your life.

Rebreather posted 4/24/2013 16:37 PM

Hi Kicked. Don't want to say 'welcome back' because I sure wish you didn't have to be here.

You sound strong. I am sure this must be horribly painful and maddening. You are taking the right steps.

Have you confronted her yet?

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