Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

when does the pain start to fade

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

HelpMe123 posted 4/22/2013 10:26 AM

I sit here on day 12 since D-day. just sitting, thinking, why is he doing this? Why is he ruining our family? Why do I have to start over with no job, move out of the house, and he loses nothing? That might be what hurts the most. The fact that he loses not a damn thing. I believe he loses the most because my son goes with me, but I know in his mind he still has his great job, home, car, income, stability, and now a new younger woman who has no children so together they have zero responsibilities. I could be cool, fun, and do shit on a whim too if WE didn't have kids!!! I would be less stressed, more relaxed, yell less, if we didn't have kids. Why am I being punished for cherishing my kids instead and my family lifestyle? Every relationship where kids are involved sees stress. The kids always come first. Don't they? Am I wrong? Because the father of my youngest son seems to believe that his lifestyle comes first. I hurt so badly, yet he seems so happy :(

KickedInTheNuts posted 4/22/2013 10:52 AM

I'm sorry for your pain, HelpMe123. All of us here have experienced what you are going through in one form or another, and what I am going to tell you is not going to be easy to hear.

This pain is going to stay with you for years, depending on the actions you eventually take. It's probably too early for you to know now, but if you want R, for example, be ready for years of hard work, backsteps along the way, and much more pain.

From what I've heard from others, 3-5 years is a reasonable timeframe.

For me, I've been in constant pain for 17 months, yes it was gradually getting better, but when I discovered a few days ago that the R was really a false R, well, that pain ratcheted right back up to volcanic levels. That said, I am used to the pain, in a way, so I know in my head that it will eventually get better, even if my heart and gut disagree right now.


P.S. There are some good answers in the faq and library on this very question.

[This message edited by KickedInTheNuts at 10:54 AM, April 22nd (Monday)]

Ashland13 posted 4/22/2013 11:49 AM

Hi HM123,

I have asked myself and other people those very questions and felt those same pains. It is agony and a searing pain that I have never felt before. I've given birth and I may put that in a parallel box, if we were to measure.

I agree with what Kicked in the N's said about having good moments. Mine are brief and I spend the next hours wondering where they come from and how I could keep them? What are the triggers for a happy second? Why can't I say a command and have it come back?

12 days is very, very fresh and early, as he said, also. I went through a period of shock and some denial before I had to accept all that had happened. It's not to say I forgive, just that I realize it is the harsh reality of life now.

My STBXH did many similar things as yours did only the OW is not a younger model, but much larger than me and the same age. STBXH felt like mentioning those little details. There is also OW Junior who is the same as DD. That felt like pin pricks in my skin to hear and was not very nice goosebumps.

My sadness is similar to your with an addition...why does the WS get to choose and we do not?

I, too, am going to lose our house (we built it) and have to move and have a baby alone while raising DD primarily alone. The little STBXH does is a usually with a battle attached.

I'm sorry for your suffering and will be wishing for some peace among the turmoil for you.

confused615 posted 4/22/2013 12:18 PM

Nearly 3 years out...and while the pain isn't as intense as it was that first year(usually),it is still my constant companion.

ninebark posted 4/22/2013 12:59 PM

I too felt so angry that after all was said and done he got to walk away without a scratch and I took all the pain. His family didn't (and still doesn't) know about the A. He got to go out and party and be single and buy the motorcycle he always wanted (two in fact). He was still a great guy to everyone out side the family.

But after a year or so I realized that he did lose out. I get to see our son everyday, I get to be the person he comes to with all his love and I will never miss a moment of his childhood.

The ex now has to sell his motorcycles becuase he works out of province, he doesn't really have a home and he definately doesn't have a family.

The pain will fade as time goes on, and in the end they are the true losers. ((hugs))

k9lover1 posted 4/22/2013 14:22 PM

The pain will subside as you take control of your life instead of letting him do this to you.

After you get a job, get your own place, do what you want, when you want, then the pain will subside.

Make this on your terms and don't ever let anyone else control your fate.

Hoggy77 posted 4/22/2013 14:28 PM


I just found out as well about my WW. She isn't doing much to help the situation either. I can tell you that about 4 weeks out now, the pain is slightly less. While it is still a daily thing, I am able to eat, drink, and take care of myself. Best of luck to you!

meplusfour posted 4/22/2013 15:44 PM

I am at six weeks and my pain seems to be changing. At day 12, pain was a burning hot, all consuming fire that took over everything. Now, it seems to be changing to more of a dull ache, and although it has an profound effect on my thoughts, it seems to ebb and flow like the tides from day to day and moment to moment. Yesterday was a bad day, today is better.

What helped for me was to concentrate on my children. Keep yourself together for them~you are not being punished for cherishing your children and family. You are admired for living up to your responsibilities and knowing what is truly important. Although children can be stressful during this time, they were the only reason why I was able to pull myself out of bed and keep their lives are normal as possible. Remember that for now, they can be your reason to keep moving forward, until you find yourself again.

Sending you good thoughts.

Theradin posted 4/22/2013 20:14 PM

So sorry to hear your struggles. But know that NONE of this is about you or your fault. NOTHING!. This is all your WH.

You are an incredible mother, and no one can take that away from you. It's his loss if he can't see that, and has to jump ship to some young hussy.

That being said, I would strongly advise you do everything in your power to protect yourself and your children (especially the minors). If you think the M is done, I would suggest contacting an attorney to see what your options are (1/2 of everything, alimony, child support, etc.). If his young "sex object" is worth all that to him, then the guy is pretty messed up anyway, and you're way better off without him.

Just my $0.02

HelpMe123 posted 4/22/2013 21:43 PM

went to a lawyer....praying to god this doesnt turn into some long custody battle. I have an ExH whom I have 3 kids with. We have been back and forth in court for 13 years now, it's draining both financially and mentally. WS and I were never legally married so I have to move as he owns the home. All I can do is file for child support, and since he is self employed the income he reports is not accurate so my son will be short changed there as well. As each day passes I am more afraid of a court battle then I am of losing WS forever.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.