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Strawda posted 4/22/2013 10:24 AM

WTF why did i again not awnser my BS qestions fully. Took me a bit to spit out full awnser. Why is that? I promess ide do anything for my BS and not lie. Yet when counts i lie biomition. I even had a game on my cell that has talkimg on it. I sed i didnt. Then admited i did but spoke of game only. But i lied and was talking to people behinde BS back game or not it is wronge. So i deleated the game. Why do i still do thes things when i trying to prove My trust and werth. Im not doing it fully by doing biomition crap and fearing what she sey or think isnt werth not awnsering any qestions. My BS is not the enemie i was and i do trust her. So why is iti do thes things?

[This message edited by Strawda at 10:28 AM, April 22nd (Monday)]

Unagie posted 4/22/2013 12:35 PM

Only you can answer that Strawda. Why is it more important for you to do these things instead of helping your wife? Why do you feel you are still hiding and lying? What is actually important to you?

HFSSC posted 4/22/2013 13:00 PM

I used to ask myself that question about my drug use and my dishonesty and lack of integrity with not just my H, but everyone.

And the last dday, when I discovered multiple broken NC from my H to OW, he sat with his head in his hands, asking our MC that question. He said, "What is wrong with me? I don't want to lie. I don't want to hurt HF, but it's all I do."

Our MC was not easy on JM at all. He replied that there was nothing wrong with him except that he was acting like a selfish jerk and doing selfish, cruel things. He said, "You want to stop hurting HF? The way to stop hurting her is to STOP. HURTING. HER. Stop doing things that are guaranteed to cause her pain. You want to stop lying? TELL.THE.TRUTH."

It's not rocket science. The only way to stop this is to stop. You have to retrain your thought processes. My aa sponsor taught me something a long time ago: "Brain broke. First thought wrong." I had to accept that my 2nd and 3rd thoughts are not usually much better than my first one. Whatever your first reaction to something is, let it go. Stop. Think about what you are doing. DO NOT ANSWER QUESTIONS IMMEDIATELY. Take time to allow your immediate response to die down, and then choose to tell the truth. Even if it hurts her. Even if it hurts you. Tell the truth.

Because I guarantee, a difficult, painful truth is a million times better than the most comfortable lie.

Gr8Wht71 posted 4/22/2013 13:36 PM

I have spent alot of time thinking about this, and this is what I have arrived at:
1 - You quickly become used to a behavior you like. While in the affair, you were getting something from it that you wanted (sex, attention, distraction, whatever) and as a human you quickly assimilated the behaviors that allowed this to continue - Lying! Now, you are trying to break that bad habit. Unfortunately, you are also under the stress of a discovered affair, and are not focusing on changing bad behaviors enough to break the lying habit
2 - You don't fully understand the place your betrayed spouse is in. Your desception and affair has put your BS into a state of hyper-vigilance and suspision. You have turned your BS into Batman. They are analyzing everything you say and do (as well as what you are not saying or doing). They are trying hard to justify the feelings of love they still have for you, balancing that against the actions you have taken and are still taking. I don't think Waywards fully understand the stakes they are playing for, sometimes.
You may be ashamed of your actions, so you minimize and rug-sweep what has happened, or you lie about things trying to shield your SO from further pain (or yourself from shame). This is the worst thing you can do.
HONESTY is your best strategy now. The truth will come out, one way or the other, and only honest answers will count when the final decision is being made. (By honesty I mean full disclosure of all information. If you took the OW to your BS's favorite Italian restaurant, Tell her that, not "I took her to dinner!" Honesty, not truth!

Strawda posted 4/22/2013 15:02 PM

I realy agree and relate to your awnsers and will take into consideration and think of thes. I had a talj with my BS today. I finely for first time I sed the trueth to all she asked. But the end of it she wanted to puke. But was glad i didnt lie for once. But is also afraid if i lie next time it will naygate the pain and trueths i sed today. I had saw my self in a 2nd person and i wouldnt have bin friends or liked to be around who I was. I truely was that monster under the bed. It is so painfull to see i was that prediditer and went after broken people just as i was. An didnt see how i treated my self tell my BS showd me. An thats a big problem. My BS is one who shows me more and asks me more and dos more work it seems. Anyone ells bin that way? Wair your BS was more helpfull to the R than you are? Is a bad fealing to make your BS feal you dont care and dont want ther relationship. When you do want it more than anything. But i need my actions to show i do. An one them actions is telling the painfull trueth.

EvolvingSoul posted 4/22/2013 15:07 PM

Lying, whether by omission or by saying things that aren't true, is just trying to control someone else's reality. One reason we lie is to get something we would not be able to get by honest means. Another is to avoid a consequence for something we have already done. By lying we are trying to change an outcome to favor ourselves or to avoid something unpleasant or painful.

I think the reason you lie is because you want to control your BS's reality and therefore what she thinks about you and your chances for reconciliation. But a far more important question is: why is lying your go to mechanism when confronted with a difficult situation? Why is it easier and more comfortable to lie than tell the truth?

Finding the answer to that question will take a lot of self reflection, probably with the help of a therapist who knows how to ask the right questions. But. There is something you can do to aid the process starting today, right this moment. You can stop lying. It is a simple idea but it is difficult to do because you have to override what is, at this point, a mechanism that is wired into your brain circuitry.

For most of my life I have been what I would call a "spinner". Someone who would spin the truth so that people would perceive me in the best possible light. White lies, people would call them. I was late because of traffic (I didn't budget my time properly). I got this flavor because I know you like it (because it's what I wanted). They seemed harmless to me and telling these little lies felt completely natural. But they weren't harmless to me. Lying is a brain mechanism. It changed my brain. You've seen in your own life the horrible damage the lying mechanism leads to. I did too. I knew I had to stop lying to save not only my relationship with my BS but also to save myself from going through a life of further self destruction. To stop lying, I had to change my brain.

The automatic lying mechanism got built up one lie at a time. Changing it is done at the same level. One truth at a time. That means every time I realized I had lied, I had to correct it. Not just acknowledge to myself that I was lying or had lied but actually tell the person I lied to and correct it to them. Sometimes it felt ridiculous, admitting to the tiny lie I had just told. Like traffic and being late. Over time, though, I began to catch them before they came out of my mouth. It felt like just going over a speed bump. After about two and a half years of practice, I have finally gotten to the point that telling the truth is usually my first response. The old "lie first" mechanism still activates sometimes but I'm aware of it, I notice it and I usually autocorrect before it even gets out.

A bonus to this all this truth telling is that eventually I really began to be able to recognize my own lies, even ones I was telling myself in the past, including the lies I told myself to make me think it was okay to betray my husband and my own values. That's where the therapist can be helpful. But the truth telling, the brain rewiring, only you can make that happen. I'm not saying it'll be comfortable. But really, what do you have to lose at this point?

Strawda posted 4/22/2013 15:23 PM

Wow holly crap. You sed alot of great info. You sounded to give more info than my IC. Ty to all on this subject. You are given me alot great eye openers. I will be saven thes on my computer as well. Ty

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