I knew this weekend would be stressful because decided we were going to visit our parents and tell them we're expecting our third child (woohoo!).
If there's one word that sums up my Mum it's 'consistent'!! She went completely off the handle- "wrong time", "is the baby definitely yours", "how can you bring a baby into this", "no precautions?", you can imagine the list- it seemed endless! I was prepared for it though and had already gone through each point with my wife weeks ago so to be honest- I felt and still feel OK about this one. We then went on to her Mum's house- much smoother and we felt like we could be happy and excited with her. Then onto her Dad's- it was nice to have a massive slice of normal from her Dad- excited but looking at me like "grrr what have you been doing with my daughter"- I loved it
Well that was Saturday- Saturday night was still to come. We were in a bar with friends and I noticed the Mrs clock someone and have a half second shock then go red faced never looking in that direction again- I now know the face of another of her ONSs. He didn't come anywhere near but I had a massive urge to punch him in the face- I even fantasized about it. After a few pints I was ready for it but then I looked at my wife, she looked sad and was just looking at me- so, I went home with my wife instead.
On Sunday I couldn't help thinking if I've wussed out- that dude fucked my wife and I've just stood there like tool as if I'm OK about it- makes me sick! My mates were saying if they were me they'd have knocked his block off and I would have done the same but, what good would it have done for the Mrs and our little family. It's like the wife says- it's not really about him- she doesn't know his name, thinks it begins with 'P' is as far as she got- this in itself is both a depressing and comforting thought.
I don't know whether I'm strong or weak for doing nothing??!! I know the who 'turn the other cheek' malarkey but- he fucked my wife- surely that goes out the window??!
Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.
You did the right thing. Instead of feeling down about it, you should feel proud you didn't stoop to his level. He's not worth your time or energy.
Yesterday and today all I've thought about pretty much is what I could have done to him- I'm not even a fighter type! If you'd seen him too-about 5'5ft short, tight white low cut tshirt loving his biceps, outlined hair, fake tan, diamond earrings!!! I'd love to pick him up and throw him!!- That's my favourite fantasy today!!
I'm just thinking I should have done something- anything- he might be thinking I know and don't give a shit and he might have another crack at her or he might be thinking I don't know and my wife needs to get it elsewhere. I'm so fucked off about it!!!
I know I used to say if I was cheated on then I'd tell my wife to do one- well that hasn't happened!!!
[This message edited by idiot85 at 10:52 AM, April 22nd (Monday)]
So let me say first that you wussed out, definitely. What male doesn't have revenge fantasies?
But also let me say, that was the right decision. Not only don't you want to stoop to the level of others' low morality, but throwing a punch in this day could easily put you in the poor house or worse.
On the other hand, fantasizing about revenge seems like a healthy alternative to me. My favorite is the Mafia fantasy. You know the one where the Mafia guys hold their target down on a cold white public bathroom floor? One guy at the door standing lookout. Then they pull down his pants, wrap a rubber band around his junk and then slice it off and feed it to him before terminating him in some unpleasant way.
Yeah, that's the one I use. Good thing it is just fantasizing, eh? It is therapeutic though.
[This message edited by KickedInTheNuts at 11:01 AM, April 22nd (Monday)]
Kids: 18 & 16
R for 17 months, turned out to be false R. Starting the D process.
I still think I should have done/said something though.
I don't want him strutting about thinking I don't know and that she sneaks behind my back cos I don't do it right!!!
You did the right thing though, by not confronting him you begin to show that you are in control of your actions, that you are able to overcome some of your strong emotions and make a rational and intelligent decision.
Also gently as I don't know your entire situation. You say that he was a ONS. If that is the case can you be certain he even knew you existed or that your wife and you were in a relationship?
Irregardless you did the correct thing, you remained rational and stopped your emotions from forcing your hand.
But I think what you may be going through is blame-shifting. These guys who hooked up with your WS didn't actually do anything wrong (unless they were cheating themselves). Your WS is 100% responsible for everything that occurred. She should be the one fully accountable and at full blame for everything! Unless, of course, they coerced her into it or held her at gun point, which likely didn't happen. You should direct your frustration, anger, sadness, etc., toward your WS, not toward some schmuck who didn't want to pass up the opportunity to fool around with a willing woman. It is NEVER the OP's fault, in my opinion.
She offered sex to these three guys and like most men they jumped at the opportunity. She could have contracted disease, pregnancy and caused you deep humiliation. Find out why and don't resort to blame shifting or you will never resolve this issue; you must avoid brushing it under the carpet.
My favorite is the Mafia fantasy. You know the one where the Mafia guys hold their target down on a cold white public bathroom floor? One guy at the door standing lookout. Then they pull down his pants, wrap a rubber band around his junk and then slice it off and feed it to him before terminating him in some unpleasant way.
This is good. How I wold love to do that and more I have had all kinds of revenge fantasies. Some of them so gross that if I write it down here, people would call me a physchopath. Much worse than the one mentioned above. Kinda helps when in a bad mood because I believe at that time that I can pull off my fantasies.
When the mood is right, its like I could never do that. And then I feel like I wussed out!!
Just keep on telling myself that this is not a normal situation and these upswings and downswings will continue for some time.
[This message edited by CrappyLife at 7:11 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]
Don't know where we are headed..
I know it's an up/down thing but seriously- I think I'd feel a lot better if I knocked his head off, even just a kick in the nuts and it doesn't matter if he doesn't know why- I can always tell him that after. Whether he knew about me or not- he fucked my wife- it's really that simple! The other guy I can let off because I know him- he's a tart and actually said something to me- then stayed completely out of my way- he didn't shy away like a little girl. Then there's just one more to find..!!!!!!
With time though I have come to see that she just doesn't deserve to be somebody I worry about. Still not quite that zen on the inside about the whole thing, but if I ran into her I would ignore her.
"Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim." Nora Ephron
My mate said that by doing nothing the Mrs might think I'm not that bothered- hmmm dunno about this one.
Ultimately- I just don't want to come across like I wussed out!!
No. I don't think you did. Anyone can start a fight, it takes courage to stay out of one.
I hope that you are able to talk to your W about this. Tell her how you felt. That you wanted to tear his head off but resisted the urge as you don't want to complicate your R with criminal charges etc. This time is to focus on your R and your baby. That is what matters to you. Please don't feel that your masculinity is threatened by this. A real man puts his wife and family first. Always.
As for the karma bus for the OMs. Forget it. Their lifestyle will lead to karma. It has taken me three years (and many hours of fantasising about revenge) to realise I don't have to lift a finger. Because of the type of people they are, they will bring bad things on themselves. I have seen it with all four of FWH's OWs. Without going into details, I wouldn't want to be them. Their lives are awful.
Their lives are a mess and most of the "bad luck" and sadness they live with can be traced back or in some way linked to their As with my FWH.
As for the fantasisies. Enjoy them. I used to. I dreamed up the most amazing scenarios. I never planned to do them but they made me feel better.
Don't worry about them honey. Their time will come. Because of who they are, you will not have to lift a finger. They will bring it all on themselves.
I don't know whether I'm strong or weak for doing nothing??!!
Neither. You're 'sensible'.
You avoided possible jail time and didn't give OM importance he deserved.
Believe you me, I too wanted to rough up OM. I had the resources, rage and motive.
But, you know what, the repercussions stopped me. My exW would have another excuse (read violent nature) to add to the re written marital history.
Its not him, its my exW. I ruined him in other ways, but thats a different matter.
I know you're right traveldad- my wife acts like I'm a hero when I've broken up drunk young men fighting. When I've got involved she's got upset and thinks I'm stupid. My common sense is still lurking about in there- I think cheating just feels like a massive THWACK to the nuts- actually more like a sturdy flick sometimes- gives that deep hurt.
Yeah Laura- I'm hoping they get syphilis personally.
Cheers Happydays- I don't get called sensible often- I like it
I love my wife- she's my world and I've been biting my tongue with her so much so I don't make her sad. I feel like calling her every name under the sun and outing everything fucked up about her- but I'm not going to- Today is an angry/sad/emotional day.
I wonder if it would have been if I hadn't hit the dickhead? We'll never know.