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Ashland13 posted 4/22/2013 18:56 PM

It's me again!

The last week I've noticed some changes in STBXH's behavior and wonder if it means anything.

Today during the "altercation", I did notice that he acted quite a lot, lot lot like in the winter when he was fighting with OW.

Today he appeared exactly like that, with glasses not contacts, somewhat watery eyes and was clearly agitated.

He also has been doing little extra things if I let him (I don't like to but need them done) and being a little more cooperative.

I've wondered if it's because he got D papers last week or because there could be a fight going on? It didn't occur to me until just now that he didn't look usual. When I saw him yesterday, he looked a little more like he used to and I think even lost a little weight.

He also offered to take DD visiting another day this week after school.

Please rest assured, I am about 95% sure I wouldn't ever take him back, but I found this really interesting and I know I shouldn't.

I don't really pay attention to him and keep my head down if he's around, but I notice that he peeks at me if he thinks I'm not looking, and I just wonder what that means?

No, my hopes aren't up, I've just been so in tune with his behavior the last year especially.

It also may be nothing as I know he has bad spring allergies, but the attitude makes me wonder.

It's not good if he's back here, but would make me really happy if his thing with OW ended for real.

And when I was away, he wanted clothes, but only shorts with the weather changing. I told him, "take them all!" and he said, " I don't have room". When I said he could pay me rent, he took them. He also rented a p.o box and finally changed his mailing address, but why not to her house if it's so serious? I think it's probably to protect her.

Thanks for any ideas. May be a 2 x 4 needed, but again, I'm not hoping for return, just wondering because the hostility was going on for so long. I am still on guard.

devistatedmom posted 4/22/2013 19:42 PM

Your other post talks about him being mean to the kids, so please don't take his watery eyes as more than allergies.

Maybe he is fighting with his skank. Maybe he is realizing what he is losing...but I don't think so.

What he's realizing is that he is losing his control, and that these changes are permanent. He doesn't want to come back, he just doesn't want things to change.

When we were S, Sep papers signed, a few months later, he broke up with OW. He was crying, upset, saying how much he screwed up, etc. He made a statement about how he didn't want me to answer him right now, but if I would just think about it, he'd like to know. (never did state what he wanted me to think about. ) one week later, he had another woman in his bed, and he's been with her ever since. It wasn't ME he was missing. It wasn't our relationship, it wasn't being a complete family for our kids. It was the fact that he was alone again, and that he realized he couldn't handle it. If I had immediately said come back, I can guarantee you he would have cheated on me again next time something turned his head.

He's not even able to talk to your kids properly and help them with homework. This is not someone that has changed any behaviours.

KeepOnMovin posted 4/22/2013 20:09 PM

I had a similar experience. STBX called and asked if she could come over last Sunday. I didn't answer the first 3 times it rang, but finally did. She was crying, and saying 'she was having a horrible day'.

So i let her come over. She proceeded with the crocodile tears and even told me she was sorry for 'all of this'. Said she wished things could go back go the way they were, and even asked rhetorically, "I can't just move back in, can i?" wanted to be held and i did that.

later in the afternoon, she came back by and asked if i wanted to go to dinner with her and two of the boys. I told her i thought it was a bad idea.

It really set me back quite a bit. (she moved out 3 months ago) got me thinking too much, "She probably does miss me. She probably realizes how screwed up she is and how she's forever screwed up the family and even our extended family."

But in reality, she was feeling sorry for herself. she may have been lonely. She may have had a fight with her bf. She may have tried a ONS and felt like a tramp. Who knows?

The thing is, it wasn't about me or the kids. it was about HER! It's always about HER! She was just feeling sorry for herself and came to the one person that has always stood by her, protected her and "been her rock" (in her words).

so, be careful Ash. IT was just like opening a wound for me. brought back a lot of pain and did set me back. Just one hour of being with her and i was messed up pretty bad for about a week.

I wish the best for you, but keep in mind you deserve better than him. He's feeling sorry for himself and doing a few nice things to help himself feel less guilty. i've seen that in action, and it sucks, but they do it.

k

Ashland13 posted 4/22/2013 20:34 PM

Thank you, your replies are really helpful.

He's a real actor, should get an emmy for the use of his emotional control and ability to be a stone wall for massive amounts of time.

Yes, I too wonder if this is a way to alleviate guilt more than anything. It's one of the reasons I suffer with decisions about asking or letting him do house things. I swallow remaing pride for it but think it as helping our daughter also and not just myself.

Seeing the emotion today was interesting and I suspect you are both right. I guess I want so much for him to be really sorry and show me that he is-maybe this is his way, without asking to come back again? Maybe doing these tasks are like a repentance?

He so screwed up our lives that there's not too much on this green earth he could do to even attempt to make it up, if in fact that's his intent with being nice, but yes, I am on guard.

False R taught me even more than the A did and it is the pain from that which I reel from almost four months later.

A sibling or two of his said that he may attempt it again from some of the ways he was talking at times, very mixed up and claiming love for two women-Fatty B and me.

I don't remember all that I posted but I also wonder if its something stemming from filling out the D papers?

I've been given advice that sometimes the actual papers with names in black and white can lift a small cloud in the fog.

Yes, I suspect the allergies too, I used to fight with him to get medicine for them because he gets them really bad every spring. I didn't say a word this time and have terrible trouble with the maternal part of being a wife. That's very hard to shut off.

Another clue when he was fighting with Fatty B was that he would have multiple glasses and switch them. Usually he just has one pair or only the contacts.

My L and counselor said it may be actual glasses for vision and could also be some appearance changing for the A and his double life?

Today he only had one pair, but I had not seen them before.

Thanks, everybody. This is the hardest time in my whole life.

During my bitter and vengful moments, I've found myself wishing he would ask to come back again just so I could say no and he could feel half an ounce of the pain he caused. Then because of who I am I feel terrible for it on top of that.

Has anyone ever felt that too? Does it make me a bad person?

Ashland13 posted 4/22/2013 20:36 PM

K, you are are a great person for showing compassion to someone who hurt you so.

I've done it too and been bitten.

Nature_Girl posted 4/23/2013 00:04 AM

Read the Aesop's Fable about the frog who carries a scorpion across the river. (((HUGS)))

newlysingle posted 4/23/2013 01:18 AM

What he's realizing is that he is losing his control, and that these changes are permanent. He doesn't want to come back, he just doesn't want things to change.

Bingo. I couldn't have said this any better. I think I'm going through the same thing with my STBX. I feel like he's finally understanding the weight of the divorce. He wanted this divorce so badly in the beginning and made the decision to do so hastily. I still think he wants the divorce, don't get me wrong (he doesn't want to risk losing skank ho), but he's realizing what he's losing.

I think I posted the other day about him wondering why we wouldn't spend Christmas together this year as a family, lol. It's like he didn't realize that EVERYTHING was going to change in this divorce. I think he thought he would get his skank ho, but still have happy, little family time when he wanted it.

Ashland13 posted 4/23/2013 07:40 AM

Thanks, everybody.

Yes, like NewlySingle, Perv came around for holiday things-even our anniversary the first year he was gone, but he was broken up with Fatty B, I know now. I learned he was at both places for Christmas.

He's tried several times to cross worlds and combine them in some ways and this is one of the grossest things for me and I can't figure out why he would think it okay? To that end, he actually brought Fatty B's relative here to work on "our" house at one point, without telling me the man's real identity. His fog is so thick he doesn't understand why I won't use the resources from there and want to destroy what the man did-but won't.

He has never uttered the word "divorce" or "exwife", only I have. I have always been the one to face the major problems out loud, though I was always the more outwardly anxious person-so it's become ironic to me that he won't face these things he's caused with his own self.

When there is a consequence, he's just like our daughter (age 10) who throws fits instead of owning stuff she caused and moving on. Consequences and karma are hitting him right and left, but he blames it on me or anything possiblle. It's to the point of an art form.

I don't have a huge ego myself, but what kind of ego must this be? He is diagnosed NPD which helps me a ton to know and deal with a little better. Truly I can "pick my battles" with the pair of them, but if possible I would like to curb DD's signs of NPD before she's older. Sorry for veering off topic.

I wondered if any of your WS's have done stuff with their appearances during A's? I've heard of working out, buying new clothes, new hairdo's and so on.

I and several counselors suspect Perv is working through a midlife crisis and stuck in a phase of it. I've been told it takes several years and can push a person at an A? The juvenile way he acts is stunning and helps me when my down times come, to remember he's just not the same person in my mind and heart.

But it threw me to see him teary because he's got such a cement wall up and usually I hear laughing and joking or teasing with DD, always striving for "fun dad", then telling me that's not what he wants.

Thank you.

Ashland13 posted 4/23/2013 07:43 AM

I suspect that Fatty B may simply be a resource, as Perv doesn't just pick any old person to spend time with-they have to have something to offer him and it's usually money/resource related. Yes, she's clearly a resource for the PA part too, but its always seemed like there's a draw like money there he's after.

In the long run I know it's neither here nor there for me now and I try very hard to maintain NC at all. I am getting a lot better, finally I think some of my own fog is lifting, but the pain and agony still there.

movingfast posted 4/23/2013 10:06 AM

If it is "trouble in paradise" then let it play its course. Keep doing what you are doing, stay calm, and keep planning your life without him.

After 10 months of living with ow, last summer stbxwh was having a rough time. I knew something was up because he looked "haunted". I felt bad for him. Eventually, he came to me telling me he was miserable and missed me and the kids. I told him the door wasn't closed to making our family work, but he had to work at it. He ended it with ow, moved in with his dad and I thought we would work on our relationship. I was wrong. Once he "knew" I was open to taking him back, he pushed to move in with the kids and I again. Silly me, I caved to his threats of "if I find my own place, then all bets are off and it will be your fault our family failed". He moved back home and within 2 months he withdrew from our family. He didn't contact ow, but he put absoutely NOTHING towards working on our family. He expected life to be how it was when we got married and figured I should just get over the whole affair thing. Life wasn't good, we re-filed for divorce, he promptly contacted ow and moved back in with her.

I truly believe stbxwh had reached his low point when he broke it off with ow and I gave him the the "escape" he needed not to face his own issues. Had I held firm and not let him move back, sure, he might have given up on our marriage, but he also might have faced his own issues. Maybe our familly still would have ended up broken, but at least he might have gotten through the inner battle that brought him to the affair in the frist place.

I believe ws can heal, but they have to do it on their own. So, if your stbxh is really on the brink of figuring things out, let him figure it out. Your divorce may go through before it happens, but if he ends up being a better person for it, your children will benefit. If it's just a temporary spat with ow, then that will play out as well. In either case, you will not lose all the ground you have gained and you will be stronger for it.