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Newest Member: ChumpInMP (46060)

User Topic: Do I?
ALittleLost
♀ 36152
Member # 36152
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My son in a soccer fanatic. 2 months ago he tried out for a team, but did not make it; I cried for him. This weekend the coach approached him and told him he was handpicked for an additional team they decided to send. He is over the moon. He tried to call his Dad to tell him. Dad didn't answer, but called back when ds was in the shower. We called him back, but he was too busy with his new life/priorities to answer. He texted me after bedtime saying he would call the next day .... but surprise surprise he didn't (break promises much?!)

So I drafted a simple email to him, but I am conflicted as to whether or not to send it. Do I let him know the impact of his unavailability is having on our son? Or let him face the consequences (son withdrawing from him) of his continuing bad decisions. My draft:

DS was so excited to be chosen for a soccer team to represent JSSL arsenal next month.
He could not wait to tell you ..... but you didn't call him back - not on Saturday after he tried a few times to reach you or Sunday as you said you would.

It would be great if you could try to keep your promises to him. (A part of me then wants to include "I find it very sad and disappointing that I need to write this to you." But I think I will keep my feelings out of it ....)

STBWXH will likely never live in the same country as his children and will struggle in the best of situations to maintain a good relationship with them. I am currently thinking he needs to own this. I know it will hurt them that his is not involved in their lives, but I think this is his issue.

Thoughts?


BS Me 38
WH Him 39
Married 12 years
DS1 7 yrs, DS2 1 yr

DD1 Sep 2011 all a lie
DD2 Jun 2012 found his secret email
3 Confirmed EA/PA over span of 2.5 yrs
Still with OW#3 - 23rd old gold digger
At least 3 visits to Prostitutes
Status: D


Posts: 69 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Overseas
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't do it. Don't send it. There is no way it won't come back to bite you in the ass.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10158 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
tryingagain74
♀ 33698
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with N_G. There's no point in sending that. He'll get defensive, come after you, or turn your words against you in some way. Just keep being supportive of your son, encouraging him to call his dad and making him available for calls like you always have. Unfortunately, it is a hard lesson that your DS will have to learn on his own, but he'll also be learning that his mom is there for him and has his back even if his father chooses to be absent.

(((ALittleLost and DS)))


FBS; now happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3659 | Registered: Oct 2011
dmari
♀ 37215
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't send it. I am learning that my children will have to learn to cope with whatever "relationship" they have with their father. There isn't anything WE can do to make it better unfortunately. Of course your intention is good but your focus needs to be on providing an empathetic ear and soft place to land for your son as he deals with disappointments regarding dad.


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2340 | Registered: Oct 2012
TrustGone
♀ 36654
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do not get involved in it. I learned that you can not keep making excuses for an absent parent or trying to make them see what they are doing. It is best to just keep quiet, be there for him yourself, and let the ex deal with his own fall out in the end.


BW-52
WH#2-53
M-10 yrs T-12 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
DD#4-11/28/14 He ran off to be with OW after assaulting me
Divorcing

Posts: 2518 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
confused51
♀ 29269
Member # 29269
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm dealing with something close to you as Ex went out of town and didn't include the kids again. I told the kids yesterday not to count on their dad for anything. If he does include them just thing of it as a bonus.

Posts: 139 | Registered: Aug 2010
Amazonia
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As tough as it is, the legwork of your ex's relationship with your son isn't your job.

You can, however, overcompensate on the love and excitement that your son gets from his Mom! for his sake, but it's dad's job to either maintain or destroy his own relationship with his kids.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13935 | Registered: Jul 2011
Phoenix1
♀ 38928
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is responsible for his own relationship with his child, not you. Keep being the loving, supportive mother. His father will see the repercussions eventually, and it will be entirely his problem. Your son will arrive at his own conclusions, but as long as he knows he can always count on mom, you have nothing to worry about.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1317 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
newlysingle
♀ 38735
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the others, you can't make him be a dad. I'm so sorry for your little boy. My STBX is the same way with my kids and it is so hurtful to witness. He doesn't even care about the baby, never asks about him.

I texted him awhile back to let him know that dd had read her first book by herself and maybe he could call her soon and ask her about it. She was so proud. Never happened.


BW - Me (38)
XWH -The Gnat
OW - Hello Kitty the Whore Engaged to the Gnat. I hear the white trash, wedding bells as we speak.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (7), 1 DS (2)
Dday 3/13
Happily Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 986 | Registered: Mar 2013
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the others. You can't make him be a dad.

He was a son once - he knows what he is doing. He doesn't give a shit - its not a priority.

I know it hurts to see your son hurting like this but you need to focus on helping him deal with this - and on being the present, interested, invested and loving parent.

They only need one good parent - and you're a great one.

This makes me so mad and sad.

((ALittleLost and DS))


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5738 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Ashland13
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't send it. I think it's good to write it and then throw it out.

We have that going on too. STBXH has missed a ton of DD's life events in favor of the A and it makes me ache for her. Her pain brings me fresh pain.

However, she is already seeing through anyone who doesn't keep a promise. She remembers each and every person who lets her down as if she keeps a journal of it. Sometimes she tells me a disappointment.

She told me several times recently, "I don't trust daddy. I go with him so it won't make a fight. He's moody and yells at me."

So I agree with the other posts and have seen this with other local split families.

Our neighbors, who I've posted about before on SI, have a teenager and elementary aged kids and they actually make fun of the dad now. The dad their is the XWS and has no credence or honor with his kids. It makes me sad because they lost that role model, but maybe he never was one?

They are starting to ask to not spend time with him, esp. when XWH and OW there wind up in the hopper while having their kid visits. Or don't cook dinner because they're drunk and the little DS9 tries to make the "family" dinner.

Karma with kids doesn't fail to come around, but as BS, it's really awful to watch our kids pain, isn't it?

Anyone I know who has been in your spot, ALL, has had it bite them. Then, there's pain on top of pain.

I hope you figure out what to do and get back to other things soon. For me, being the best mom I can is enough when that stuff happens and any other time. It's hard not to compare myself to Perv but it happens and its my feeling better to always do what I tell DS I will.

I also go to great length to make no promises to her and she actually told me on vacation, "mom, you're the only one I have who does what they say and is always there for me." This made me teary in a good way and was more validation than any other on the planet.


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2424 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Kajem
♀ 36134
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Normally I would say Don't send it. But you also say your X will most likely never live in the same country as your son... He needs to realize that him not doing what he said he would do has a negative affect on his son. It will eventually have a negative affect on his relationship with his son.

How is your relationship with your X, Do you talk about your kids? Does he listen to what you have to say? or does he just dismiss what you have to say?

I think you need to look at your relationship with him currently, if you think he would be open to hearing how his actions hurt his son... Do not confuse who he was in your marriage to who he is now... if you can do that and think the letter would be received without malice. Then I would send it.

If you don't think it would change anything... then don't waste your time. Give the time to your son...

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5746 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
ALittleLost
♀ 36152
Member # 36152
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nearly unanimous - thanks everyone. I didn't send it.

Kajem - you bring up a really good point and something I have been struggling with. DS is 7 and when you are 7, your world is based on the one or two things that happened to you in the last few hours. Without some input from me, STBXWH will have almost no clue what is going on in DS's life. I am reading the SandCastle book on how to help children deal with divorce and it says you should try to give as much info as possible to the other spouse so that they can be involved in the child's life.

To be honest ... I am really divided. I don't want to own his relationship with his child, he should. And that means actively doing everything he can to be involved. And if he isn't, that is one more bad choice he will have to face consequences for.

On the other hand, when Daddy doesn't ask how he did in the tournament or check in on important dates in his life, he is going to feel abandoned and alone.

At the moment, my relationship with STBX is .... nonexistent. My anger is finally kicking in and it is exacerbated by watching him disconnect from the 2 most important people in our lives (our 2 DS). This may evolve, but I have a feeling he has moved in with someone (one of the OW or someone new - who knows?), so until I get to the "I really honestly don't care" phase, I will likely remain as NC as possible.


BS Me 38
WH Him 39
Married 12 years
DS1 7 yrs, DS2 1 yr

DD1 Sep 2011 all a lie
DD2 Jun 2012 found his secret email
3 Confirmed EA/PA over span of 2.5 yrs
Still with OW#3 - 23rd old gold digger
At least 3 visits to Prostitutes
Status: D


Posts: 69 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Overseas
Kajem
♀ 36134
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My impression of the Sandcastles book was the it would work if Both parents were amicable or at the very least civil and willing to work together for the children.

My situation with XH was (for a lot of years) no where near civil.

In order to keep him advised of the kids (we have 4) schedules, I put everything on and online calendar and gave him access. This also helped to punch holes in his Parental Alienation Charges that I was keeping information from him. Maybe that is a way for you to tell him what is going on in your sons lives without actually have to contact him.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5746 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Topic Posts: 14

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