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How to R and not rugsweep.

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libertyrocks posted 4/22/2013 10:44 AM

I just want to make sure I'm doing this right. If I can't feel all the crappy emotions, then I can't heal. That's my thought process. But, it's so draining. I want WH and I to be emotionally healthy. Is this a good way to handle it? He's there for me, answers questions, is going to IC. But I have a love hate relationship with him still and he's scared I will kick him out again. I cannot handle me emotions. It's still so crazy. Over 5 months since Dday. I don't want to pretend like everything is ok, because it's not and he knows it. He tries to so hard to be there for us, does nice things, etc. I feel like I'm being mean to him, I say mean things, I'm not nice to him as much as I used to be. Is it me? Do I need help? More IC? How do all of you treat WS? I'm not trying to "punish" him, but he feels like I'm picking on him and sh***ing on him. Is this fair of me?

sisoon posted 4/22/2013 11:18 AM

Gently, it's also 6 days from a D-Day. You have to give yourself time.

Keep thinking: 2-5 years, assuming no new hurts - and each TT adds a 'hurt'. You might consider giving him one more chance to come clean, with the consequence that you throw him out for good if he holds anything back - but then you have to follow through if he covers anything up. Also, don't guarantee to stay, even if he comes clean. If he reveals something you won't accept, you can kick him out.

Also, I read you want your H to heal, but he has to do that for himself. Spend your energy on your healing. Yeah, it's exhausting - but it's especially tough on you, because of the TT. The hits just keep on coming....

Your grief, anger, and fear may seem overwhelming, but you have your feelings - they don't have you. It only seems like you're out of control. You can feel the lousy feelings and let them go, no matter how overwhelming they seem, though it's more difficult to do than to say. And it'll take a lot more time and energy than you think it will or should.

More IC? IDK - why not discuss and work this out with your IC?

Mean to him? Not as nice as you used to be? Well, yeah.... (IMO, you're still being too nice to him, but that's JMO.) Why aren't you trying to punish him? Besides, he knows he deserves mega-punishment, and he's just blame-shifting (though not in the usual way that term is used here). The guy keeps TTing you - that's a good way to end R, and it certainly increases your grief, fear, and anger.

Sh***ing on him? Boy, I wish I had thought of that - it could be a real punishment that hurts the WS without doing much damage to the BS. Every other punishment I've thought of hurts me as much as it hurts my W.... You may have done BSes all over a good turn... except most BSes probably don't want to add more mess to their lives....

I very rarely called my W names in the aftermath of her A, but I pretty much demanded she talk on my schedule and about the subjects I wanted to talk about. We talked for hours every day for weeks after D-Day and we stopped only because she got exhausted. I also made damn sure she was stepping up to the work of R - and that was from the beginning, long before I committed myself to R.

And every day I made a go-or-stay decision, sometimes several times a day.

I think you may be selling yourself short - feeling the feelings is only part of healing. Preventing new occasions for grief, anger, or fear is also essential - and that means calling your H to account and not letting him continue to hurt you more than you're willing to be hurt.

You can't make him a better human being, but calling him on his sh*t might guide him to figure out what changes he needs to make.

Sorry to ramble....

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:27 AM, April 22nd (Monday)]

libertyrocks posted 4/22/2013 12:41 PM

Thanks sisoon. I appreciate every one of your words...You're right, it's still raw. I'm still raw meat. I'm just so tired and want all the lying to end...

And every day I made a go-or-stay decision, sometimes several times a day.

As am I...

Apple3point14 posted 4/22/2013 16:08 PM

Hi, I am a fws and this sounds very much like what is going on in our r. Personally I am grateful that I am 'here'. I still hear that she is not sure what she will ultimately do. She tells me she dosent trust me and things will never be ,right, , she is staying for the kids and things like that. It kills me but I did this. She has that right and so do you.
My wife has the right to test the ice anyway she wants. And again, so do you.
I(and your spouse) earned a d. I will do anything to show my wife I am earning a chance. To stay
Ws broke trust and proved everything was a lie. I think it is

Apple3point14 posted 4/22/2013 16:09 PM

My responsibility to do whatever it takes to make her feel safe.

wtsmm posted 4/22/2013 23:10 PM

This is a difficult to answer question, how to R and not rug sweep. I am a fWS that wants nothing more than to have that "made it" feeling. But to get there, you have to walk the entire road. Based on your Sig, you shouldn't even be asking this question yet. You should instead be focusing on the information that he has given you, and figuring out the level of detail you want for further information.

I respect that you want to try. You have a very lucky WS. You both have a long road to travel, and there are no shortcuts to healing.

Welcome to the place none of us want to be. You are in a place that can be of immense help to your personal healing, and growth.

[This message edited by wtsmm at 1:18 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]

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