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Always on the hurting end

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stupidstupidme posted 4/22/2013 09:52 AM

I seem to do well at picking up the gauntlet and getting tough when needed with everything else, yet cannot do it with relationships/romantic partners.

I've had so many people tell me I am the strongest person they know. I've been through a LOT in the last seven years, and I've come out ok, mostly because I've gotten tough and smart...

But with love... I'm such a failure. I've tried being with men who are very much like me... disaster. I've tried someone who was polar opposite... he walked the fuck out on me and my kids. I've tried giving people I would never have considered dating in the past a chance - disaster... I've tried to keep people at arms length to avoid being hurt... can't seem to do that very well.

This last person did a number on me. I don't even know how it happened... but now I'm really scared to ever open up to having feelings again. This pain doesn't seem worth it.

Newlease posted 4/22/2013 11:07 AM

SSM

I'm so sorry you are hurting again. It sucks.

Gently, how long have you gone without some form of relationship with the opposite sex? I mean, no flirtations, no FWB, no FB, no internet conversations?

Maybe you just need a nice long break to concentrate on making your life wonderful without a man.

Sending strength and peace.

NL

nowiknow23 posted 4/22/2013 12:55 PM

((((ssm))))

jo2love posted 4/22/2013 18:14 PM

(((stupidstupidme)))

ManBearDivorce posted 4/22/2013 19:05 PM

Yeah You sound just like a friend at work. She takes every guy she meets in because she desperately wants a BF because she feels so lonely, only to get hurt and used over and over. I tell her to stay away from the opposite sex until you can really feel good about yourself and loving yourself. She doesn't listen to me at all. Shame, she is such a great person. Sorry No 2x4 from me. Just one of my related stories.

Hugs and kisses coming your way.

[This message edited by ManBearDivorce at 7:07 PM, April 22nd (Monday)]

Amazonia posted 4/22/2013 19:38 PM

SSM, somewhere inside you, there is a reason why you invest so deeply so quickly in men, despite being the strong, amazing woman you are. Honestly this cycle is going to continue until you figure out WHY you do this, and work through that root cause.

stupidstupidme posted 4/23/2013 09:11 AM

This one was 7 months, so not sure that was quickly... maybe. I do know why, and I don't do it with every man I meet, but when I begin to care... yeah - I end up caring deeply. I do know why - but I really am not sure how to change that.

SoHappyNow posted 4/23/2013 09:33 AM

(((((ssm)))))

I know how awful it can be to know that we really need to change something about ourselves and to yet be stuck at the "just HOW do I do this?" point.

Betrayal posted 4/23/2013 10:16 AM

It's the time period from when you get hurt by someone, to the time you start chatting up other men is where the problem lies. A good year, on your own, no BS male friendships, no OLD profile, no nuthin, just do you. See what happens, you might get to a place where you aren't going to end up on "hurting end". HUgs

stupidstupidme posted 4/23/2013 10:47 AM

It's the time period from when you get hurt by someone, to the time you start chatting up other men is where the problem lies.

?? I don't get this. That to me seems to be the GOOD time period - not the problem one. When I am finished with the hurt and have no feelings invested in anyone at all is when I am my best.

I'll be fine. I just seem to see traits in people that I like, so I give it a chance. When the bad comes along, or whatever it is that makes it not work - I ignore and latch on to the good that I saw. That right there, IMO, is where the problem lies. I need to learn that walking away is OK.

grace68 posted 4/23/2013 12:05 PM

My IC pointed out that I invest/attach the most in men who invest the least in me.

I placed higher value on them than I would someone who was really willing to open up to me.

It was a sign of the value I placed on myself in a romantic relationship.

I wouldn't have agreed with her except I took a step back and thought about the men I was attracted to.

Take some time without any male interaction except family. What is your role, or indentity, besides "mom"?

[This message edited by grace68 at 12:06 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]

veritas posted 4/23/2013 12:18 PM

I'll be fine. I just seem to see traits in people that I like, so I give it a chance. When the bad comes along, or whatever it is that makes it not work - I ignore and latch on to the good that I saw. That right there, IMO, is where the problem lies. I need to learn that walking away is OK.

I think you've just become comfortable in being in a relationship by yourself. You're comfortable with driving the bus until the bus has 4 flat tires and a burnt out motor and you're left stranded in the desert with nothing but 3 Tic Tacs and a stick of gum. I think if you learned how to relate to others versus taking what you can "handle," that might be a better approach because then you weed out the people who only want to see what they can get from you. In trying not to be vulnerable, you end up being so.

[This message edited by veritas at 12:21 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]

changedforlife posted 4/23/2013 13:04 PM

It's the time period from when you get hurt by someone, to the time you start chatting up other men is where the problem lies.

?? I don't get this. That to me seems to be the GOOD time period - not the problem one. When I am finished with the hurt and have no feelings invested in anyone at all is when I am my best.

I think what Betrayal was trying to say is that the time between relationships may be too short - not that that time alone was the problem.

I don't really have any advice but I love that you say you are at your best when you are on your own. That is huge.

Sorry that you were hurt again. ((ssm))

Amazonia posted 4/23/2013 13:47 PM

I just seem to see traits in people that I like, so I give it a chance. When the bad comes along, or whatever it is that makes it not work - I ignore and latch on to the good that I saw.

I would challenge you to keep drilling down on this. Keep asking "Why???" like you are your own proverbial obnoxious child who keeps repeating why.

You recognize what you do, now WHY do you ignore the bad stuff? Keep drilling down, keep asking why, until you hit on something that you can work with.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 1:52 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]

idkam posted 4/23/2013 13:57 PM

I' m Sorry SSM that really sucks.... If i were you in the next relationship i wouldnt let my guard down for at least a year.... It took me 9 mos to let my guard down with SO... Although he was good to me from the start i still held back... I try not to put too much stock into the relationship in the beginning and go with the flow....

You may want to give yourself a break from any type of relationship for right now....

(((SSM)))

stupidstupidme posted 4/23/2013 15:02 PM

Oh I definitely have no desire to be in any type of involvement right now. Hell no.

Just read an article in Baggage Reclaim, thank to another member sending it to me. I think I've even read it before. It hit home. I cause myself this pain... and change is hard. Especially when each situation is different... it's hard to navigate others' real intentions vs. my own issues.

I.will.survive posted 4/23/2013 18:47 PM

it's hard to navigate others' real intentions vs. my own issues.

Make sure you are falling for the REAL man and not just the POTENTIAL you see.

Believe what he shows you, not what you think he's capable of.

Maybe that will help cut off the too early attachment if you see clearly the reality of the man, not the potential you think he has??

stupidstupidme posted 4/24/2013 13:13 PM

Moment of weakness and I just have to write it out. I don't even want to tell my friends, and I'm sitting in my office upset.

I heard from him yesterday. This is an EUM (emotionally unavailable man) who knows I have feelings, but is selfish... ropes me back in when I get too far away.

His text was a small attempt to keep me engaged. I didn't reply for almost 24 hours, then it was eating at me. I basically told him that if he wants me in his life, make the effort. If it isn't worth it, consider me gone.

Why is it sometimes so hard to get away from these people? I know to look at his actions, and ignore his empty words... I know this... yet I still am hurting... fresh again right now.

Please no 2x4s - I don't have it in me today.

ajsmom posted 4/24/2013 13:19 PM

What did the text say?

I didn't reply for almost 24 hours, then it was eating at me.

Why?

What was it about this particular message that was so different (Was it?) that it ate away at you?


AJ's MOM

stupidstupidme posted 4/24/2013 13:34 PM

It's a weird dynamic with us, so I don't really want to get too detailed, but basically it was that he doesn't want me going anywhere, and that instead of texting I should use my voice... and call.

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