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Newest Member: missbelieveit (47676)

User Topic: Shame - Unhealthy and Healthy
♂ 38954
Member # 38954
Default  Posted: 4:34 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had counselling today which went well.

Question though.

What is the difference between healthy and unhealthy shame?

Posts: 95 | Registered: Apr 2013
♀ 35862
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 5:02 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here...IMO there is a huge difference.

Healthy shame allows you to look at the situation and see what you can do to make it and yourself better.

Unhealthy shame makes you defensive, moody and angry. You blame others and have a poor me attitude.

I've seen both from my H.

Me: BS H: WS
4 kids
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 752 | Registered: Jun 2012
♂ 30369
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My general understanding of it is that with healthy shame, you are ashamed of your actions and and poor choices. Unhealthy shame is when you view yourself as a worthless human being, unworthy of love, deserving of unkindness/abuse, etc.

"Life is hard. People are complicated. There are no guarantees." - Rebreather

Posts: 12853 | Registered: Dec 2010
♀ 36853
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC explained it that:

shame is the feeling that! "I am bad" and that is unhealthy.

Guilt is the feeling that I have done or am doing something bad. This is healthy because it prompts us not to do things that are harmful to ourselves or others.

fWW 40s, BH 40s
D-day 27 Aug 2012. Kids 23, 16, 11. 2 dogs.

I edit often to fix stuff ☺️

Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.

Posts: 1671 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
♂ 35025
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

toasted, shame sucks period, its what you do with it that determines if it is healthy or unhealthy. Those of us who use it as motivation for change will accept the shame see it for what it is and use it.

Some get stuck in it, mired down by shame and self loathing. Or use it as a shield for defense. That is unhealthy.

Same feeling just have to determine what your gonna do with it.

Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
♀ 24518
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

check on Brene Brown for some great information on shame. Here's a link to her TED talk

Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect

Posts: 12249 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
♂ 38954
Member # 38954
Default  Posted: 3:29 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the responses, very helpful

Posts: 95 | Registered: Apr 2013
♂ 37630
Member # 37630
Default  Posted: 3:39 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I saw the title and immediately Brene Brown's speech at TED came to mind. So, I opened the thread to post. inconnu already mentioned it.

It is a must watch for everybody, especially WSs I think. I stumbled upon it and told WW to have a look. It certainly helped WW see things differently.

BBF-turned-BH: 28 (Me)
WGF-turned-WW: 28 (EmotionalFool)
POS1: a 'friend'? WW believed it was my 'best friend'!
POS2: her senior at work!
Together - 6 years
Married - 1.5 years
D-Day- 15/10/12

Don't know where we are headed..

Posts: 276 | Registered: Nov 2012
Topic Posts: 8

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