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Our kids have to accept "crumbs" ... ?

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dmari posted 4/22/2013 00:05 AM

In Baggagereclaim, the author uses the term "crumbs". Here is a recent quote "When you donít feed you and then somebody comes along and showboats with their crumbs, it can feel like finding water in the desert and it puts the other personís efforts out of context."

I am in the process of acknowledging that all I knew was crumbs but I deserve and am worthy of the whole damn cookie ... wait a sec ... the whole package of cookies.

What about our children? They "have" to accept "crumbs" because that is all that they are offered by the parent. How do you stop that cycle? I don't want my kids to ever be in a relationship and feel like they only deserve crumbs, you know?

What triggered this post was seeing my stbx's most recent text to the kids. Quick background: kids do not want to see or communicate with stbx and haven't for 2 months (DS14) and 5 months (DD17). At our court date last month, he accused me of not allowing him to communicate with children for which I promptly showed cell phone records that blatantly showed HE made little effort to contact DS14 and no effort to contact DD17. Since then, he has been consistently sending texts about every other day. Pretty generic stuff like "Have a great week", "Hope you Monday was fun", etc. Todays text states "Do you want to go to Iron 3 on May 5? If you are still angry with me you don't have to sit or talk with me. Let dad know."

Seriously. What the hell makes him think that the kids will want to watch a movie with him? It such a stupid text. STBX has never acknowledged what he has done. Never apologized. The kids are angry and rightfully so. They see their therapists weekly and are processing the abandonment and betrayal and loss. HE DOESN'T GET IT! It hurts me to see my STBX sending them these useless texts.

My therapist says that at least he is trying. Is this trying? I don't think this is "trying"? Am I expecting too much? I think there are a few here that have WS's who are decent parents but I think the majority are like me. Any insight? Experience?

Nature_Girl posted 4/22/2013 00:20 AM

I think it's horrible. My STBX is a shitty dad, but he thinks he's dad of the year because he showers the kids with gifts & toys and fantastic outings. But when he turns into Mad Dad and loses his shit at them & screams at them & makes them cry & brings them home early to teach them a lesson? Oh well. No biggie. No apology. No conversation with them about it. Just move on to the next movie or outing or sending them home with three dozen toy dinosaurs (yes, I counted!). Crumbs. Crumbs from a crummy dad.

Thank the Lord for counselors.

GabyBaby posted 4/22/2013 00:36 AM

What about our children? They "have" to accept "crumbs" because that is all that they are offered by the parent. How do you stop that cycle? I don't want my kids to ever be in a relationship and feel like they only deserve crumbs, you know?
Luckily (if that's the right word) they're getting the whole pack of cookies from at least ONE of their parents, so they DO know the difference. That, in my opinion, is how you break that cycle for them. Show them what the love of a "real" parent looks and feels like. When you make a mistake, admit it, apologize, and move forward. Teach them those things...not the unicorn shitting "reality" that their so-called father shows them...when he bothers to contact them, that is.

dmari posted 4/22/2013 01:30 AM

Nature_Girl: I second that vote on thanking the Lord for therapists!!

GabyBaby: You have made an excellent point! Thank you! Thank you!

SBB posted 4/22/2013 03:50 AM

Luckily (if that's the right word) they're getting the whole pack of cookies from at least ONE of their parents, so they DO know the difference.

And this is just the mantra I was looking for. Thank you GabyBaby. It really helps me right now and will do so for the next 16 years.

Bluebird26 posted 4/22/2013 05:28 AM

I guess it's about getting your kids to feel empowered enough to reject this type of relationship.

My xwh has self sabotaged his relationship with our oldest son (14) he hasn't spoken too or seen his father now for about 6 weeks, he has no desire too either. His father kept giving him crumbs, a lot of the time even less then crumbs and previously he kept accepting it as he is a people pleaser, not unlike myself. We, (myself and the IC) have been encouraging him to respectfully stand up for himself and to insist on boundaries, if he keeps treating you like xyz and you keep accepting xyz behaviour then you keep telling him xyz is ok so he will keep doing xyz.

GabyBaby posted 4/22/2013 08:47 AM

My kids are nearly 20 and 17yrs old. Their father can be quite the Disney dad (he never says "no" when they ask for this gadget or that). However, when it comes to the consistent person, the stable person- in other words, when they really need something that has nothing to do with acquiring yet another toy, they come to me.

They know.

damncutekitty posted 4/22/2013 09:55 AM

Sending texts is not "trying". Sending texts is a half-assed way of attempting to appear as if he cares. But the kids know better.

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