Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

2 year Dday much to say.

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Lola2kids posted 4/22/2013 10:44 AM

This may be long. So much has happened in the last week alone.

Dday was April 18th, 2011.
It was 2 years last Thursday.
I was so busy at work that I barely acknowledged the date and actually thought it was Friday since I thought Friday was the 18th. This was so much different than two or even 1 year ago when I couldn't even do anything at work even though I made the effort to show up.

I feel like I am lucky to have come through this awful time and feel so much better and confident with my life and how I handle things with the kids and Ex dooshbag.

This is partly due to the fact that I got a few things off my chest in a f2f with the ex. I know that I deserve some 2x4's for even engaging but I talked it over with my IC and the results from this conversation were very positive on my end. Just getting this shit off my chest felt good even though I know it went in one ear and out the other.

It happened on April 12 when he invited himself over to my house when his parents came to see the kids.
The kids were happy to see him so I allowed him to stay and made myself busy in another room.
He had just gotten back the weekend before from a 2 week trip to Mexico with MOW.
He has a new Digital SLR camera and was letting the kids use it and taking pictures of them dancing in the living room.
He asked me why I was upset. Apparently I can't hide my feelings or my contempt for him from my face. He asked why I was so hostile.
It was the camera. I can't afford stuff like that. I can't afford 2 weeks in Mexico.
I told him that my feelings we no longer his concern and that I don't have to tell him shit about what I am feeling.
He said that I never told him anything ever. Yeah right.
I asked him if he knew what this time of year was.
He was stumped.
I told him that about 2 years ago I found out.
He said he had no idea.
I told him that anniversaries were never his strong suit at least when they had to do with me.
I excused myself and went out to the garage.
When I came in I sat at the kitchen table and started to post on SI on my phone.
He came into the kitchen and asked if I wanted to talk.
I asked him what he thought we needed to talk about.
He said that he wanted to help.
I proceded to tell him that he could not help me because he will never understand how I feel.
I thought that he might know how it feels since his wife cheated on him and he told me that he felt emasculated by that.
He said that yes he did feel that way.
I asked him what the female version of emasculated is then.
He didn't know.
I told him about the time I told him I was decimated by this and he mocked me for using the words.
I told him about all the horrible, awful things he said to me while we were in house separated and he was not even trying to hide that he was fucking someone else who lives in Europe and was married with a child, still is.
He couldn't look at me. He sat there and played with a little toy that was sitting there. He hung his head. He didn't say much.
Then he shrugged his shoulders and said, "I didn't mean for this to happen. I didn't know this was going to happen. I was just looking for a way out."
That is the moment that any love I had for him drained out of me. It's really over.
What did he think him "just looking for a way out" would do? Oh, that's right, he wasn't thinking about anyone else but himself. I could tell that he thought he should have sympathy that life with me was so horrible that he had to be horrible to me so that it would be my decision and he would get out of an unsatifying relationship.
Complete and total delusional asshole.
I told him that if he knew that he had a problem with committment and he really thought that people are meant to be together for a short time and then move on to someone else. If he really, truly believed that stuff that he has told me lately, then HE


What an ass.
I told him that the pain stabs at me for what he has done to the kids. They will think that everything is like it was more than 2 years ago with his parents here and him here as well and that will make it all the more devastating when he dissappears yet again.
He said that he knows that I'm strong and that I love the kids and wanted to stay with them.
I asked him what was I supposed to do when he left? Leave too?
What choice did I have?
He said that he knows that I think that he should live with the consequences of what he did because he brought it on himself.
I said that I live with the consequences, he doesn't. I live with the consequences everyday.
He asked me about work. I told him it was not his concern anymore.
I told him that it does no good to talk to him. It's useless.

Then, a week later, I found out what he was really planning.
He asked to take the girls to the cottage the day he came back from Mexico.
We had plans so I said no.
He actually went to Mexico with MOW and her son.
They were both here when he asked to take the girls to the cottage and he wasn't going to tell me.
He had asked his ex-wife and her daughter to come too.
She had the flu and couldn't go. His ex wife is the woman he left MOW for 23 years ago.
Why would they, of all people, want to meet?

She is going back to Switzerland and finally filing for divorce from her husband. Allegedly.
She will not move to Canada apparently.
So what does that mean?
Ex will move to Europe to be with her.

This is info from his ex wife.

What I need to know now is if he will continue to pay child support or will he become a dead beat dad.

I believe he will go there but the ultimate decision will be made only if he can find a job somewhere there.
I don't think it's likely, but it could happen.
I was mad that he was trying to introduce MOW to the kids without my knowledge but not surprised at all.
It's par for the course with him.
If he doesn't get what he wants when he asks openly and honestly (wanted to take the kids to dinner with MOW and I said, hell no), then he lies to get what he wants and appologizes insincerely later.

I guess I need to know how many WS pay their child support while living with the AP in another country?
This is my future I think.

It's a jumble of a post.
The positives:
I do feel better 2 years later.
The information that I got about him leaving didn't send me into a panic like it would have even a year ago.
I know that he is broken and getting away from him is the best thing that ever happened.

I still have some hurdles to jump apparently.

[This message edited by Lola2kids at 10:51 AM, April 22nd (Monday)]

dmari posted 4/22/2013 11:19 AM

Excellent post Lola2Kids!! You made it through 2 Dday anniversary!! and it was barely a blip. You had a chance to confront your WS and it helped by cementing what you already knew.

He just doesn't get it. He is so immature. Thank God your children have you. As far as your questions regarding CS if WS is in another country, I'm sorry but I don't know. All I could think was "HE BETTER CONTINUE CS!!!" If he doesn't, he just downgraded himself to sperm donor. The only reason why I don't call my stbx a sperm donor is because he at least pays CS. In my mind, he is their biological father. Not "dad" or "daddy".

Lola2kids posted 4/22/2013 11:32 AM

Yes, Dmari, I've taken to calling him "your father" to the kids.

Daddy just doesn't seem to roll off the tongue.

I'm dying to know how he's going to break the news.
He'll probably tell the kids and they will tell me.
I get the feeling he will do like last year. He took the month of May off work in 2012 and went to Europe.
Called the kids a grand total of 3 times that month.

Dissappear he will.

devistatedmom posted 4/22/2013 20:12 PM

Lola, You have come so far in those 2 years. give yourself a hug since I can't.

You have always believed he would eventually leave. You know the pluses and minuses of that.

As far as talking with him? Hey, you came out of it feeling I think it was a good thing. You got things off your chest that needed to go, and he once again proved to you he's an ass, and not worthy of you.

It's all good.

Lola2kids posted 4/23/2013 07:37 AM

Thanks DM.

I felt some kind of peace to know that I was prepared to hear that he would go and be with her. I wasn't blindsided. I wasn't in a panic because I had thought of the worst (maybe the best) outcome to the situation and what I thought he would do.
My IC keeps telling me that I am pretty good at predicting his motives and what he will do next.

He will never shock me like he did 2 years ago when I found the text messages. I will never let anyone else do that to me.

That is the good that has come out of this nightmare.

It took 2 years and I have some more healing to do.
Hopefully with him at a great distance.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.