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Altercation with Stbxh over Boundaries

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Ashland13 posted 4/22/2013 18:32 PM

In trying to be generous, after our vacation, I allowed STBXH to come in the house when he dropped off or collected DS. Because we have to coparent and have massive issues with the baby coming that need to be discussed, I wanted in the worst way to see if it could be ok.

So today he brought her home from their visit after school and she had failed a test and I asked him to help her correct it. She makes a lot of stress with homework and I can't take anymore right now, so if it's harder homework and a day he is "around", I ask him.

He did not answer me one way or the other on the text before they got to the house, so we had to ask him again. I should have just let it go, in hinsight at that point?

DD asked him as he was sprayng a wasps nest and he snapped at her "in a minute!"

I did not say anything as I don't like to interact with him anylonger if I don't have to.

So he slithered inside when he finished and was good and ready and she was watching a cartoon and waiting. He said nothing upon coming in and then barked, "are you gonna pay attention or not?"

At that point I started to cry, stupid me, being so overwhelmed with the pregnancy and just being alive through this crap-I did interject and ask him to not snap at DD and he immediately began to argue and say "I'm not", but he was because when he said "I'm not", his voice was like syrup.

So I told him very nicely but in tears that if he didn't have time but wasn't telling us he had to be more honest and just say he didn't have time. Again he barked "I'm right here to do it!" and then changed his tune and said, "we'll do it tomorrow".

I feel like hell now and did not know it was possible to have more pain on top of it all-sorry to whine.

During false R when I heard some of this behavior towards DD from him, I did not intervene and was trying to keep some eggshells and my sanity intact.

But today, after the second time, I couldn't stand heariing it done to her.

When he did it during false R and it was something like she whined, he would actually say "If you don't stop, daddy will leave."

So I'm writing while in a dark spot again and trying to figure out if I was okay to step in. It broke my heart for me to hear it done to her -again-especially when her belief in him is teetering.

There's keeping the peace and being a doormat and letting him walk on us both and "Mama Bear" comes out a lot nowadays but I have usually stifled it.

And even though I'm getting long again, I was going to ask about a boundary I think he crossed yesterday.

I have put my foot down about his phone use in the house because of its trigger, my stress and the baby. Sorry, the baby is on my mind a lot and could have some really bad problems developing, so its got me hyper-intense at times. I guess that's why I'm asking for some validation?

Anyway, yesterday he came for the same thing and while here used the bathroom, but didn't come out for almost a whole cartoon worth of time.

It gave me the feeling of hair raised on my neck and I did confront it as politely as I could, simply saying that if he had to text to leave and do it elsewhere, that it wasn't respectful.

So I'm sure he's driving now to the other state and straight into the arms of Fatty B. I'm really mad at myself because it made a scene, but am trying to tell myself that again, it was his actions and I have been the one to say when he stepped out of line-that's the reality of his A,is that I have boundaries and he doesn't want them placed on him.

Thank you for any thoughts. I'm extremely fragile but willing to hear feedback and what any of you would do in a similar situation?

I've been thinking that I wonder if I should go back to not letting him in? But don't have anyone else to ask for help, so I don't know what to do.

Thank you.

devistatedmom posted 4/22/2013 19:37 PM

Ok. You have a lot going on there.

Dealing with the A. Needing boundaries with the jerk. His behaviour with your dd. You being pregnant. It's a lot to deal with.

My take is, although you can't control how he chooses to interact with your dd, you can control how he treats her in your house. You let him back in, he acted inappropriately. I'd say you need to stop allowing him in again.

OTOH, you are pregnant, and you can't do everything, be stressed out, etc. So, the extra help would be helpful.

I may go against the grain here, but I'd talk to him, and tell him. I'm pregnant. I do need help, but, I am not willing to listen to you berate dd and talk rudely to either of my children in my house. So if you want to help during this pregnancy, you will watch how you talk to them while in my house, or I will have to find other people to help me. Your choice. The kids are hurting, and are going to go through tough times themselves. If you can't act properly, nevermind.

I don't know. Boundaries are needed...but since you are pregnant, I'd try to set up boundaries where he can help with the kids for a while. If he won't step up immediately, end it.

Maybe others have better ideas.

newlysingle posted 4/23/2013 01:32 AM

I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are going through this while pregnant. I thought going through it with an infant was bad enough!

I think devistatedmom had some good ideas on how to approach him.

I do have to say that I LOL'd at him slithering in the door. I'm going to start using that verb in my head when my STBX comes in my house.

Kajem posted 4/23/2013 08:02 AM


If you are comfortable in talking to him and asking him for help then I would ask.

If you're not comfortable, is there someone, a neighbor who can help? Even a middle schooler can be a great mother's helper for you... and the added benefit is they like doing things with kids your DD's age. Having someone there for few hours a week would also be a good thing when the baby arrives.

If that isn't something you can do... I would talk to DD's teacher regarding some extra help for DD... At her age a lot of kids need extra practice to learn concepts and having another adult in your life helping your DD succeed would be good for both of you.



Nature_Girl posted 4/23/2013 10:31 AM

I agree with the advice that you start finding other people to help in your life, including with homework.

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