Me- BW, 30
Him- fWh, 36
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August 2013
You're in a sort of limbo now, and that's great - it gives you a chance to take back your power.
Your H has cheated. He's lied and lied and lied and lied. Yet he expects you to commit 100% to R before he'll do what he need to do to heal? What world does he live in?
Please - tell him you'll commit only after you see consistent R behavior from him for months. Tell him the longer he waits, the more likely you are to split.
Also, check out the use of the Drama Triangle in understanding alcoholism. When you give up your boundaries and/or take responsibility for your H's well-being, you're hurting yourself and your H.
[This message edited by sisoon at 5:54 PM, April 22nd (Monday)]
I know that doesn't help you get the answers you want/need, but it's possible the answers just aren't there to be had any more. I know that's one of the most frustrating things for my BS is that I simply don't remember some of the things she's asking about.
Hopefully the answer is there for him to give you, but he can't get to it right away, and if you let it go, he may come to you with the answer on his own later. He might not of course, but there's only so much you can do to drag it out of him.
So he may legitimately not know - but given his 5 months of TT I have a feeling it's in there somewhere and he just doesn't want to admit it.
Oh, and SAs and other addicts have a hard time remembering until they are in recovery. The high from sex addiction causes as much fuzziness as when they are high from drugs.
[This message edited by Missymomma at 10:37 PM, April 22nd (Monday)]
"I don't know/remember"= "I know,but Im not going to tell you because I don't want to face the fall out or the consequences that will occur if I answer that question."
Tell him fine,if he doesn't remember right now. That you will give him a few days to think about it. Tell him he can spend some time digging deep into his memory and figure out the answer for you.
This is one of the reason's it's called "hard work." Sometimes the answers may not be on the tip of their tongue,but they can dig deep and find them for you.
After 2.5 years of "I don't know's" I had major TT and 2 more Ddays. I told WH I will never accept that answer again.
He knows if he slept with her before or after the birth of his first child. Im guessing the answer is before..or during..and he exposed you and your unborn child to STD's..and he knows this will piss you off,so he's pretending he forgot.
And considering the amount of TT he has flung at you...yeah...he remembers.
[This message edited by confused615 at 6:03 AM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Thanks everyone. I don't understand what it's like to be a drinker, but some of you do. I understand it's very difficult to not drink and I can't even imagine what fog he's been in. Says he's blessed for every day that he's with us. He drank a few times in last 5 months bc says he didn't know where we stood in terms of R. Had his very last beer on our anniversary this past weekend, so he can keep count from that day forward. Let's hope it's for good.
Claims he first cheated a few months AFTER baby born. I get the logic in terms of giving baby STD, but he had been cheating while baby #2 born too. It wouldn't be very shocking if it was before baby #1 too. I just thought we were happy when we were first pregnant. He had been saying it started when I was first pregnant, but now he "remembers" it was when fist baby a few months old bc he had "fathering" issues of if he would be a good dad. Needless to say, he hasn't been hands on in last 3 years, up until 5 months ago after my first Dday. So, there it is. This is what I get in life. Gotta go make some lemonade with my broken man.
[This message edited by libertyrocks at 12:00 PM, April 23rd (Tuesday)]
These memory gaps are a real frustration for me and a big part of why I simply cannot trust him. I think he is STILL holding back, still lying, even after everything, so we can never R.
I truly hope you have gotten the truth now and can begin to heal together.