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not enough A talk

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Itsgoingtobeok posted 4/22/2013 09:05 AM

4 months from D day and I feel I'm still getting TT .Our mc just wants us to focus on the m which I've been doing but it haunts me not knowing what my WW is thinking ? Did anyone in R ever get the answer to the why question ? Does anyone in R ever know if their WS still has feeling for the OM ? Has anyone ever seen their WS have that blank look on them?
There are times that I see she is doing the work for R but then there are times I see the blank look which raises a bunch of flags to me ?

thumbelina posted 4/22/2013 10:33 AM

WS here. The way you describe your wife could have me up until very recently. I want to confirm that what you're feeling is entirely accurate, and if you feel there is more, there is. You will not begin to fully heal and trust your WW until you KNOW in your gut that you have the full story. It helped me a lot to hear from my BS that he could not begin to heal and trust me until he felt that I was being fully open and vulnerable to him, which includes talking about unresolved feelings I have about the A and OM.

Is she in IC? Does she open up about about her feelings in MC? She is probably very, very confused at this point about how she feels and is likely consumed with guilt, shame, and feelings about all of the issues that led to the A in the first place.

Also, it sounds like your MC is encouraging rugsweeping, and wants to let your WW off the hook a bit. This can't happen if you guys are really going to move closer. You have to listen to your gut and make sure you have all of your questions answered and can see the full picture. Anything less than that is unfair to you, and will only serve to widen the divide that already exists between you and your WW.

[This message edited by thumbelina at 10:34 AM, April 22nd (Monday)]

sisoon posted 4/22/2013 12:20 PM

Are you talking about this in MC sessions? If your MC is actively moving you away from A issues into M issues, get a new MC. The quicker, the better.

Many MCs work on the belief that As stem from M issues, but SI's recommendation is to look for an MC who addresses the A first and then addresses M issues, if any are left over. This may be based on the idea that you can't deal with M issues until the partners trust each other, and the BS is unlikely to trust - and IMO shouldn't trust - the WS until the A has been dealt with and the WS has done a lot of work on herself.

I saw a blank look on my W during the A and during post-D-Day discussions/interrogations. I don't see how anyone can R with a blank look. (Of course, my W's blank look could mean something different from your W's.)

Despite probable problems with the MC, 4 months is still early in the healing process, so keep up your hope.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:22 PM, April 22nd (Monday)]

confused615 posted 4/22/2013 12:23 PM

This MC has encouraged rugsweeping from the start. You were advised then to get another MC,or this problem would get worse. And it has.

Fire the MC,and find one qualified to help with couples dealing with infidelity. One that encourages complete transparency and honesty. One that understands trust is earned through actions,not because the WW thinks she should have it.

mmmbop3 posted 4/22/2013 14:42 PM

The rugsweeping MC was one of my biggest problems. We are over a year out and still working on the whole counseling aspect. I'd say WS might need an IC before you start with a different MC together.

Itsgoingtobeok posted 4/22/2013 21:14 PM

Confused I hear you . I interviewed 2ea Mc and visited one other but they just don't measure up to what I need . Our current MC is our best option for now . I'm going to continue the serch . Thanks for all your suport

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