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Newest Member: Ibelieved (46047)

User Topic: Always on the hurting end
stupidstupidme
♀ 11888
Member # 11888
Sad  Posted: 9:52 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I seem to do well at picking up the gauntlet and getting tough when needed with everything else, yet cannot do it with relationships/romantic partners.

I've had so many people tell me I am the strongest person they know. I've been through a LOT in the last seven years, and I've come out ok, mostly because I've gotten tough and smart...

But with love... I'm such a failure. I've tried being with men who are very much like me... disaster. I've tried someone who was polar opposite... he walked the fuck out on me and my kids. I've tried giving people I would never have considered dating in the past a chance - disaster... I've tried to keep people at arms length to avoid being hurt... can't seem to do that very well.

This last person did a number on me. I don't even know how it happened... but now I'm really scared to ever open up to having feelings again. This pain doesn't seem worth it.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19738 | Registered: Aug 2006
Newlease
♀ 7767
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SSM

I'm so sorry you are hurting again. It sucks.

Gently, how long have you gone without some form of relationship with the opposite sex? I mean, no flirtations, no FWB, no FB, no internet conversations?

Maybe you just need a nice long break to concentrate on making your life wonderful without a man.

Sending strength and peace.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7809 | Registered: Aug 2005
nowiknow23
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((ssm))))


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman


Posts: 26546 | Registered: Aug 2011
jo2love
♀ 31528
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((stupidstupidme)))

Posts: 36820 | Registered: Mar 2011
ManBearDivorce
♂ 36258
Member # 36258
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah You sound just like a friend at work. She takes every guy she meets in because she desperately wants a BF because she feels so lonely, only to get hurt and used over and over. I tell her to stay away from the opposite sex until you can really feel good about yourself and loving yourself. She doesn't listen to me at all. Shame, she is such a great person. Sorry No 2x4 from me. Just one of my related stories.

Hugs and kisses coming your way.

[This message edited by ManBearDivorce at 7:07 PM, April 22nd (Monday)]


Posts: 342 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: St.Paul Minnesota
Amazonia
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SSM, somewhere inside you, there is a reason why you invest so deeply so quickly in men, despite being the strong, amazing woman you are. Honestly this cycle is going to continue until you figure out WHY you do this, and work through that root cause.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13934 | Registered: Jul 2011
stupidstupidme
♀ 11888
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This one was 7 months, so not sure that was quickly... maybe. I do know why, and I don't do it with every man I meet, but when I begin to care... yeah - I end up caring deeply. I do know why - but I really am not sure how to change that.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19738 | Registered: Aug 2006
SoHappyNow
♀ 8923
Member # 8923
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((ssm)))))

I know how awful it can be to know that we really need to change something about ourselves and to yet be stuck at the "just HOW do I do this?" point.


In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer..Albert Camus

***Used to be hit-by-a-train***
Remarried 2/14/14


Posts: 2302 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: USA
Betrayal
♀ 9898
Member # 9898
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's the time period from when you get hurt by someone, to the time you start chatting up other men is where the problem lies. A good year, on your own, no BS male friendships, no OLD profile, no nuthin, just do you. See what happens, you might get to a place where you aren't going to end up on "hurting end". HUgs


Me,38 BS
Divorced
Married
DS Born 9/6/10

Posts: 2220 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: IL
stupidstupidme
♀ 11888
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's the time period from when you get hurt by someone, to the time you start chatting up other men is where the problem lies.

?? I don't get this. That to me seems to be the GOOD time period - not the problem one. When I am finished with the hurt and have no feelings invested in anyone at all is when I am my best.

I'll be fine. I just seem to see traits in people that I like, so I give it a chance. When the bad comes along, or whatever it is that makes it not work - I ignore and latch on to the good that I saw. That right there, IMO, is where the problem lies. I need to learn that walking away is OK.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19738 | Registered: Aug 2006
grace68
♀ 28241
Member # 28241
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC pointed out that I invest/attach the most in men who invest the least in me.

I placed higher value on them than I would someone who was really willing to open up to me.

It was a sign of the value I placed on myself in a romantic relationship.

I wouldn't have agreed with her except I took a step back and thought about the men I was attracted to.

Take some time without any male interaction except family. What is your role, or indentity, besides "mom"?

[This message edited by grace68 at 12:06 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]


Me - BS
Him - Doesn't Matter
Status: Divorced

Posts: 109 | Registered: Apr 2010
veritas
♀ 3525
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll be fine. I just seem to see traits in people that I like, so I give it a chance. When the bad comes along, or whatever it is that makes it not work - I ignore and latch on to the good that I saw. That right there, IMO, is where the problem lies. I need to learn that walking away is OK.

I think you've just become comfortable in being in a relationship by yourself. You're comfortable with driving the bus until the bus has 4 flat tires and a burnt out motor and you're left stranded in the desert with nothing but 3 Tic Tacs and a stick of gum. I think if you learned how to relate to others versus taking what you can "handle," that might be a better approach because then you weed out the people who only want to see what they can get from you. In trying not to be vulnerable, you end up being so.

[This message edited by veritas at 12:21 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10171 | Registered: Feb 2004
changedforlife
♀ 38474
Member # 38474
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's the time period from when you get hurt by someone, to the time you start chatting up other men is where the problem lies.

?? I don't get this. That to me seems to be the GOOD time period - not the problem one. When I am finished with the hurt and have no feelings invested in anyone at all is when I am my best.

I think what Betrayal was trying to say is that the time between relationships may be too short - not that that time alone was the problem.

I don't really have any advice but I love that you say you are at your best when you are on your own. That is huge.

Sorry that you were hurt again. ((ssm))


Me - BS/Him - WH (in our 40's)
Together 21 years/ 1 preschooler
D-day - Jan 24/13 He confessed about affair.
Broken NC -Feb 7-22,Feb 28,March 6
Continued Contact up to July 16
D-DAY 2-July 19 FALSE R!

Posts: 136 | Registered: Feb 2013
Amazonia
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just seem to see traits in people that I like, so I give it a chance. When the bad comes along, or whatever it is that makes it not work - I ignore and latch on to the good that I saw.

I would challenge you to keep drilling down on this. Keep asking "Why???" like you are your own proverbial obnoxious child who keeps repeating why.

You recognize what you do, now WHY do you ignore the bad stuff? Keep drilling down, keep asking why, until you hit on something that you can work with.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 1:52 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13934 | Registered: Jul 2011
idkam
♀ 18375
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I' m Sorry SSM that really sucks.... If i were you in the next relationship i wouldnt let my guard down for at least a year.... It took me 9 mos to let my guard down with SO... Although he was good to me from the start i still held back... I try not to put too much stock into the relationship in the beginning and go with the flow....

You may want to give yourself a break from any type of relationship for right now....

(((SSM)))


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
stupidstupidme
♀ 11888
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh I definitely have no desire to be in any type of involvement right now. Hell no.

Just read an article in Baggage Reclaim, thank to another member sending it to me. I think I've even read it before. It hit home. I cause myself this pain... and change is hard. Especially when each situation is different... it's hard to navigate others' real intentions vs. my own issues.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19738 | Registered: Aug 2006
I.will.survive
♀ 34677
Member # 34677
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it's hard to navigate others' real intentions vs. my own issues.

Make sure you are falling for the REAL man and not just the POTENTIAL you see.

Believe what he shows you, not what you think he's capable of.

Maybe that will help cut off the too early attachment if you see clearly the reality of the man, not the potential you think he has??


Posts: 530 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: east coast
stupidstupidme
♀ 11888
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Moment of weakness and I just have to write it out. I don't even want to tell my friends, and I'm sitting in my office upset.

I heard from him yesterday. This is an EUM (emotionally unavailable man) who knows I have feelings, but is selfish... ropes me back in when I get too far away.

His text was a small attempt to keep me engaged. I didn't reply for almost 24 hours, then it was eating at me. I basically told him that if he wants me in his life, make the effort. If it isn't worth it, consider me gone.

Why is it sometimes so hard to get away from these people? I know to look at his actions, and ignore his empty words... I know this... yet I still am hurting... fresh again right now.

Please no 2x4s - I don't have it in me today.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19738 | Registered: Aug 2006
ajsmom
♀ 17460
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What did the text say?

I didn't reply for almost 24 hours, then it was eating at me.

Why?

What was it about this particular message that was so different (Was it?) that it ate away at you?


AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21119 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
stupidstupidme
♀ 11888
Member # 11888
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, April 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a weird dynamic with us, so I don't really want to get too detailed, but basically it was that he doesn't want me going anywhere, and that instead of texting I should use my voice... and call.


Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength
August Wilson

Posts: 19738 | Registered: Aug 2006
Topic Posts: 111
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