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When my H finally confessed to me April 5th (this year) telling me he had a ONS in the fall of 2007, my body became weak, and I could say no more. So I left the house late in the evening and went to my son's home. For a few hours, I believed I could forgive him, and I knew it would be difficult thing to do. As the days went by, my instincts would not let me go. I kept on feeling that there was more to his story, more secrets. So, last Thursday he confessed to another fling. This happened in 1997, when he was working in Germany. He said "she seduced" me. They were in a bar. This women apparently "seduced" him twice. Yes, he went with the same women twice. And, now, he swears that is all the truth. No more secrets. That is it. I believe him this time. And I do believe he loves me. And that he is petrified to lose me. I have both doors opened, I can walk out and never look back. Make him feel empty for the rest of his miserable life. Somehow, I don't want to do that. I want to stay, go to marriage counseling and make this work. But I am scared to death, that after 2 months, 6 months, even 2 years that I look back and say, shit, why did I not leave you when you f... dropped the bomb on me. I will pray, and pray hard. And when I feel I am ready to make that "decision", I will. Tonight, I am leaning more towards the forgiving side.

36 years is hard to walk away from; I know that from personal experience. My husband wanted R but he didn't want to do the work - then there was that pesky OW whom he just couldn't walk away from, either. After 8 months of his affair when I did NOT know, then another 8 months of TT & False R when I did know, he still couldn't give it up.... I did file for D because I simply could not take any more. Had he made the REAL effort to R and had he been totally transparent, the D wouldn't have happened, I would have stayed.... because 36 years of Marriage and Family and loving a man whom I trusted with my life was nearly impossible to give up.... for me. Apparently not for him. So.... if you decide to R, your WS MUST MUST MUST go to IC and MC and he must be totally honest with you. Do NOT let him do otherwise.... he doesn't like counseling ? Tough. Neither do I but, after infidelity, it has to happen. A wandering husband and a betrayed spouse have too many issues to solve themselves. I just wanted to let you know, those who have not invested so many years often do not understand the reluctance to call it done. They don't realize the full impact of that many years of family lost. My heart aches for you.... it's a really crummy CRUMMY situation to be in and no spouse should EVER do that to another. If my husband had made a sincere effort to fix himself (he finally said he "didn't want to work that hard") and would have given up the bimbo, I would still be there, trying to work through it. Sending hugs.....

Why would you forgive? I mean,what has he done to earn that forgiveness? He just confessed to a second affair...after weeks of lying and swearing you knew everything.

If you forgive to quickly,he will rugsweep. And that won't bode well for your marriage or R.

Im always surprised by the BS's who say they believe they know everything..*now.* This person has lied to you for nearly 20 years about his first affair. 20 years of lies. So,clearly,he is a liar...and a cheater. Please,be very careful in thinking you know everything. Chances are,you don't.

((((livebythesea))))

I also understand how difficult it it to walk away from a long marriage. It is a difficult decision to make---but you don't have to make that decision today. You can even try to R, & make the decision to D down the road if WH does not do the work he needs to do.

Now that you have this new information, why not ask him to take a poly again - see if he is more willing this time?

But I am scared to death, that after 2 months, 6 months, even 2 years that I look back and say, shit, why did I not leave you when you f... dropped the bomb on me.

After 2 months, 6 months, even 2 years you are allowed to change your mind. He changed his mind about his wedding vows when he cheated on you, so you should have absolutely no guilt about changing your mind if you decide to reconcile now and then have second thoughts.

These are still early days though. You don't have to decide about anything at all right now.

Take care!

I get wanting to attempt R. I also get the fear of wasting time. However in the grand scheme of things this time will be limited.

You probably need to sit down with him with a clear deliniation of what you want to R. What your conditions are, and of course the consequences should he not follow through.

Read in the healing library up to the left side of your screen. There is a ton of good information that may help you figure out your feelings, and what you need to attempt R.

((( and strength )))

It''s totally up to you, if you stay or not. And you can change your mind any time you want, one way or the other. Take the time that YOU need to figure out what you really want and need to do.

BTW, I call a Bull Puckey on "she seduced me." Unless she threw him to the ground, cut his pants off, tied a ruler to his thang, and then stuffed it inside of herself, it was a decision that HE made. Twice. I may offer you an apple, but it''s your decision to take a bite or not. (((hugs)))

edited because I cannot spell

[This message edited by Skan at 9:24 PM, April 22nd, 2013 (Monday)]